Hymn Sing

So, I have a big day ahead.  Bible Study at 9 and 3 and a conference call with my clergy buddies at 10 am.  And probably mentoring Gladys at 7.  That is good.  It is enough

Last night my church had a Hymn Sing on Facebook live and it was wonderful.  About 40 people checked into it.  We gave our suggestions for hymns.  The organist and pianist played and three women accompanied John on vocals.  It was pretty great.

I sat in my chair and suggested hymns that they did sing - Because He Lives and Here I am Lord.  I sang along and, of course, cried.

The words to these songs just bring me to tears and once again, I find that participating in worship alone allows my emotions to just flow.  I feel like my faith and relationship with Jesus has really gotten stronger ever since Chuck got sick.  This pandemic has really heightened everything.

I think it is because I am alone and my response to reading, to silence, to meditation and to music is completely unedited because I am alone.  There is no one to judge or even see what is going on with me.

In my Bible study we are looking at 1 Peter 2 and it contains several lines that speak to my soul.

"let yourselves be built into a spiritual house

to be a holy priesthood

you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's own people

called you out of darkness into his marvelous light

once you were not a people, but now you are God's people

This all relates to a podcast I listened to by James Finley as he used a prayer by Thomas Merton for Lectio Divina.  Merton's prayer is about how he does not know where he is, or who he is. Finley  talked about our shadow:  both the weaknesses and the giftedness that we do not see in ourselves.
He says that we are afraid to be all that we are.  And what pleases God is when we let into our heart how deeply loved we are by God and return that love. 

I think that singing some of the old hymns - about being in the garden with Jesus or allowing God to be the potter and me the clay or I can face tomorrow because He Lives. somehow goes deep into my heart.  For an hour last night we sat together - God and I - and rejoiced  in the love we share.  And for a moment I knew that I was chosen, a living stone, called into the light.

And then a new day dawns and I am back in my usual condition of wondering who I am and where I am going.  And trusting God in the midst of it all.

Here is the prayer by Thomas Merton.  It is my prayer today.

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me.I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. Amen.

.

Born Anew

The lectionary today includes this verse from 1 Peter 1: You have been born anew, not of perishable but of imperishable seed, through the living and enduring word of God.

I start this day reading a little bit of Henry Nouwen  who writes about how we are needy.  We need attention, we need to know we are valued, we need to achieve, to be noticed.

AND he further says that this is related to our woundedness,  There is this part of us that does not feel valued or loved or accepted. 

He says that Jesus comes to reveal the first love.  And in the morning as I sit in prayer and with scripture and my journal I know that following Jesus helps me to get in touch with that love.  Nouwen writes that long before we talk about original sin, we need to recognize the original love of God.  We need to get in touch with the reality that we are totally loved without condition or limits.,

And I believe that as we engage in that spiritual life - we are born anew.  Remembering we are loved.

As I sit in this and read the scripture on my phone - (in comes daily in an email) - I get a notification from CNN about a woman who is being accused by conspiracy theorists that she brought the corona virus into the US.  It is ugly and hateful. and really - typical of what is in the news.  Lots of blaming, shaming, lying, hating and then reactions to same.

So, I can't get away from it, but I can choose to live out my Christian identity.  To follow Jesus means that I spend time like this:  emptying and opening myself to the loving spirit that is present within and without.   I acknowledge the wounds I carry and trust God's gradual healing. I can seek to find beauty and to create.  I can keep looking for signs of new life and God's presence.

 This is how - again today - I am born anew. 

I think I have shared this prayer by Maxine Shonk before - but it is so fitting today with these ruminations.

May the God of HEALING be with you
blinding and soothing your every wound, moving you gracefully in a dance of nurturing love and lulling you back to wholeness and health
May you be gifted with a healing gentleness and compassion with which you might touch the lives of others.
May the God of HEALING be with you.

He heard my voice

The Psalm reading for this week ha been Psalm 116 which starts with these words

I love the Lord, because he has heard my voice and my supplications.

Because he inclined  his ear to me

therefore I will call on him as long as I live.

So often I write and think about me hearing God's voice - which has been an important part of my faith journey.  Before that, however, is the belief that God hears my voice and my supplications.

During this Pandemic, there have been a lot of supplications.  This morning I wrote for some time in my journal about the state of my soul as I live in the midst of the pandemic, with concerns about my daughter working in the hospital, concerns about my future not knowing when and whether to move, concerns about the church, concerns about the world. 

Then I listened to a podcast by James Finley and spent time in prayer and meditation.  He said several things that were illuminating for me:

1. He reminded me that we rely on the constancy of structures and that this pandemic has revealed their weakness and fragility.  AND he said that our ego structures are related to those structures.  

2. The fear of the pandemic may be activating our deepest fear.

3. Our spiritual journey is one that leads us into growing sensitivity - to fears, grief, sadness.  And therefore we really  need to be anchored by experience of God's presence and love.

4. If we don't get close to the hurting place to touch it, we can't heal it.
If we get too close too soon, the energy overwhelms us and we feel like we might get swept away.

I resonate with all of these statements as I come to God in prayer. There is an undercurrent within all of us of feeling off base, shaken and anxious.   He spoke of learning the art form of "modulation" - how to draw close to the wound, to the fear, to the sadness  and when to back off, take a breath.
In this 7th or 8th week of sheltering in place, I find myself feeling more and more alone and grieving. But what gives me peace is the belief that "he heard my voice"  and I can call on him as long as I live.

That is why I write, I pray, I sit with God.  I can call on him as long as I live and slowly find the healing I need as I experience the suffering that comes with this pandemic.  Interestingly, Richard Rohr once wrote that suffering is when we are not in control  And so, by that definition we are suffering together. 

At the beginning of the podcast James Finley spoke these words
Lord, I don't know who you are - except you are the one who saved my life.
I don't know who I am  - except I was the one who was saved.

I am saved as I  come close to the wound and speak of it to God.  I am saved as he hears me and speaks his words of love and peace and presence.  The infinite love of God is our eternal destiny according to Finley.  I believe it.  I will base my life on that today.

Here is a prayer from the Dominican Sisters of Peace

Loving and Faithful God,

through your prophet

you assure us of your Love

during this "corona-chaos" time,

when fear wants to overtake us.

In these days of not knowing what we be,

help us to trust in your presence

with us always, as we live into what is.

May we place our hope for what will be

in Your unshakeable covenant of Peace.

May our faithfulness to that covenant

bring each of us to

a new perspective on our life

so that together we can realize

your promise of Peace.

We ask this as we ask all things 

in the name of Jesus

who lives and love forever.

Amen

A Living Hope

I have not written for a couple of days.  First, I had my birthday Sunday and it was a great one - isn't that a surprise?  My daughter Marnie came over in the morning with Donuts, Audrey later with groceries and wine, friends dropped off wine, and Kacey provided a wonderful door dash meal from Cheesecake Factory.  My favorite part of my birthday was the "Open House" Zoom meeting with cousins, brothers, kids and my friend Susan.  We talked for 2 hours and I was just so happy to see and interact with everyone.

One of the blessings of the pandemic is this unique closeness that I feel with my family that is in North Caroline, New Hampshire, Washington State and Virginia.  We have never had a conversation like this that was so easy to do and it really was only because of the miracle (!!!) of zoom.  Wow.

I continue with Bible studies for the church and today we spent time with the first chapter of 1 Peter.  This was part of the daily lectionary for today.  One of the commentaries said that Peter was writtenfor " real people facing real crises."  I guess you could say that it is very timely - because this pandemic has certainly been a real crisis. 

The first part of the chapter was titled " A Living Hope" and it describes God's activity in claiming us as his children.  Within these verses there is an assurance of "being protected by the power of God"  and also that we will "suffer various trials."  Our conversation this morning was around times of experiencing the protection as well as times of knowing that we were tested.  The point is that those times end up strengthening our faith in God's presence and goodness.

The truth is, however, that when we are in it - in the midst of the trial - as we are now in this pandemic, we may not really see or feel God's presence.  Our faith means that we trust it in dark times.  I had a dream this week that I was driving a car and had to make a left turn and literally could not see anything because it was so dark.  I had to just keep going and trust that I would not get hit.  I think it expressed how I sometimes feel these days.  I don't know what is going to happen - whether I will stay in my house or move.  I don't know what will happen with the church and my place in the church.  It is very difficult to see what is going on.

The second part of the chapter is titled "A Call to Holy Living."  It is really living into the consequences of our relationship with God - "prepare your minds for action, discipline yourselves; set all your hope on the grace that Jesus Christ will bring you when he is revealed."  What I realize as I prepare for a Bible study is how important it is to me to spend time with God's word.  It is one way of "preparing my mind"  or what I would call looking up.  The human tendancy is for us to stay engaged in our own story and get lost in the wonder and worry of what is going to happen next.  It is when I turn back to God - remember God's present and promise - that I am able to just trust that all will be well, all will be well.

There is one other word that is used in this text - Peter is writing to people who are "exiles" which means that we live in the world but that is not really our home.  We are "strangers in a strange land" as we take seriously following Jesus and this way of trust, love, and faith.  It is very different from the consumer culture that encourages us to seek security through achievement and accumulation.

One of the commentaries included this quotation which is supposedly a famous unwritten saying of Jesus (I had neverheard of it before)
The world is a bridge.
The wise man will pass over it,
but will not build his house upon it."

That is food for thought on this Thursday afternoon.

Here's a blessing by Maxine Shonk

May you be blessed with  the WISDOM of God who fills your heart with vision
so that you may see all things with the eyes of God.
May you have the wisdom and knowledge to discern God's desire.
May you be drawn to a deeper awareness of God's activity in your life.
May you give voice to that wisdom as you enter into communion with all God's people.
May the God of WISDOM  bless you.

On and ON

So, here we are in our second month of sheltering in place.  At first I wrote about days, then weeks and now a new month.  And the awareness that we have weeks - if not another month to go.

In spiritual direction and just talking to people, I am curious about what folks are learning through this experience.  I know that until it is over we won't really know all that has happened within us and to us.  But for now I just want to reflect on what I have learned so far.

1. The importance of routine.  I find myself being more consistent with bedtime at 10 and getting up at 6.  The always make my bed, take showers, get dressed.  Sounds obvious, but I think not everyone is doing that. 

2. Projects hare been helpful.  Having projects to accomplish has made these days more meaningful.  At church I have had projects like helping to put together caller lists or organizing mask makers.  Yesterday one of my "projects" was driving in the rain and delivering some masks.  What can I say, it made me happy! At home, I have been slowly getting rid of things in this house every week and now I am stripping wallpaper in the bedroom.  It helps.

3. Information.  I have a mantra which is "anxiety is caused by not enough information."  So, I do dip in and out of the news on TV - watching at times Dewine talk about Ohio and Cuomo about New York and the President and the wonderful Dr. Fauci talking about the country.  In addition I am always listening to podcasts - The Daily and The Fifth Column and Stay Tuned by Preet which fill out the story and give background.  This pandemic is not simple and is actually fascinating to learn about all the different facets of it - from its source, to the political implications, to the human stories of suffering and heroism.

4. Bible study.  I am blessed to be doing Bible study twice a week in zoom meetings for the church and always the person who is most affected by the word is - I am sure - me.  This week reading about the resurrection reminds me that God is always at work and that Jesus was not always recognized in the moment.  Helpful to remember. 

I also read the daily lectionary.  Today it was John 20 and I read again the story of Mary in the garden.  There is something about when Jesus spoke her name aloud that told her that he was with her.  That scene touches my soul - as I know that Jesus does "speak my name" and wants me to trust him.

5. Daily meditation and contemplation. There are so many ways in which I "contemplate" God - chief among them is really just sitting.  There is a wonderful podcast "Turning to the Mystics" by James Finley that encourages me in the contemplative life.  He guides us into a time of prayer with the simple words - "Be Still and Know that I am God."  It is in stillness that I find peace for my soul and a strengthening of my faith.

Always when I talk to people about this time of sheltering the words - strange and weird come up.  It is a very strange time and my guess is that in years to come we will look back on it in wonder.  I am continuing to learn about living alone and I am finding that it is becoming more and more comfortable.  And at the same time, I think I have a greater awareness that ultimately I am never alone because of my faith.

I will end this with a prayer by Henri Nouwen

Lord Jesus,
Free me from the many things that occupy and preoccupy me.
Help me just to be with you.
To pray with you, glirfy you, thank you, worship you.
I want to be attentive, more ready to hear you, more willing o undersand the mystery of your b rth and life,\
your dying and your rising.
Make me still, Lord, make me quiet, and speak to me in that silence.
\Amen

Dissonance

Dissonance

I sat at the dining room table this morning, journal in hand, listening to classical piano music with my resurrection centerpiece and tried to remember the word dissonance.
I wrote down disconcerting
then disorienting
and finally remembered dissonance.  That is typical for me and my word searches these days.

The scripture for today in the lectionary is the one I did a Bible study on yesterday - Mattew 28L 1-10 as the women come to the tomb and find it empty and later encounter Jesus on the way to tell the disciples that is will meet them in Galilee.  Yesterday as I first spent time with the text and later led the study, I felt overwhelmed with the promise of resurrection.  YES.  Goodness will outweigh or even triumph!  over the powers of the wicked.  The wicked being the cornoa virus and also the machinations of the political.

Today I sit after having a dream about Chuck.  In the dream I was at the pulpit and he came up smiling with a wallet I had lost that had money in it.  And teasing I gave him a $5 bill and he kissed me and said he loved me.  As I wrote this the first time in my journal I cried.

The dissonance is the belief in the resurrection and the work - the hidden subversiive work of God - and the present experience of empty, lonely, sad, waiting.

There are times I look at this condition - and call it "both and" but today it just seems dissonant - the intellectual beliefs and the felt experience.  I live always between being and doing, feeling empty and too busy, loved and alone.  Both and.  Trusting in God's work but tired of waiting.  And really and truly wondering if I will ever be happy again.

AND then I texted one of my directees and made arrangements to do spiritual direction this morning with her and felt my spirit lift.

It is hard to be me.  But I suspect we all live in this crazy dissonant place and this pandemic may just be bringing us closer to the bone in recognizing it.

Also two good things in the past 24 hours. A  minister friend of mine who lives in Northwest Ohio asked me to do a Bible study for clergy.  AND one of my directees sent me this: 

God and I have become
like 2 giant fat people
living in a tiny boat.
We keep bumping into each other
and LAUGHING

That's me - laughing with God  and crying at the same time.  

Love Wins

It is Easter Sunday morning and those words - LOVE WINS - came to me as I watched the "Sonrise Service" led by John Romig.  Afterward I watched on facebook the Columbus Symphonies rendition of the "Hallelujah Chorus" by musicians performing at home together.

Love wins means that the forces of division and death do not have the last word.
Love wins means that as we sit isolated in our homes - we do not have to be isolated in our hearts and in our interactions.
Love wins means that there is a power that is greater than us  - and greater than corona virus - bringing healing and love into this world.
Love wins means that Jesus - who was the Son of God, who was God incarnate - could not be defeated and continues to lead and companion all of us.
Love wins means light in the darkness, hope in the midst of despair, and love and grace despite the forces of hate and judgment.

Love wins.

So, I will read the New York Times this morning, watch a service online connected to my friends at Gender Road Christian Church, enjoy Easter Lunch with Audrey, Melanie and Erin through zoom.

I will walk outside and enjoy the beauty of spring and trust that all will be well.  God is here and bringing us together in new ways and changing us in ways that will be revealed over time as healthy and transformative.

This pandemic is by no means the will of God - but the power of God's love and grace will bring new life in ways we cannot imagine.

For me the word I would always use for Easter is "Surprise".
 The women went to the tomb in faith to tend to a lifeless body.  Surprise - that body was gone and not only that but Jesus was alive.  Surprise!
I listen to friends and pundits about what this time of social distancing is doing or going to do and I truly believe we don't know.  We can't know because we are in the middle of it all.
 And my faith tells me that there will be a series of surprises.  God will use this for good, for healing, for new life.  Surprise is coming.

Love wins.

Always.

Here is a wonderful prayer by Ted Loder

"I Praise You for this Resurrection Madness" (Ted Loder)

Lord of such amazing surprises

    to put a catch in my breath and wings on my heart,

I praise you

    for this joy, too great for words,

        but not for tears and songs and sharing;

    for this mercy that blots out my betrayals and bids me begin again,

        to limp on, 

        to hop-skip-and-jump on,

        to mend what is broken in and around me,

        and to forgive the breakers;

    for this YES to life and laughter,

        to love and lovers, 

        and to my unwinding self;

    for this kingdom unleashed in me and I in it forever,

        and no dead ends to growing,

           to choices,

           to chances,

           to calls to be just;

    no dead ends to living,

            to making peace,

            to dreaming dreams,

            to being glad of heart;

    for this resurrection madness which is wiser than I

        and in which I see how great you are,

        how full of grace.

Alleluia!

Holy Saturday

Silent Saturday.  I am here with my dog at my feet.  I am here.

Yesterday was OK.  I did some spiritual direction, read to Maggie, saw Audrey who delivered groceries, received a gift of 7 pounds of cheddar cheese for my birthday from John Lindamood - much of which will be given away.  But wonderful!

I watched our church's Good Friday stations of the cross service on my phone at 7 PM.  It was so powerful, I could not believe it.  I think it s was because I saw it in isolation - alone.  And was able to really feel every part of it.

It was fairly simple - reading scripture, showing a picture, a little reflection.  And I sat there with tears streaming down my face.  Between doing these Bible studies where we examined in detail the betrayal, denial, arrest, crucifixion, and enduring these weeks of solitude, and being alone to really not worry about what anybody around me is thinking about my reaction, I found it profoundly moving.  Here is what I wrote afterward:

I see Jesus going into the darkness of violence, political and religious machinations, the fickleness and the superficiality of the crowd
to his death - suffering, mocked, rejected, alone
And trusting YOU God.  As I do today

With tears and more tears.
It hurts to think of Chuck's death still.
It hurts to think of  my failures as a leader.
It hurts to think of my fear about an empty future and a declining body and mind

I come to the abyss to be with you Jesus
I sit with the women and accept the sacrifice, the unfairness and the pain.
And stand with you.
loving you, Trusting God
it is good Friday

+++++++++++++++

At Bible study on Thursday I ended our session by saying that we live in a culture that dismisses suffering - ignoring, avoiding, numbing.  As Christians our comfort  - when we have the courage to face and experience the necessary suffering to this impermanent life - is the awareness that Jesus is with us.  We are not alone.

It seems to me that these three days - Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and Holy Saturday are the times in which we are being called to do what the disciples did not do.  Stand with Jesus, witness, companion in his suffering.

I have never expressed that or known that as much as I do right now.  It is hard but it is holy.

Keep your eyes on Jesus

Today is Maundy Thursday and I will not be in a church.  I may watch one online, but I will not be in community with others today.

I read the scriptures of this day and ponder again the last supper, a meal served to the disciples the day before the crucifixion.  They gathered and he fed them and told them to remember him in this meal.  He gave them what we sometimes call - the bread of life and the cup of salvation.  Most importantly then, he spoke the words of forgiveness as he passed the cup.  They, of course, had no clue that within 24 hours they would betray, deny and run away from him in his time of suffering.

What I remember this morning as we continue to live through these strange days of the pandemic, is that if I start with Jesus "all will be well."  If I start with myself - I encounter the one who can so easily betray, deny, and run away from pain and suffering.

This holy week is unique as I am experiencing it in isolation and  aware of the pain and suffering of the world right now.  An unseen and powerful virus is at floating through the air and can infect, debilitate and kill people.  Like most of us, I stay home and protect myself by  being quarantined.
And I wait for life to return to whatever normal is going to look like.  There are times - like this morning  - that this feels so passive - to just wait for the danger to pass.  Like I am hiding out  in an old western while the bad guys are fighting the sheriff and I am cowering inside away from the action.

But I keep my eyes on Jesus who tells me that he loves me and wants to feed me at the table once again.  And remind me that he is the anchor in the midst of the storm, and that all will be well.  That at this time in my life I am out of the action - waiting in faith and trusting that "all will be well."

So, I start this day with prayer and gratitude.  And prayer this prayer from Teresa of Avila


Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things are passing away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things
Whoever has God lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.

Stripped Down

I just finished the first of two Bible studies I am doing today.  We are in the 27th chapter of Matthew and covering the suicide of Judas, the trial of Jesus, the decision of the crowd to choose Jesus for crucifixion over Barabbas, Pilate washing his hands of the decision and the mockery of the soldiers.

What you see in this is how non defensive Jesus is as he is being lied about, tortured and humiliated.  He is being stripped of everything but he is still Jesus.

At the end of Bible study, I ask people what they will take away from this time with God's word and one wise woman talked about how aging just strips us away.  That is so true.  So does retirement.  So does living in a pandemic.

We find out what matters and what gives us life.   Kind of.  I continue to struggle with how to fill these days.  On the one hand, I am busy - yesterday I had 5 zoom meetings and one facetime with Maggie.  But on the other hand there are the "to do" projects - cleaning out my house, cleaning my house, writing, preparing Bible studies, calling people, and of course, praying.   And then there are podcasts, netflicks,  books to read and listen to.  I have read some articles about "accomplishment" during this time - and all I can say is that it is a strange time.

On Monday I hosted a "Reader's and Writer's Salon" and I will at the end of this post share what I wrote.  It is basically a reflection on sitting in my living room looking out the window .  Sunday evening I felt like I wanted a message from God and found myself writing.  So here it is.  It kind of describes this place I am in - here but not here.  Waiting. Grieving, Wondering.
++++++++++++

I sit in my living room and look at the flowering pear tree in the front yard.  At least I think it may be a pear tree.  Chuck planted it about a year after we moved here.  Later he told me that he didn't realize how big it was going to be.  He thought it was too big.

In the spring it blooms - as it is right now - with beautiful pink flowers..

For me, when I notice - it is a harbinger of spring.  There have been years when I wasn't paying attention and missed the brief time of flowering. Other years I sat on the front porch, journal in hand with a cup of coffee or glass of wine and just savored it all.

This is the tree that has a bird feeder hanging on it and I would just marvel at the antics of the squirrels and the myriad birds coming and going - from the roof, to the tree, to the bird feeder, to the ground and round and round.  Especially in retirement I have had  time to see and hear the wonder of it all.

I also have memories of standing at the front window with Chuck - one of us calling to the other -  to see the squirrels hanging upside down trying to get birdseed or the cardinals, the robins, bluejays, One time we really got excited by a hawk sighting! We shared an appreciation of it all.

It was last spring after Chuck was gone that  I sat with my daughters having a garage sale and  realized  that half the tree was barren.. . One very large branch was dead  - there were no leaves, no buds, no life. in it. With my urging, Kacey got a saw and cut it off.

Now, nine months later, as the house will soon be on the market, I come in the driveway and it looks  sad, forlorn, and almost pathetic  - the one branch alive without the countering weight.  I know that either I or the next owner will remove the whole tree.

But right now, as I sit in my living room looking out the window I see the birds coming and going and the blooms adorning the branch that is left.  These signs of spring and new life remain.

It is nothing like what it was before.  But it is still alive and even in its diminished condition, it is still beautiful to me.

Lament

I am sitting and listening o Pastor John speak about Lament and how important it is in our spiritual journey.  This is definitely a time of lament.

One thing I notice is that we all hate complainers and can find so many reasons that stop ourselves from complaining. There are so many people who have it so much worse - there are people who are sick, whose family members have the virus.  There are those who have lost jobs.  There are those whose jobs put them at risk.   All of this is true.

However, it is also true that this time of sheltering in place can be hard and even painful. 
There are people who are very anxious, or lonely,  or grieving, or feeling great emotional, family, economic stress. We are aware of the corruption of the world as leaders act in divisive ways and we wonder if the powerful financial forces are taking advantage of the "little people."  We lament not only because of our own situation but the injustice that we so often just take for granted.  I have found myself just feeling sad at times that I can't even put a finger on what is really the matter.  It is a difficult time.

And so, let us lament.  That is to say :  come to God with our heartache, our sorrow, our confusion, our despair. It is our awareness that all is NOT well in our lives and in our world.   And know that God hears us and in giving speech to lament there is healing. And there is the beginning of the changes that have to happen.

I will end with Psalm 13 - a Psalm of Lament

13 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
    How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I take counsel in my soul
    and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

³ Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
    light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
⁴ lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
    lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

⁵ But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
    my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
⁶ I will sing to the Lord,
    because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Waiting for Easter

Today is Palm Sunday and I am definitely waiting for Easter.

I( know that Easter is going to be celebrated Next Sunday in some form or fashion.  Not with worship together as a church or Easter Egg hunts for grandchildren or  a big ham dinner for the family.  It will still be celebrated and that is good - wonderful, really.

The Easter - the resurrection - that I am waiting for is when we are no longer sheltering in place and back in community - sharing a room together, holding hands, hugging, touching.  YES.  That will be a resurrection.

In the meantime we go through Holy Week. This past week I spent time in Bible study of Matthew 26 and the preparation for the crucifixion.  These scriptures led me into pondering the great mystery of it all.:
 - The Lord's supper as Jesus shared bread and wine with his betrayer
 - The humanity and divinity of Jesus as he wept and prayed in the garden of Gethsemane
 - The continual lack of understanding of the disciples and  Peter's denial of Jesus
 - the forces of evil that conspired against him

In all of this we face the suffering of Jesus and the people who worked against him with  hate, violence, rejection and ultimately death.  We are everywhere in this story - because of course, we are capable of betrayal, denial and weakness.  (and hate, violence, rejection) Also we know about suffering.

As the world is living through a season of suffering, it is comforting to know that Jesus is here with us. He is the one who shows us the way of love - suffering love -  and in that I put my faith and hope.
On this Palm Sunday I know that the journey to his death was really beginning as he - astride a donkey - shows us an upside down version of a king.  A king who shows the way of humility, love, compassion, and trust in God.

So, my goal this week is to truly spend time with Jesus  as he suffered.  I read the paper this morning, I watch Sunday worship and I know that everyone is suffering. It breaks my heart as I read about what is happening in hospitals.  And I cannot imagine how many people are wondering how they will pay for rent, mortgage, groceries, medication etc etc as they lose jobs.  The suffering is world wide and right around the corner,  It is hard to live alone during this time and I know that it can be hard to live with family 24/7.  Our escape routes are gone and we are stuck with ourselves. 

But my faith tells me that Easter is coming, that "this too shall pass."  And my faith tells me that God continues to give me an invitation to spiritual growth in this circumstance.  And my faith tells me that the suffering Jesus is with me and all who are suffering at this time.

I will end with a prayer from Let Nothing Disturb You

Wtih St. Augustine I prayer fervently

"Give me what you have chosen for me,

and bring about in me what you desire for me."

For what am I without you?

What am I worth if I am not near you? 

If ever I should stray from you,

even a short distance,

how would I ever find myself?

But if I have you, God,

I will want for nothing.

You alone suffice.

Amen

Living a Lover's Life

So another day of living alone,  sheltering in place and trying to live a somewhat productive life. 

I start the day with a little bit of news on TV and after 20 minutes turn it off.  It is more of the same - blaming and predicting and waiting.  The virus is here and the bottom line for me is stay home.
But the question always is - and do what?

I read Richard Rohr's daily meditation which is a reminder that we are not in control   He writes:

Learning that we are not in control situates us correctly in the universe. 
 If we are to feel at home in this world, we have to come to know that we are not steering this ship.....
.....mystics know that they are being guided, and their reliance upon that guidance is precisely what allows their journey to happen.

When I turn to today's scripture readings I remember again that YES I am being guided.  Or more accurately, I COULD  BE guided. 
There is a reading today from Paul's letter to the Philippians 1: 1-11.  He is away from them, greeting them, encouraging their faith, praying for them.  His prayer as translated in the message

So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover’s life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God.


So, I start this day and ponder the love of God that is present in this very room, in this home, in my soul .  God is the lover of my soul and as I live my little life, I need to receive that love.  And then, allow God  to show me the way to love even as I live here, sheltered in place.

We have some projects going in the church - sending letters to people shut in a retirement center, making masks, calling people.  I have been helping to organize this ministry and today I hope to engage in it as well - making some calls and sending some cards. (no, I am not a mask maker!).  These are strange times for all of us and it is easy to focus on our own situation.  God keeps helping me to look beyond myself .This pandemic brings us  face to the face with the reality that we are not in control but we  do have a  choice of whether to put God's love into action.

I will end this post with the prayer from Richard Rohr this morning

O Great Love, thank you for living and loving us and through us.  May all that we do flow from our deep connection with you and all beings.
Help us become a community that vulnerably shares each other's burdens and the weight of glory.
Listen to our hearts' longing for the healing of our world. Guide us  today in living a lover's life.
Knowing that you are hearing us better than we are speaking, we offer these prayers in all the holy names of God, Amen