Hope in the Midst of Waiting

Today I thought I was going to go back into the world - go to church and then visit a friend who had surgery.  Just in case I took a covid test and - darn it! - there was the pink line and it is positive.  I have covid.  I assume I have had it since the symptoms started Friday - but it certainly means I am staying in for some more time.  It is very disappointing.

I have been binge listening to some books by Adrian McKinty since the first of January.  I am currently reading the last of a series of "Sean Duffy" crime novels.  He is a policeman in Ireland who is an immensely likeable character.  The writing is both lyrical and funny and suspenseful and wise. It is set in Ireland and I love listening to the narrator with his Irish accent.. I have really enjoyed these books.

For some reason, I decided to look up the author on wikipedia and learned that while he started writing these books fifteen years ago and had won notice for them, he still was not making enough money to live on.  In 2017, he was evicted from his apartment. He decided to stop writing and was making money bartending and as a Lyft driver.  It was only because of a phone conversation with another favorite author of mine, Don Winslow, and his getting him an advance through his agent, that McKinty started writing again.  He has since written a book - The Chain - which I have not read, but has been very popular and successful.  I watched an interview of him on CBS by Jeff Glor.

The book I am listening to right now is Police at the Station and They Don't Look Friendly and I love it and don't want it to end..  I realize that it was after this book was published that he gave up writing.  I think the hope I find in this story is not just the - keep on trying and you will be successful  - trope.  It is the awareness that our ideas of success and failure  are ephemeral. You truly never know how important whatever you are working on is and it can take years to recognize the value of certain jobs and relationships in our lives.

Which means, I guess, we live our life in the present trusting that whether waiting or working, resting or producing, "failing"  or "succeeding" - all of it  is in the hands of God.  We do our best in the moment and let it go.   

This prayer by Ted Loder speaks to me today as I wait for healing

Find Me Lord – Ted Loder

Oh, Eternal One,

it would be easier for me to pray

if I were clear and of a single mind and a pure heart;

if I could be done hiding from myself and from you, even in my prayers.

 

But, I am who I am,

mixture of motives and excuses,

blur of memories, quiver of hopes,

knot of fear, tangle of confusion,

and restless with love, for love.

 

I wander somewhere between gratitude and grievance,

wonder and routine, high resolve and undone dreams,

generous impulses and unpaid bills.

 

Come, find me, Lord.

Be with me exactly as I am.

Help me find me, Lord. Help me accept what I am,

so I can begin to be yours.

 

Make of me something small enough to snuggle,

young enough to question, simple enough to giggle,

old enough to forget, foolish enough to act for peace,

skeptical enough to doubt the sufficiency of anything but you,

and attentive enough to listen

as you call me out of the tomb of my timidity

into the chancy glory of my possibilities

and the power of your presence.

 

Amen.