Living with What Is

This is a 5 am post.  I got tired of trying to sleep and made some coffee and decided that this will be a day to take a nap.  Living with what is.

At 3 o clock I was aware of my husband's form getting slowly out of bed and carefully walking to the bathroom.  He carries a little flashlight.  He is old and cannot hear me and tries hard not to disturb me. I watch him and love him remembering the vital man he used to be .  Much has changed in the last few years.  It is what it is.

Yesterday I spoke to a young woman who was bemoaning the fact that she is a single mother.  And her daughter wants to be with her father when she is with her and with her when she is with her father.  She is two years old.  She sometimes has tantrums and it is hard for everyone.  I  know that when  you are a  parent, you watch your children suffer because  of your own life choices.  What I know to be true is that at some point you make peace with how it is.

I know that facing and accepting reality is part of the spiritual journey.  And so we keep moving on and seeing things that we do not like but are the reality - our aging and  mistakes  just being some  of them.

There is another part of what is - and that is the evil that is part of humanity.  Last night I watched a frontline show about how the creators of facebook idealistically only recognized how facebook "connected" people.  They did not want to see that it could be used for nefarious purposes to divide humanity, present lies as truth and create chaos. .  As I watched the show, I thought they did not take "sin" into account.

And then there was the man who constructed a dozen  bombs last week and the shooter who brought death and destruction to a synagogue in Pittsburgh.  We are shocked and dismayed again as we face what is - people whose world view is distorted by prejudice and hate.  Over and over again we see it in history and the present.  We live with the reality of  the possibility of violence in every place that people can gather - churches, shopping malls, schools, movie theatres, restaurants, clubs.

There is no answer to any of this - it just is.  We may not like it - it just is.

I want to have some profound ending to this post, but I don't.  When I spoke to the young Mother today, I did mention the serenity prayer.  There is a reason that it continues to speak to all of us.  I especially like the end of it - about "accepting hardships as the pathway to peace."  And that is what I know to be true - the more accepting I am of reality - the more peace and even joy I experience.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

My Hope is in the Lord

These were words that came to me yesterday as I was driving.  "My hope is in the Lord."  After years of church going, Bible reading and hymn singing - these kinds of words come to me unconsciously.

And they represent my reality of life - that there is hope and it is in the unseen workings of God who brings peace, love, healing and justice.  That is a foundational belief for me, the lens through which I live my life.

Yesterday  I got a glimpse of God's activity.  Wednesday night   I sat with Chuck in the family room and he shared his fears about the upcoming surgery.  He  described it as "frightening"  and gestured his image of the doctor (actually the robot!) cutting him open.  And I listened.  It is scary and no wonder he doesn't want to talk about it.

Thursday morning he went to the recycle center with a trunkload of brush to drop off.  There was a "black guy" (his words that I wanted to shut down - why can't he just say "guy?") who asked him as he drove in - how old are you?  And Chuck told him "82" and the man offered to help him unload his car.  As they were working together, Chuck told him about how hard this season has been, about the terrible fall in the summer and now the prospect of surgery in two weeks.

The man said, "Let me pray for you."  He started to put his arm around Chuck and Chuck said, "Let me put my arm around you too."  So, I picture these two men  - white and black - standing together in front of the car, their arms around each other in prayer.

And as I drove around and heard these words - "My Hope is in the Lord" I thought that this encounter was as much for me as for Chuck.  God provides people and situations that bring peace and show love.  It is not all up to me.  I can trust the work of the Holy One in Chuck's life and in mine.

What did I do?

I leased a car.  A red 2019 soul.  That's what I did!

Yesterday was the "Gallivant Day" for me and Chuck.  These days in which we plan ahead to have lunch together in a new restaurant neither of us have been to have turned out to be a real gift.  I had decided since Chuck was having to cut down on his"Gallivanting" out of town, that I would put one day a week into our schedule to do so.  (I also have a blog about it on this page)

It has turned out to be an unplanned eating experience.  We just go to a certain part of town and look for something.  We decided to try north Columbus because we wanted to swing by a car dealership and get a quote.  I had already decided that what I wanted was another soul - because it works so well for us.  He would get my old soul and I would get the new one.  I thought a lease worked well because - who knows how long he is going to be driving?  I don't say this aloud - but think it.

At the dealership, of course, it was not as simple as I wanted.  I explain what I want.  i am not making a decision today - just give me a quote.  And then I learn about decisions - how much to put down?  how long is the lease? and really, do I want to buy? How many miles a year? I ask for a quote for 12,000 miles a year and two thousand down?  It comes with a breakdown of what it would cost to buy it for 6  years.  It takes 15 minutes of me waiting to get that quote.  Then I ask to get another quote of 10,000 miles or 15,000.  And am told it is too much paper.  I move to take the quote with me and I am not allowed.  Can I take a picture.  No.  So I make my displeasure known and leave.

The young man - Josh - calls me and apologizes for making me uncomfortable. I inform him that I was not uncomfortable - but he was withholding information and I am a hot prospect.  He says he is going to email me the information.  (and does not.)  I am steaming and Chuck is enjoying the whole thing.  He likes it when I get mad at people - it does not happen much.

Anyway, lunch as a new mexican restaurant and we go to another dealership closer to home.  And I don't know what happened.  Princeton, a young African American man greets us.  When I mention leasing he turns to his "manager" - a short hot shot who explains why it is so great to lease and I am hooked.  I know what I want.  And they have a  red soul in stock.  I test drive it and take it to my house where Princeton can pick up our decrepit sedona for a trade in.  I enjoy talking to him - a former basketball player new to Columbus.  At one point he takes a call from his girlfriend and I get a kick out of his greeting:  "Hey Baby." Miraculously he is able to drive this van to the dealership - it has intermittent power steering and we get  $500 for it!

I continue to wonder how it is that I go to get quotes and end up with a vehicle.  Literally, it happens every time.  Every 6 or so years.  My intentions are to take my time and ponder and pray over this decision.  Somehow I invariably start at one dealership where I get mad and end at another when I buy.

So, I am leaving in 15 minutes to go to a meeting to be trained in being a greeter at my new church.  And will get to smell that new car smell as I scoot along in my new soul

Morning Thoughts about Spiritual Sight

I have been slowly working my way through Mark Nepo's The One Life We're Given and I was struck by this sentence:
"The practice of seeing things as they are is more complicated than any of the sages have said."

And I found myself thinking about how what we see  - or HOW we see - is a spiritual practice.

It starts with seeing things as they are - not as we wish they were, not as we hope they were, not as we are afraid they are going to be.  The practice is simply to see it.as it is - with no illusion and no denial.

And I want to add to that the practice of "assuming good faith"  - that is going into every encounter with others and with the expectation of good will on their part and my part.  Or to credit Brene Brown to keep trying to see that "they are doing the best they can."  

And finally I want to see what I see and at the same time trust that underneath the surface or hidden from sight is the hand of God at work.  Always moving with love, healing and grace.  This does not mean thinking that "everything happens for a reason" - but that in every occasion there is something to learn and a way to grow and an opportunity for healing.  And when we make the "wrong" decision -an alternate way will emerge.

So.....having thought about that for awhile this morning as I prepare to live into today, I write this prayer to God.

Loving and faithful God, help me to see things as they are
not as I want them to be
not as they might be in a worst case scenario that I imagine and then try to protect myself from
not in a delusion of pollyanna optimism
But as they are in this moment.
Help me, Lord to be comfortable with all the situations of not knowing and to wait patiently for events to unfold.

Loving and faithful God  help me to greet the people in my life and those that I encounter with kindness.  Help me to understand that we all carry wounds and are doing the best we can.

Loving and faithful God help me to trust that you are working always to bring light, healing and love into every life..  In the midst of what can be confusing and messy, you are present as life giver - creator and re-creator and lover of my soul.

May I walk through this day awake, alive and open to all the gifts you offer.
Amen

Mid afternoon Monday

I just woke from a needed nap after a very hard night.

Yesterday afternoon I received a call from Audrey who I thought was doing some more work on the floors on her new house.  "Mom! There was a fire at my house!  I'm still shaking.  Come here!"

A little sputtering on my part and it sunk in.  A fire?  How?  What?

 She was planning to move into this cute red brick house this weekend.  She had sanded the floor s and now was in the process of staining them.  She had taken a three day break to run in a 3 day relay marathon and came back to work on the house on Sunday. .  She was making plans to pick up furniture this weekend. She was very ready to leave us and we were ready to be back to just the two of us.   We were in the countdown to her moving out and starting her new life in this sweet little house.

  The questions were answered when I got there. Approaching the house, it was clear something bad had happened.  There were black spots on the front door and a hole at the top of it.  The eave on the attic was damaged where firefighters had entered.
I could not get in the front door and walked around the back.

Inside was devastating.  The ceiling and floors of the living and dining area were dark, the walls were blistered, the windows cracked, the smell of smoke pungent.  I walked in and was speechless. Seeing blinds and a lampshade that had melted in the heat.  The closet door was gone and the bottom of plastic garbage was mute witness to the heat of the explosion.

We walked quietly from room to room noting that two bedrooms were untouched and one had black smudges on some of the walls.  The microwave was damaged, the celebratory wine in the refrigerator was still there.  It was awful.  Marnie and Erik came over and we all tried to imagine what happened  last Friday morning and what was going to happen now?

 That was yesterday.

It is Monday afternoon - I have had a nap and Audrey has spoken to the insurance company, and the fire marshall.  More is known.  The insurance company is sending their own investigator.  She will hire a contractor who will work with her and the company and it will probably take from 4 to 6 months before she can move in.  That much we know.

As the information comes in and time elapses the sense of anxiety has slowly lessened.  The reality of the next few weeks and months is settling in.  And we will go forward.

There have been many many conversations  of what could have been - she could have been present, she could have moved in furniture and clothing , she could have had a pet.  In other words - it could have been worse.  At the same time we wonder about what the house will look like after the work is done - new walls?  kitchen?  wiring?  who knows the improvements that might happen int his 50 year old house because of the fire?

Now we live into the  reality that  Audrey is still living with me and Chuck  and finding the best parts of  that.  I am watching mostly on the sidelines as she puts one foot in front of the other  and makes one phone call after another and does  what needs to be done..  I am proud of all my daughters successes, but these moments of watching resilience in the face of deep disappointment and grief are remarkable.  As I watched Marnie bounce back from a job loss and Kacey from the repercussions of a teacher's strike, now I see Audrey's grit and grace in a very trying time.

My faith is strong and I know - because I have seen it over and over again through the years - that ultimately all will be well.

I think it will be good to end this post with a prayer.for hope by Martin Luther King, Jr

And now unto him who is able to keep us from falling

and lift us from the dark valley of despair

to the bright mountain of hope,

from the midnight of desperation to the daybreak of joy,

 to him be power and authority, for ever and ever.  

Amen

Notes from the Regional Assembly

Well, it is over and it was pretty wonderful from my point of view.
Here is what I like about it.
1. the two worship services were well thought out and very fulfilling for me.  I loved the preaching and we had a liturgy in the morning that named the grief and loss and anger we feel from the past.  It was very moving.
2. we had a brief time of conversation around what we have appreciated in our church life and I really got in touch with how much real JOY I have experienced over the years through my work in the church.
3. the business meetings made the four resolutions clear and we understood and voted on them in good order.
4. I appreciated Janet Long's impassioned concerns about churches which do not support DMF giving.  Accountability!
5. The selection of officers was transparent!  I think about how many times I have sat in rooms with lists of people and making phone calls.  Both in the local church and through regional work.  This reminded my of how the Advance conference now selects their three officers who are responsible for a years work of planning.  Each person takes the very vulnerable step of coming forward and saying they feel called to this work - they are "called, willing and prepared"  And then the vote comes and maybe they get elected.  They have already committed themselves.  I don't know how many times people are asked to do important jobs and ithe responsibilities are dismissed by the asker - "it's only a meeting a month, or 5 meetings a year."  And they come expecting to do the minimum.  We need people who are ready to go.
6. We also created a new committee - a transition committee that will only be in existence for 8 months that is tasked to have listening conferences and plan another assembly in the spring.  21 people volunteered to be part of this - and 9 were selected from that group.  It is innovative and helping us to be accountable.  

So.....I came away from it feeling like it was a very good beginning.  And we also got the news that the debt to camp has been reduced alot!  from $280.000 at the beginning of the year to now - under $60,000.  We can do it.  We can raise the money.  I know we can!

Here's a good blessing from that day

May the RISEN LORD be with you,
lifting you from every darkness and revealing to you the hidden life in every death.
May your rise to every opportunity to know God
.....in the love of your friends, in the beauty of creaiton, and in every peak and valley of your singular life.
May you know Resurrection promise in each exchange with God's people.
May the RISEN LORD bless you.

Saturday Morning Prayers

I am getting ready to go to Gender Road Christian Church where our "Regional Assembly" for the Christian Church in Ohio is going to be from 10 - 4 PM.  Somehow during this time 300+ people are going to decide about the future of the region and the future of Camp Christian.
 - we have a resolution to vote on separating Camp from the region and having the region operate with NO regional minister - but only staff.  An administrator.  With the "camp staff" being the superintendent and part time food service person.
 - other resolutions may or may not come to the floor
 - some people are still very angry about the past regional minister and want to bring charges against him

I will be doing an opening and closing prayer for this event.  And watching, praying and hoping that all will go well.  I wonder whether there is going to be conflict and what it will look like.  The thought of that makes my stomach hurt.

So much of my life's work has been tied to this camp and this region that I wake today with anxiety and come to all of it with prayer - and wonder

Here is a poem that I may read today

"The Way It Is."

There's a thread you follow. It goes among
things that change. But it doesn't change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can't get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time's unfolding.
You don't ever let go of the thread.

William Stafford

That thread may seem elusive and hidden, but it is there!

Keep us in prayer

An Introduction......Not an Infestation

Thank God!  Yes, Thank God.

"You have had an introduction and not an infestation."  These were the words spoken by Adam – an expert on bedbugs who came to our home this morning to look over the bedroom.

It all started about a week ago when Audrey came to me with bite marks on her ankles.  We looked them up on google and thought – OH NO – could it be bed bugs?  Then an examination of her bed and the box spring showed unmistakable signs of them living in our home.

We immediately went back to the internet and read about what to do.  And we did everything we could:

·        We bought sleeves for the mattresses that will remain on the mattress and the box spring for a year

·        We took  books and put them in the freezer to stay for four days

·        We sprayed the bed frame with Hot Shot and put it in the garage.

·        We removed  clothes from  closets and drawers and dried them for 20 to thirty minutes

·        We vacuumed and vacuumed and vacuumed

·        And sprayed and sprayed and sprayed the room

·        We would enter the room and do the work and then take our clothes off and wash them.

We  lived with   dreadful questions:  am I itchy?  Is that a bite on me?  Are these unseen creatures moving to the next bedroom, to the living room?  Are they on my clothes ; Am  I bringing them to a friends house?  To the movies?

 And we heard from others horror stories about how it took months to get rid of these bugs and thousands of dollars.

And then today, the examination – the slow study of the room, the closets, the wallpaper,  the bed frame, the carpets and he saw NOTHING.  To say that we feel relief is an understatement.

So there is still work to be done.  Just in case, every closet will be completely emptied and we will spray it.  And then the slow work of moving our stuff back in again.

       We had an introduction and it was unsettling to say the least.  And the worst of it was a feeling of being out of control and vaguely ashamed.  My friend Mary came to spend the night on Friday and changed her mind when she heard about this.   When I mentioned bedbugs  to my physical therapist, I had to put my clothes in a bag and wear a gown.  And I have been living with a free floating anxiety about whether I am a carrier.  It has been a challenging time to be sure.

I end in deep gratitude that it was no more debilitating than it was.  And while there was some financial  cost to it, our do it yourself solution worked.  Thank God.   Yes, Thank God. 

My prayers are with all of those men and women who are dealing with this right now.  It is a nightmare.