Waiting

Hopefully in faith.  And it is almost over.

Two weeks ago, John was in the hospital with pancreatitis and now we wait for another test which may tell us the origins of this illness.  I move in and out of anxiety about it.

As a pastor, I have watched people living in this state of waiting for news.  We have been there quite a bit this year as John had an MRI in December and a biopsy in January.  Each time there was the waiting for the results.  Which eventually showed that he has prostate cancer.

Then there was the waiting to see the doctor and find out what the protocol will be.  Eventually we found out that he will be taking pills and occasional injections and maybe radiation in the summer.  We learned that this is not a death sentence - but LIVING with cancer.  We can do that.  We are doing that.

Now there is a new issue and a new time of waiting.  Unavoidable waiting.

What I know to be true is that it is hard to wait and not know and not speculate and make up stories and start to make plans in my head based on the stories I have concocted.  For me, waiting in faith is waiting in a suspended state and just LIVE with the unknown.

I write this today as we will go to get the endoscopy.  The bad news that we learned yesterday is that we STILL won't find out what is happening for another 10 days - until he sees the doctor.  I know I am not alone in this but I really had no idea how hard it can be to not know. 

My mantra is from St Theresa of Avila:

"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well."

I do believe that.  And I also believe that God is with us in everything.  

Last night John said to me - the best part of life is love.  Yes!  And so I look for love and joy in the midst of waiting.  Here is a quote from Mary Oliver: 

 

Don’t Hesitate – Mary Oliver

If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy,
don't hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty
of lives and whole towns destroyed or about
to be. We are not wise, and not very often
kind. And much can never be redeemed.
Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this
is its way of fighting back, that sometimes
something happens better than all the riches
or power in the world. It could be anything,
but very likely you notice it in the instant
when love begins. Anyway, that's often the
case. Anyway, whatever it is, don't be afraid
of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.

the

Can people change?

That is the question that I was given to respond to in "Storyworth" which my daughter Kacey gave me for Christmas.  I thought I would share my response to it here.

I believe that people can change. That is really foundational to my faith - people can change. I can change my attitude, my body, my circumstances and my health.

Part of the change is healing. Trauma, grief and illness can lead us into a time of disorientation and pain. But healing from all of this is possible. I just heard about the death of a friend’s husband and thought that she will now go into that dark spiral of grief. I lived in and through that for two years and eventually the fog lifted and I was able to “come back to life.” The life I have come back to is different from the previous one and I have changed in some ways. But I did not remain in that place of darkness. I believe that is possible for everyone.

I have heard people tell me that they used to be shy and now they are not or they used to be more gregarious and now they prefer much more times of solitude. I do not know what brings those changes but I know they do happen.I have seen people who used to be more anxious and fearful and controlling become calmer and more at peace with the challenges and ambiguity of life.

Sometimes faith can make a discernible difference. I have been on silent retreats and experienced the loving and gracious presence of God and that becomes a factor for me in living more peacefully and trusting that “all will be well.” I encounter many people who have - usually because of their childhood upbringing - huge insecurities about who they are and whether they are acceptable or loveable. There is a mystery here in how an experience of God’s presence (sometimes demonstrated in loving care of a person or a community) can begin to fill that empty place within them. All I can say is that i have seen people change and learn to love themselves and live in a more life affirming way.

Now, at the same time I know that there are aspects of ourselves that may not change. As one who appreciates the insights of Meyers Briggs typology - heart (emotionally) oriented people begin there and the intuitive will not easily delve into the details of life. (speaking of myself). However, even in this, self knowledge can help us to recognize our shadow and not get triggered as easily. But blind spots are blind spots and that contributes to the lack of change.

In summary, the difference my faith makes is this: I believe that there is a life giving, healing presence in this world that loves us and seeks to move us to wholeness and unity and peace. We might call it God and that is a continual source of change for all of us as we allow the spirit to move us. To grow us.

We cooperate with the change that God desires for us as we "loosen our grip."  I love this writing by Ted Loder

 

O God, it is hard for me to let go, most times, and the squeeze I exert garbles me and gnarls others.

So, loosen my grip a bit on the good times, on the moments of sunlight and star shine and joy, that the thousand graces they scatter as they pass may nurture growth in me rather than turn to brittle memories.

Loosen my grip on those grudges and grievances I hold so closely that I may risk exposing myself to the spirit of forgiving and forgiveness that changes things and resurrects dreams and courage.

Loosen my grip on my fears that I may be released a little into humility and into an acceptance of my humanity ...

Loosen my grip on my ways and words ... that letting go into the depths of silence and my own uncharted longing, I may find myself held by you and linked anew to all life in this wild and wondrous world you love so much. so I may take to heart that you have taken me to heart

 

 

Doesn't everything die?

Those words are from a poem by Mary Oliver called "The Summer Day."  The line is: "Doesn't everything die at last and too soon?"

Yes, of course.  And it is hard when it does.  In yesterday's New York Times Maureen Dowd wrote an article called "Requiem for the Newsroom."  She writes that back in the 70's newsrooms were a "crackling gaggle of gossip, jokes anxiety oddball hilarious characters.  Now we sit at home alone staring at our computers.  What a drag. " I know my dear friend Susan knows exactly what she was talking about.  

I was looking at facebook today and saw that yet another church from my denomination was closing and becoming "a legacy church."  It just made me sad.  I keep seeing once vibrant churches shrink and often die.  Our camping program that had every week of camp filled with campers seems to have fewer young people every years.  And I remember what it once was - a place where lives were literally changed and people connected on a deep level.  For many of us it was truly the best week of the summer.

I was a camp counselor, an assistant director, and a faculty member at various camps for decades.  With Mary Wood, I helped to create our still successful Grandparents Camp.  This is the first summer in forty years that I will not be going to camp at all.  I am 74 years old now and I think it really is time.  It is bittersweet.  I will miss going and engaging with the kids as well as the other volunteers.  And it is just now the same camp experience.  

All of this is life, of course.  Everything dies -  institutions, churches, news gathering organizations, and people.  Death brings sadness and some regret.  At the same time, I believe that God is a creating  and recreating source of life and new life and there is always something more and something new happening.  As I look at the changes in churches over the years I really do wonder what is happening.  What is the something new?  

I guess as I write this - that is the definition of faith.  The belief that while I do not see it right now, God is at work and creating a new way of leading people to a relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. When I think of myself as  a Christian, the language is use now is that I am a follower of Jesus.  Christianity is about a way of life.   What that includes is: humility, wonder, service, grace, gratitude, compassion, simplicity, unity  and love.  This is a stance that is very different from many of the messages of our culture which encourage competitiveness, divisiveness, consumerism, materialism and individualism. How do my grandchildren learn about this other way of being in the world?

I don't know.  But I trust that under the surface and more than I know - there are books, music, people, movies, gatherings  and other ways that they can experience what we had a Camp and in Youth group in our day. I also  know that even though I am old and retired, God is not done with me - or any of us - in doing whatever we are called to do  to show and live out our faith in the abiding love of God.

Here is the poem by Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean—
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down—
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

—Mary Oliver