Morning with Teresa

I begin this Monday morning with Teresa of Avila.  I am slowly, slowly reading through The Interior Castle which was translated by Mirabai Starr.  At the same time I listen weekly to a podcast by James Finley "Turning to the Mystics" and he is talking about The Interior Castle.  It is a real gift and a very rich experience.

What I find myself pondering this morning is how the path of self knowledge is always going to be coupled with the knowledge of the majesty, the mystery and the goodness of God.

It is a call to humility and to self examination.  James Finley this morning spoke about how we are not to concentrate on the faults of others - especially behind their backs.  What I know is that when I feel closest to God I live in an acceptance of myself which has awareness of my shadow and an acceptance of others.  When I feel closest to God I am seeking and seeing the goodness of life and not allowing evil to create a veil for me.

In the second castle there is a greater awareness of the call of God ceaselessly to approach.  Finley said:

"We get a sense of the deathless presence of Jesus in speaking peace to us." And God speaks to us throughout the day - through conversations with others, writings, readings, sermons. etc etc.  God speaks in the trials by giving us strength and in our sins by giving us grace.  We know that just the act of being alive shows us God's love.

At the same time, as we become more aware of God's desire to love us, we also acknowledge the ways we resist that invitation and "cause distress."  It is very much like a marriage where we can withhold intimacy, hang onto resentments and resist deeper vulnerability.  We cannot love and live on our own terms - except we always try to.  It is in the second castle that we learn to give up the ideology of perfection as we experience that we are loved and precious in the midst of so many shortcomings.

So, I share all of this in my blog as a record of the journey that continues for me allowing God to reform or transform my life.  It is ongoing - that is for sure.

Saturday I led a retreat in the beautiful serenity garden at Gender Road Christian Church for 18 women.  It felt like a very blessed time to me and the rain did not start until 15 minutes after our time together ended! It was wonderful for me to see women in pray, contemplation and conversation together.  It is very much like physical exercise - we know that time with God will bring us peace - but so often we do not take time for it. 

So, in the midst of this pandemic and this time of racial reckoning,  I trust that God is doing something with me and with us as we keep turning ourselves back to God.

I will conclude this post with a prayer by Joyce Rupp that I shared on Saturday.  It speaks to me.

Time in the Resurrection Garden:  Watered Gardens  by Joyce Rupp

God of little buds just now wearing green sleeves,

God of lilac limbs all full with signs of flowering,

God of fields plowed and black with turned-over earth,

God of screeching baby bird mouths widely awaiting food,

 

God of openness, of life and of resurrection,

Come into this Easter season and bless me.

Look around the tight, dead spaces of my heart

That still refuse to give you an entrance

 

Bring your gentle but firm love.

Begin to lift the layers of resistance

That hang on tightly deep inside of me.

 

Open, one by one, those places in my life

Where I refuse to be overcome by surprise.

 

Open, one by one, those parts of my heart

Where I fight the entrance of real growth

Open, one by one, those aspects of my spirit

where my security struggles with the truth

 

Keep me open to the different and the strange,

Help me to accept the unusual and also the ordinary

Never allow me to tread on others’ dreams

By shutting them out, closing them up,

By turning them off or pushing them away.

 

God of the resurrection,  God of the living,

Untomb and uncover all that needs to live in me

Take me to people, events, and situations

And stretch me into much greater openness

 

Open me,  open me,  open me.

For it is only then that I will grow and change

For it is  only then that I will be transformed

For it is only then that I will know how it is to be in the moment of rising from the dead.

A Particular Kind of Courage

Note to reader: this was written Monday right before i lost the internet for 3 days

These words came to me this morning as I sat on my back porch on a rainy Monday:  A Particular Kind of Courage

The scripture I spent some time with was from Matthew 10:

"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth.  I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.  For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter in law against her mother in law......whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.

And the particular courage is to look at your shadow - YOUR shadow personally, as well as the shadow of other parts of your life - like the shadow of the church and the shadow of the nation.

What helps is to live with non-dual (both and) awareness - as opposed to binary thinking - black and white, right and wrong.

I first thought about this in relationship to our country, but then I found myself thinking personally about my own shadow.  Over the years, God has shown me parts of my shadow - my impatience, what a know it all I can be, how unconscious I can be , how self centered,  what a pleaser I am.  It becomes easier and easier to acknowledge these parts of myself (or tendencies, or compulsions) as I at the same time am aware of how loved, lovable, gifted and beautiful I am ( in my own Margot way).

I write these sentences like it is easy to face mistakes, failures and pain I have caused.   It is very  hard  to admit flaws and faults.  . This is why it helps to  have a relationship with Jesus and be able to confess to one who loves you.  (and sometimes we need to confess to real live people too) .My experience is that at this point in my life as memories come up of mistakes and failures I look at them again, confess them,  and can truly move on.  And I know that I still have to deal with my impatience, self centeredness, etc etc etc.   It is always there.  Another way of saying this - it is an acceptance of my humanity and a call to both "do better"  ("when you know better, you do better"  Maya Angelou) and to live in humility.  There is peace and growth in acknowledging the shadow.  You can drop the mask and be real with others.

As all this racial unrest is around, it is an invitation for us as a country to see our shadow.  The both and of being an American.  One part of our shadow is the sin of slavery as well as the genocide of the  native Americans that was part of our history. Of course, we were not around when any of this happened but we continue to live in a country where the consequences of racism and prejudice continue. That is what awareness of white privilege is all about.  We live in a country that had systems put in place from the very beginning that put white men in charge and everyone else  less than.  There are still vestiges of that around.  And it has caused pain to generations of black and brown people and women.

It takes a particular kind of courage to look at this.  As white people we feel guilty and vaguely complicit and confused by all of it. There is no question it is uncomfortable.  Too often people think racism is what I do now (personal behavior) - and not  examining the underlying systems that are keeping some from realizing the "American dream." It is tempting to focus only on the good parts of out country and make no mistake about it for me - I am proud to be an American.  I feel blessed beyond all deserving to have been born in this country where we continue to grow in democracy and there are checks and balances and a history of heroism that is beyond words.   I love being an American. But that does not mean that we are not invited to look at the shadow.  And listen and learn from the people who have been affected by the sin of racism. There are changes that need to be made that will not happen without our acknowledging the problems.  When you know better, you do better and our reluctance to look at the shadow discourages our knowing. 

It is not dissimilar to what we do in the church.  There are been issues throughout the beginning I am sure of church leaders that preyed on parishioners - sexual predators and pedophiles.  And there have been those who took financial advantages and literally stole from  faithful givers. When we embrace non-dual understanding we know that the church of Jesus Christ  - like the followers of Jesus Christ - will have a shadow.  And we need to have accountability and transparency in all of our organizational models.  Too often people either walk away from the church disillusioned because of the flaws of a leader or blindly accept everything that the leader does.  It takes a particular kind of courage to live in the reality that we are gifted and flawed and yet called to participate together in the church that is the body of Christ.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

This blessing by Maxine Shonk says it better than me:

May the God of COURAGE be with you,

helping you to embrace the darkness and pain of the journey,

calling you to stand in love with those who suffer.

May this God carve her faithful love into your heart.

May your inner self be transformed so that you can see

more clearly your own journey as one of peace, hope and solidarity.

May the blessing of COURAGE BE WITH YOU.

Inside and Outside

It is a beautiful Friday morning and I feel blessed to be alive.  One of the newest parts of my life has become daily walks and it was on a walk at Innis Woods that I had a realization of the great blessing of making it to 71.  And being able to still walk and work and play.. 

My walking has a new dimension to it.  My granddaughter Alyse downloaded the "Strava" app onto my cell phone which records my walks and tells me (and my followers - which are my family members) the distance and speed I have walked.  It gives me a goal and also affirmations from my kids about the walking that I am doing.  Once again, I find the gift of connection through technology which really does help me.  It is so easy just to sit!  One other gift was "Air Pods"   from Kim Veatch.  This enables me to listen to podcasts and books when I am walking.  The whole thing helps me - inside and out! 

One of the podcasts I am listening to is "Turning to the Mystics" by James Finley who is a contemplative writer. .  This season the podcast will be devoted to Teresa of Avila.  I have purchased the book "The Interior Castle" as translated by Mirabai Starr and started reading that as well.  I am finding that starting the day with Teresa really gives me a sense of peace.  Here are quotes from the first chapter that I wrote in my journal today:

The important thing is not to think much, but to love much.

And so to do whatever best awakens us to love.

The soul who has dissolved in God reemerges with a vibrant wakefulness

AND must return to the everyday world to be of service to other souls on the path.

As I begin this Friday, I am aware of the way my soul responds to these words and to spending time walking with God.  It is always an inside and an outside job.  God is here and wanting me to rest in God's love - I just need to practice my spiritual practices: writing, reading, praying, walking, being. And then - as Teresa would say. - All will be well.

Here is a wonderful blessing by john O Donahue

For Solitude
May your recognize in your life the presence,

power and light of your soul.

May you realize that you are never alone,

that your soul in its brightness and belonging

connects you intimately with the rhythm of the 

  universe.

May you have respect for your individuality and  

      difference

May you  realize that the shape of your soul is 

   unique,that you have a special destiny here

.that behind the facade of your life

there is something beautiful and eternal happening

May you learn to see your self

with the same delight,pride and expectation

with which God sees you in every moment.

Bible Study

I do three Bible studies a week and have been doing that for three months now.  And I keep finding that it is a real blessing to my spirit.  No matter what I find ideas and insights that strengthen my faith and truly inspire me.

This morning we spent time with Matthew 10: 5-23 which is the calling of the disciples into doing the ministry that Jesus has begun.  As I preached on some of this last weekend I highlighted how we are gifted to preach, heal and bring peace.  I really believe that everyone of us can come into a home or a hospital room with the spirit of God and  our love can bring hope and healing.  That is the call for all of us as Christians.

This morning the text talks about the vulnerability of  ministry.  Jesus tells his disciples: " I am sending you out like sheep into the midst of wolves."   We learn that the early church did experience persecution as they came into conflict with the government, the existing church and even their families.  That kind of physical persecution is not happening today for people like me, but it is easy to feel like an alien these days seeking peace and understanding and grace in the midst of a whole of judgments and divisiveness all over the place.

People are speaking a lot in slogans that others take to define their positions - whether you say black lives matter or all lives matter, or want to kneel for racial justice that others define as defying the flag, or wear a mask for protection or don't wear a mask for freedom.  It is all very challenging to me. And it feels literally hard - hard boundaries, hard opinions and hard hearts.

What I liked in the text this morning were these verses:

"Be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.

and

Do not worry about how you are to speak or what you are to say; for what you are to say will be given to you at that time.

I want to be vulnerable and I do come from a place of knowing that I have more to learn.  I listen to podcasts, read books and am (I hope) open to hearing all sides of all these complicated issues.  Most of all, I want to be close enough to God that I receive the words that I need to say and I need to write.

For today they are these - Love, Grace, Healing, Forgiveness

For now, that's all I have to say.

Holding all of it

It is Saturday morning and I just spent a half hour on the back porch with candles, journal, and "praying as you go" app.  The reading was from 1 Kings 19: and the story of Elijah listening for the still small voice of God.

I sit and feel like God as holding me as I live up in the air with everything swirling around me.  I can see in the back yard the bench on which Audrey placed a plaque that reads "Charles "Chuck" Truex - we miss you every day and the dates of his birth and death.

The dog - my faithful companion just sits beside me.  It is just raining a little. 

I think about my meeting with a half dozen women from Gender Road.  They are calling people in the church during the pandemic and I meet with them to check in. It was a truly blessed time together as women shared from the different parts of their lives.

Everyone has blessings and struggles.  Some struggle with caring for their aged parents, others worry about spouses or children.  Our conversations are  real and authentic.

And I share about living in limbo - not knowing whether to stay and go and not knowing how long I will be with them and just not knowing.

As I sit on the porch and listen in silence I hear the still small voice of God speak to me about love.  How loved I am and how loved I always have been.

I live with so many feelings that just come and go - the grief, the loneliness, the gratitude, the wonder, the gift of community.  There is so much to experience when I finally sit down and listen.

I find myself drawn to the nonagenarians of Gender Road Christian Church - there are a number of people in their nineties. As I consider them, I wonder if God's message to me is - keep going. .  There is so much more to come. 

I may have twenty more years to be with people, my children, my grandchildren.  Twenty more years to be present to the beauty and the holiness and the mystery of Love.

I hold it all.

May the God of VITALITY be with you, filling you with life and love,

bringing you to a place of energy and eagerness,

calling you to happiness and freedom.

May this God also be with you in times of doubt and struggle

and fill you with a passion for what is good and true.

May the blessing of VITALITY be with you.

Blessed are the poor in spirit

That is the verse I was given this morning as I sat on my front porch in prayer.

The texts of today were about the power of God.  There was one from Job (38:39-39:12) with some of these verses

Can you hunt the pray for the lion or satisfy the appetite of the young lions?...who provides for the raven its prey?....do you know when the mountain goats give birth?

And Psalm 29 with some of these verses

the voice of the Lord is over the waters

the God of glory thunders

The Lord, over mighty waters

The voice of the Lord is powerful

The voice of the Lord is full of majesty

Both of these are about the power and the majesty of God.  There is a God and it is not me.

My last post was about sitting on the "perch" of privilege and this morning I realize that the only way I can find peace is to get on my knees before the God of creation.  I have spent a week preparing for the sermon that I gave yesterday and today I just want to empty myself of everything - especially myself.

I have been mentally grappling with issues about racism and pandemics and human sinfulness for the last few days and I am done.  I am tired of thinking, talking, opining about it all.  I am tired of wondering how long this pandemic will be with us,  and now how long the protests will continue and what is coming next with either one of them.

There is a God and it is not me.  So, I start this week on my front porch looking at birds and hoping to be of service in some way to someone.

The voice of the Lord is powerful. 

I am listening.