Soul Songs

There are times in my life when songs just come into my mind and I pay attention.  One time I was on a retreat and I woke up and the song was "I'm in the mood for love" and I really felt like it was God saying to me or me saying to God - let us be aware of love.  Love is the essence of God and retreating is being "in the mood" to remember and receive.  At least that is where I went when the song came and I walked around humming for a while.

When Chuck died and I was living through winter I kept thinking that I just had to hold on till spring.  And that it would all be better then - new life, hope and all that.  Then this song came when spring came - "If ever I would leave you"  And it reminded me that every season contains memories of THAT season that will be remembered and mourned.  I had dinner with Nikki this week and she talked about how much Chuck loved fair season and the state fair.  He didn't love so much going to the state fair - (too much walking and besides it cost $$$) - he loved going to the fair at 9:30 PM and sitting in the McDonald's parking lot and watching the (FREE) fireworks.  And we both remembered and teared up.  That's grief.

And yesterday the song was "Losing my Mind."  I had to do some research to come up with it.  I kept humming "I think about you."  And then figured out it was written by Stethen Sonheim for Follies.  It is about heartbreak - the end of a relationship. I don't necessarily identify with that part but the constant remembering and the losing my mind is often ME. .  Here are the words.

The sun comes up
I think about you
The coffee cup
I think about you
I want you so
It's like I'm losing my mind

The morning ends
I think about you
I talk to friends
I think about you
And do they know?
It's like I'm losing my mind

All afternoon, doing every little chore
The thought of you stays bright
Sometimes I stand in the middle of the floor
Not going left
Not going right

I dim the lights
And think about you
Spend sleepless nights
To think about you
You said you loved me
Or were you just being kind
Or am I losing my mind?

I want you so
It's like I'm losing my mind

Does no one know?
It's like I'm losing my mind

And yesterday that was how I felt, but today is a new day and hopefully my mind will come back to what is right in front of me.

I have a wonderful book called It's OK that you're not OK.  Here is a quote from it:

"The more we speak of the reality of grief, the easier it becomes.  The more people tell the truth about how hard this is - how hard it is to be alive, to love, and to lose - the better this life becomes for everyone.  Even for those who think that grief is a problem to be solved."

So the songs come and go within my soul and I tell the truth about the struggle to live dragging around this big bag of sorrow.  At the same time, I prepare now to go to Camp Christian and share the good news of God's love that is undiminished and bringing hope and healing for everyone - including me.