New Year's Eve

I wake up aware that a week ago I was driving at this time to the Heartland Care Center to be with Chuck.  I remember praying in the prayer room that Chuck would be able to let go today and go with God.  It was time.

And, of course, my prayer was answered in every way.  I was present with him and speaking my love to him as he departed this earth.  I can see it all in my mind and continue to see it in wonder and deep sadness.

I have been reading Grieving Mindfully and am reminded that it takes about two years for people to "regain resilience."  A week, then is just a beginning of a long spiral staircase that is the journey. 
And here I am.

My weekend was clouds and sunshine.  I went to two movies and one musical and enjoyed them all with occasional times of tearing inappropriately.  But that is who I am these days.  The good news is - who can see in the dark? 

With granddaughters and daughters we are getting the details of the "Celebration of Life" put together.  Planning a service, writing an obituary and sorting through hundreds of pictures for a slide show.  All of it is fun and work and shared sorrow.  I have the added gift of immense love and pride in Kacey, Marnie, Audrey, Alyse,  and Reagan who worked together so well at the computer.  There is no doubt in my mind that shared grief really lightens the pain.

What I find myself drawn to daily is time alone with journal and books on grieving. One of the books I am reading is The Five Invitations and here is some of what I underlined yesterday.  It resonates with my experience of this time:

"You have to open yourself up and let the pain move through you."

It was possible to gather up the suffering in my life, use it as grist for the mill, and alchemically change it into the fuel for selfless service - all without making a big deal about it.

I have witnessed a heart--opening occurring in not only people near death, but also their caregivers.  They found a depth of love within themselves that they didn't know they had access to.  They disvocered a progound trust in the universe and the reliable goodness of humanity that never abandoned them, regardless of the suffering they encountered.

Death awaken presence, an intimacy with ourselves and all that is alive.

Being has certain attributes or essential qualities that live as potentials within each of us.  These qualities help us to mature, to become more functional and productive.  They fill out our humanity and add a richness, beauty, and capacity to our lives.

It might be more helpful to think of them as our inner guidance system, which can lead us to a greater sense of well being.

I write all of these quotes in this blog so that I can come back and refer to it.  The heart opening certainly happened at the end between both Chuck and me.  Both our words and actions toward each other were more loving and real than ever in our lives.  I felt like I was drawing from a deep pool of love that had grown during our 25 years together.

And now, I keep remembering how "the universe"  - or my loving abiding God - was so present during the last few weeks and trusting that now - in these days of clouds and shadow - that God is at work everywhere as I come to live into life without Chuck.