Gratitude

I am writing this from the computer in the basement and when I am finished I will go upstairs and rest for a while.  That is because I am recovering from minor surgery on Friday.

I have spent this weekend resting from that surgery and overwhelmed with gratitude for the love and care that has been expressed for me.

First of all, Marnie was with me all day at the hospital.  I have been at the hospital alot with people over the years.  Usually I am present as the pastor.  I get to come in, do a little conversation, say a prayer and leave for the most part.  And I always like being able to be present AND to then leave! When Chuck had his surgery, it was different and Kacey and Alyse were with me the whole time - that was pre covid - which seems like a million years ago.  And Ive been with the girls with babies.  This was different.

I had never been the one sitting in the bed, answering the questions - my name, my birthdate, my doctor, what are they going to do.  I had not been the one with the IV.  I have not been the one doing the waiting after the flurry of activity of getting ready and then having someone say - OK - in an hour and a half they will come and get you.  That was different.  And I was grateful as at first I became aware of the tension in my back as I smiled and said - "thank you."  I was grateful for Marnie and the time we spent together talking that eventually gave me a sense of peace and calm.  It would be ok.

I had not been the one wheeled into the operating room ever before either.  That was almost surreal as nurses skillfully move me into another bed and  I am surrounded by masked kind people centered on me..The anesthetist puts  something over my mouth to breathe in.  I barely have time to tell them I feel like I am in Grey's Anatomy because everyone is so attractive.   After three deep breaths I was asleep and the next thing I knew I was in recovery.  

So, it was something I have watched for years and never been the patient.  And it was - not terrible - it was remarkable, memorable, amazing. And thank God - for the most part - it is over.  I wait for my body to rest and heal and recover.  I wait.  Grateful.

My daughters have been in and out for days - bringing me food, doing dishes and laundry, trimming my tree, taking care of Ginger and mostly being companions.  My friends have called and texted.  I have felt surrounded by love.

What I know to be true is this - it is in these times of vulnerability that we are most  blessed.  I have a mantra which is: if you want someone to be your friend, ask them to do you a favor.  I can say it - I can PREACH it - but I still resist. asking for help.  This morning I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I could do the next steps on my own without being vulnerable.  And thankfully, friends have called and reminded me that I can ask for help.  And it is okay to stay home and rest and allow my body to come back to itself following the trauma of surgery.  It is okay to have Kim drive me to get my hair done and it is okay to miss a meeting at church.  

Most of all, my gratitude is for my faith.  Because this surely is a spiritual experience for me.  I chose to have urethral sling surgery because I am serving a church with a number of vital loving people in their 90's who remind me that I may live twenty more years.  And this decision is  about having a better quality of life  and assuming a good, long life.  I have spoken to several women who said - they've been thinking about this too.  Maybe part of the gift of this is showing the way forward for all of us who settle for discomfort instead of taking a risk for freedom.

So, I sit in wonder at all there is to learn in these moments of vulnerability and thank God for God's constant and abiding presence - glimpsed through all the events of these past few days.