He is gone

And I am bereft.  Feeling a sadness that is deep and abiding.  Always present. The tears are constant.

I want to put into words the events of his death so that I have a record.  It was - like everything else on this journey - grace filled.  Remarkable.  And all happening both so fast and so slowly at the same time.

Last Monday, December 17th Jim and Holly and Josh stopped by and brought soup.  Chuck was with us - sort of.  Eating a little.  But present and then went to bed because he was tired.  As they left someone used the bath room and afterward Chuck told me to tell anyone who uses the bathroom  to stop by his bedroom and say hello.  It was so Chuck.

Three hours later,  after we were trying to sleep,   he sat up in bed and tried to stand and fell.  We had a heck of a time and eventually I got him on his feet and then we both fell and I could not get him up.  I called Marnie and Erik who came to help and it was clear we needed an ambulance to take him - for the third time - to the emergency room.  He never came home after that.

We had five days in the hospital with excellent care.  I met with a slew of  doctors, nurse practitioners, social workers.  My brother Wayne and Gail came from New Hampshire and he sat in on every meeting and took notes.  It was clear to me that Chuck was not going to get better - he was declining daily as he was not eating.  His restlessness and dementia were unsettling and hard to watch.  There were flashes of his humor and love in the midst of a lot of confusion.  My family was with me daily as we waited to discern what the next steps were going to be.

After a meeting with the palliative care team, it was decided that I would take him to a care center in Dublin where he would receive therapy and then we would see if he would be accepted into hospice care.  We went to Heartland of Dublin and I immediately hated it.  I hated having a roommate and the sham of therapy.  I wanted him to be comfortable.  I was told on Saturday that we could not see hospice or a social worker until Monday.  Somehow on Sunday, however, a nurse told me that she could get  hospice  to work with us that day.  And she did.  At 5 PM I signed papers and at 9 PM Sunday night the nurse finally arrived and he received the medication that would give his body some peace.  Before that everyone in the family came to see him one more time because we knew that he was no longer going to be able to communicate with him.

Sunday night began then, the waiting time of sitting with Chuck and wondering when he was going to leave us. I am blessed with good friends who sat with him Sunday and Monday afternoon so that I could have a little rest, shop and actually have a "family Christmas" during this time.  Monday evening I sat with him.  Mercifully, his roommate had gone home so that we were alone in the room.  Audrey was with me and Melanie and her daughter Erin.  So we sat for hours - mothers and daughters who have had a long friendship and who all love Chuck.  We sat and talked and ate snacks and waited.  Sometimes I held his hand, or stroked his face and told him I loved him and he could let go.

At around 10 PM I wondered aloud if we would stay all night or leave.  He seemed to be "going strong."  It was a half hour later that his breathing changed.  Erin saw it first.  Audrey went over to him and spoke in his ear her love for him.  And then I  told him again that I loved him, that he could go and be with his parents and his son Matt and we would take care of his family and that it was "all good."   And with that.....he was gone.  I touched him arm and did not believe it, did not want to believe it.  But Audrey was sure and the nurse came and confirmed .  He was gone.

There is all that we say - he is at peace, in a better place.  Yes.  But he is gone from me.  and I am bereft.