They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
between stars - on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer home
To scare myself with my own desert places.
I wrote and talked about the desert of retirement and the confusion of the changes as it involved my ego. And who am I now that I am not a leader? And always the question is - who am I anyway?
Then we learned about the difference between Ego Stories and Soul Stories.
I want to write it here so that I have a record. it was so helpful.
Ego stories are
- stores told for the sake of self promotion, as when we apply for a job
- focus on life's high spots when we have been successful and affirmed
- try to portray us as in control or in charge of our lives
- are often linear stories of continuity and consistency, stories that have a resolution
- are highly crafted stories that leave out important things; may ignore or falsify certain information by "spinning" the facts
- are always told in prose, and sometimes involve numbers
- are stories that do not sustain us in times of suffering
- are stories we tell at a party when someone asks "what do you do?"
"Produce! Get results! Make Money! Make Friends! Make changes! Or you will die of despair! Chuang Tzu
Soul Stores are
- "the story beneath the ego story" the one with the thread of truth running through it
- honor shadow as well as light, suffering as well as gladness
- are often storeis of twists and turns when our best laid plans were undone by the unexpected
- allow us to integrate the fragments with the whole
- are unafraid of change, fear, loss, failure, and shame, or mystery, passion, and ecstasy
- are sometimes told in poetry, music, or art
- are stories that we can hold onto in the hardest of times
- are stories we want the people we love most to know, ones we are most likely to be reliving when we are awake at 3 am or when we die
"joy and sorrow aren't two different feelings for it (soul). It (soul) attends to us only when the two are joined." - Wislawa Szymbarska
So - then we wrote a story two ways - as an ego story and as a soul story. My story was about the death of Chuck and I could not even finish it. In the ego story I was in control, making good decisions and almost heroic. But the soul story was full of confusion and anxiety and sadness.
The whole exercise was profound and enlightening. What I realize is that as I am back in church work, it is easy to get caught up in ego stories. And the truth is that we all bounce around in between ego and soul. What I know to be true is that coming back into ministry at Gender Road feels very different as I am in a subordinate position. It is easier to let go of the ego stories and attend to the soul.
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