`Befriending tension: The way of Henri Nouwen

I write this from Phoenix where I am enjoying my last day with Susan.  I go home tomorrow.,

This weekend we attended a retreat at the Franciscan Renewal Center on befriending tension.  Wil Hernandez, the leader, has written several books on Henri Nouwen and was a really knowledgeable resource for us.

The thesis of the retreat is that we live with tension as part of being human.  We spent Saturday morning wrestling with and reflecting on the tensions that are inward, outward and upward (Godward.)

The inward tension is between our true and false self, our self owning and self giving and our woundedness and healing.  He said that we have  a multiplicity of false selves.  I was struck by this quote: " the brighter the persona, the darker the shadow."  The question is: what is the true self and he was - "A valued, valuing, valuable human made in the image of God."  And he said" only when you know yourself as unconditionally love - that is fully received by God  - can you give gratuitously."
All of which is easy to say and write, but the truth is that if you scratch any one of us, we are usually dealing with our shadow issues of self rejection or self loathing.  And Jesus came - not for the healthy but those who need the doctor - which is the love of God.  Nouwen wrote that "the first step to healing is not a step away from the pain but a step toward it.  "

The second tension we wrestled with was the outward - between solitude and community, compassion and confrontation and presence and absence.  We all live in tension between wanting to be with others and alone  - we lean in one direction or the other.
"Let him who cannot be alone beware of community
Let him who cannot be in community beware of solitude"  Bonhoeffer

Similarly there is a tension between being compassionate and knowing that there is a time to confront others.  And sometimes the confronter does so without compassion.  I learned this term: "Carefronting"  Confronting others with a loving spirit.  Yes, it is a tension knowing when and how.

Finally we have to learn that there are times we are called to the "ministry of absence."  He called it a "creative withdrawal"  where we leave so that the spirit can come.  As a pastor, Nouwen taught me that sometimes the pastor needs to be absent so that the person can have their own encounter with God.  Our compulsive presence (over working) is not always the best thing.  And sometimes in relationships, I have learned that  sometimes I have nothing to offer the other person and I need to get out and allow someone else or just God's healing presence to do what it needs to do.

This is just a brief explanation for the many insights of the weekend and I know that i have much more to ponder and wrestle with.
The last day, he spoke about "befriending" the tension with three guideposts:

1. Learning to subscribe to a "both and" modality.  Learning somehow that there is only one reality and "All is One".  Richard Rohr has written much about the "unitive consciousness" and the fact that "Everything Belongs."
2. Moving closer to the center.  A centered life is one where I realize my solidarity with all human beings.  We have this penchant for division and rejection of self and others.  Somehow, developing a contemplative God centered life helps in this.
3. working toward integration.  This means promoting inclusion over exclusion.  He said "The real essence of inclusivity is to live with the heart of God and together with all people."  For me, the realization was that contemplative practices can help keep me grounded.

We prayer morning and evening and it was very meaningful to me.  I could almost feel these practices open me up.  We sat in silence with these familiar words - "Be still and know that I am God."  I heard them in a new way as the emphasis came to be - not on BE STILL - but the I am God.

God is more than I can imagine and I was reminded that God is always "prevenient" - meaning initiating healing invitations to each and all.


What was most helpful for me this weekend was the realization that we ALL live in tension and that balance is a good idea but only rarely achieved for finite human beings.  Instead, there was  a deepening call to rest in God and rely on God and trust in God as I continue to seek to follow the way of Jesus.

I will end this post with an opening prayer from the retreat that helped me remember who God is:

Ascribe  to the Lord, o mighty ones
Ascribe to the Lord glory and strength
Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name
worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness.