The Last One

It was a busy weekend and now I celebrate  two events that were the LAST ONE

The first I wrote about in my previous post.  I had my last garage sale at 1812 White Pine court and that feels very good. When it was all said and done, it was very successful.

First of all, it enabled me to dispose of a large variety of treasures and  stuff that both Chuck and I have accumulated over the 15 years we have lived here.

Secondly, I made a little money.  And that is always a nice bonus as I consider where I want to spend it.  Yes, I am going to spend it !

Thirdly, the two days of the sale were both beautiful and it was very pleasant just sitting in my driveway with friends and family.  We actually did not get all that much traffic, but we were able to engage the people who came and it was interesting and fun.  The big surprise for me was how many older men came - with and without wives.  They would  spend 15 minutes looking through tools and cookbooks and other offerings and then try to talk me down a dollar or so.  Usually not spenders but the old guys looking for a bargain.  It was a mirror for me of who Chuck probably was as he went to garage sales and estate sales..

Fourth, my family REALLY supported me in this undertaking.  All three girls helped out and Marnie's daughters were there all day Saturday.  Jackson and Alyse were part of the preparation as they spent several days at my house  over the past six weeks finding items under the house and carrying lots of stuff  up from the basement, organizing it  and pricing.  I could not have done this without them.  There have been times through this process when I would just get overwhelmed by it all and the everyone helped me to keep going.

And finally, the greatest gift of all was my interaction with neighbors.  Several neighbors came multiple times and bought golf clubs, tools and other items.  A fourth grader, Millie, came over Saturday and bought some items and walked our dog Ginger and just hung out with us.  Maggie reached out to Austin who is also 5 years old and lives across the street and gave some of her toys to his family.  And I was able to give away leftover tools to a couple of neighbors.  All of this gives me a greater sense of community and safety in this new life of living alone in my neighborhood.

I have always loved the diversity in my cul de sac as we have a real mixture of people who live here.  Everyone knew Chuck who would willingly help with home repairs,  fixing kids bikes and handing out popsicles.  It was nice to hear people talk about how they missed him. And now, after this sale, I feel like they know me a little better. 

Having said all this, I still say this is my LAST garage sale.  I don't need to do this again!

The other last one was the "Worship in the Woods" that I did at Camp this summer.  I led about 6 services in the vesper spot and usually there were from 6 - 10 people present.  The service was essentially meditation, lectio divina and communion.  One practice we engaged in every week was writing a word on a stone and either keeping it or placing it on the altar.  The word came from hearing  the scripture read several times and discerning what God may be saying to us.

I was happy to do this and ended up every week hearing something important for my own faith journey.  I have no idea whether it was meaningful for others.  I think about some of the word I left on the altar - "peace." "trust" "listen".   Yesterday the scripture was from Luke 11: 1-11 and included Jesus teaching on the Lord's prayer and these familiar words:

So I say to you, Ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. ¹⁰For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.


For some reason what spoke to me yesterday  was these words - the door WILL be open.  I felt a sense of hope just in that phrase.  Later as I considered my final stone to place on the altar, I asked myself - what do you want?  What do you want to ask for?  And at first I thought "healing" but then the word "LIFE" came to me.  I ask for LIFE .  It is so easy as I live into this new life without Chuck to choose comfort and security    And "Life" for me represents vitality and connection to the life force.  Life means growth, vulnerability and being awake.

So, I have appreciated both of these experiences this summer - a sale that is part of the transition  I am living in and a worship service that has connected me weekly to the Word of God in a special way.  It has been a season of movement and I celebrate both of these occasions and pray always that  as things  come to an end - that new experiences will come.

I will end with a blessing by Maxine Shonk

May the God of LIFE be with you,
filling you with life-giving spirit,
awakening you to the new and beautiful,
calling you to holiness through the living of each day.
May you see this generous God revealed in all that you do and in all that you are.
May your Spirit-filled heart give life to all those you touch. 
May the God of LIFE BLESS YOU.

My last garage sale

Started yesterday and ends today.

It is 7:30 and soon Marnie and Kacey and Audrey will come over and help me to set everything
out today.  We had our first day yesterday and I made $250 but that is not the point of it.  The point is to clear out some of the stuff that fills my garage and basement.

We have been finding and sorting items for the past six week and pricing in the past few days.  What I know is that it would have been overwhelming to me without the help of my girls and grandkids.  With them, it is fun and coupled with meals and games and laughter.  Without them, it is daunting and kind of sad.

Chuck was a treasure hunter and my home is full of his treasures.  And he was a handyman who could fix most things and I have some broken and some working items.  And he was somewhat scattered and so - rather than having a few screwdrivers, he ended up with 50 and about 10 sanders and 8 drills.  you get the picture.  So we have treasures, appliances, tools, cookbooks and just lots of things to sell.

Some people have annual garage sales, but I find it hard work - not just getting the stuff ready but sitting in my driveway and watching people come by and look at and reject items that have been precious to us.  Or buying them - and then I think I should have charged more.  I keep having to remind myself that the purpose of this is not the $$$ but the purging.  I also have a sense of Chuck's enjoyment of these sales - so this is - in a way - a homage to him.  The final sale at 1812 White Pine Court.

Marnie will be coming with her family and Addie and Maggie plan to have a lemonaid stand.  I hope we have enough people so that they can make a profit.

And I have a feeling that this will be a day of a lot of fun.

May it be so!

Soul Songs

There are times in my life when songs just come into my mind and I pay attention.  One time I was on a retreat and I woke up and the song was "I'm in the mood for love" and I really felt like it was God saying to me or me saying to God - let us be aware of love.  Love is the essence of God and retreating is being "in the mood" to remember and receive.  At least that is where I went when the song came and I walked around humming for a while.

When Chuck died and I was living through winter I kept thinking that I just had to hold on till spring.  And that it would all be better then - new life, hope and all that.  Then this song came when spring came - "If ever I would leave you"  And it reminded me that every season contains memories of THAT season that will be remembered and mourned.  I had dinner with Nikki this week and she talked about how much Chuck loved fair season and the state fair.  He didn't love so much going to the state fair - (too much walking and besides it cost $$$) - he loved going to the fair at 9:30 PM and sitting in the McDonald's parking lot and watching the (FREE) fireworks.  And we both remembered and teared up.  That's grief.

And yesterday the song was "Losing my Mind."  I had to do some research to come up with it.  I kept humming "I think about you."  And then figured out it was written by Stethen Sonheim for Follies.  It is about heartbreak - the end of a relationship. I don't necessarily identify with that part but the constant remembering and the losing my mind is often ME. .  Here are the words.

The sun comes up
I think about you
The coffee cup
I think about you
I want you so
It's like I'm losing my mind

The morning ends
I think about you
I talk to friends
I think about you
And do they know?
It's like I'm losing my mind

All afternoon, doing every little chore
The thought of you stays bright
Sometimes I stand in the middle of the floor
Not going left
Not going right

I dim the lights
And think about you
Spend sleepless nights
To think about you
You said you loved me
Or were you just being kind
Or am I losing my mind?

I want you so
It's like I'm losing my mind

Does no one know?
It's like I'm losing my mind

And yesterday that was how I felt, but today is a new day and hopefully my mind will come back to what is right in front of me.

I have a wonderful book called It's OK that you're not OK.  Here is a quote from it:

"The more we speak of the reality of grief, the easier it becomes.  The more people tell the truth about how hard this is - how hard it is to be alive, to love, and to lose - the better this life becomes for everyone.  Even for those who think that grief is a problem to be solved."

So the songs come and go within my soul and I tell the truth about the struggle to live dragging around this big bag of sorrow.  At the same time, I prepare now to go to Camp Christian and share the good news of God's love that is undiminished and bringing hope and healing for everyone - including me.

Living in A Maze

Or living in Amaze ment

Here are notes from my journal this morning:

Sitting here at the table in tears.
A sweet text from Vicky about hreading Richard Rohr's meditation today
Another text from Audrey - she does not need a loan from me to fix the pipes in the bathroom,  She can take care of it herself
Magazines delivered from John Lindamood

Yesterday beginning the process of volunteering at the hospital
And the first meetiing of being on the Adult education council at the church
Movement forward

Planning for the garage sale.  Sorting and sifting
Cleaning my bedroom and finding satisfaction in having less.

Preparing for this new life
Living this life
Missing my companion
Moving forward
Praying - "Lord help me, Fill me.,  Use me"

Reading Mark Nepo  about bringing head and heart together
"Aim of life is to be surprised into a greater depth of connection and being"
"Touched by life"

We're in a maze
We're in AMAZE

Watching a squirrel out the window and summoning Chuck to stand beside me.
Looking at the bench in the backyard where Audrey placed a plaque:  "We miss you every day."

Past, present future
Embracing all

"Wonder in how the heart meets what can't be seen."

Vacation Gratitude

I got home last night from our annual beach vacation very tired and very grateful.  As I sat with my notebook this morning, I realize how many blessings I experienced in this week.

First, there were the people.  We went as three houses - Kacey and Marnie and their family in one, my niece Gillian, her boyfriend Mitch and her dog in another and Audrey, me, my brother Geoff and Vicky and Dawn and Jason in another.  So, we were family and friends and inter generational and interacting at the beach, at meals, shopping, and playing games.  It was never boring and there was always someone to be with.

And then there is the beach.  We went to OBX which I first visited with my family 55 years ago.  To say that there are memories is an understatement.  My last time here was two years ago when Chuck and I stayed with Geoff and Vicky.  It was a fun trip and I especially remember celebrating the eclipse together  but it was also a hard trip for Chuck.  He could not make it to the ocean with all the steps up and down.  But I could then and I still can.  I spent more time in the ocean and at the beach than I have in years and it was both exhilarating and peaceful.  I sit and look at teenage granddaughters and remember being a teenager myself on the beach as well as being the MOM who brought teens to the beach.  It is like a telescope of memories and activities.  I still love to swim in the ocean and this year the weather cooperated and the waves were just right!  I sit here tanned and happy just thinking about it.

And then there were the ashes.  We brought Chuck's ashes and Wendesday night had a teary ritual where we each participated in digging a trough and then each of us placing some ashes in it.  We covered it over and then trusted that the waves would take him back into the sea.  Chuck did not want to be "laid to rest" in the ground and he was able to be free in the water where he liked to cruise and fish.  It was good and one more step along this journey of grief.

And then there were the games.  We do not get together without  playing lots of games and so - darts, pool, pounce, carcassone, sky jo, rummy, splendor, pit.  The list is endless and it was nothing but fun.

And finally - and always  -  there is the love.  For me, sitting in reflection after a time like this, helps me to savor all the ways that we all show love to each other.  It is in listening, in working, in walking, in cooking, in eating, in just taking a week to be Together.  Just valuing each other enough to spend time together is precious.

Here is one of the greatest gifts I was given.  The first evening at dinner along the way, Alyse got out her phone and said to me (after one of my great "life lessons") "Would you give me a life lesson every day and I will write it down?"  It was a joke for the week as I came up with pithy sayings that she dutifully wrote down.  And I loved it.  Here are the ones I remember

1. You can't see yourself.
2. Everyone wants to be seen
3. You can;t have enough cheese
4. Life is change
5. Whatever you put out into the universe is what you get back.

This last one is a variation on my theme song for the week - When You're Smiling.  Because I have definitely found that to be true.  It was a week of a lot of smiles and some tears (remembering Chuck) and making some new memories in a place that holds my heart.