Watching and Waiting

As I sit in my prayer room this morning trying to pray, trying to center myself I realize that what I am doing all the time is this: watching and waiting.

I wrote before about how much I feel like a spectator to this pandemic.  I watch TV and see our president, our governor, political pundits talk about what is happening and what is going to happen.  I can't watch too much because I feel a high level of frustration and helplessness.  There is nothing that I can do to affect much of what is happening.  I can't procure the necessary materials, I can't test new medications, I can't work in the hospital or lab.  I just watch.

The only thing I can do is what I am doing - stay home - shelter in place - so that I don't get infected or spread this virus.  And I do some work, call friends, and wait.

What we all wait for is for things to get worse and then get better.  We have already lost as many people as died in September 11th and now we wait for thousands if not hundreds of thousands of people to die from the corona virus.  We wait for the hospitals - not just in NYC - but here in Columbus to get slammed.  We wait to see more people lose jobs.  We wait for the worst to come.

And we wait for it to get better.  Last night in a worship team meeting we briefly touched on "when we all get back together" and try to imagine what that will be.  We wait for this virus to go through our country and come out on the other side.  Everyone is writing about how this is changing us and when we come back together we will be different.  Of course, we don't even know what that will look like - and how true it is.

I am grateful for my faith and for the anchoring of scripture.  This morning one of the texts was Psalm 143.  I have comfort knowing that these words have spoken to and strengthened people for three thousand years. 
"I remember the days of old,
I think about all your deeds,
I meditate on the works of your hands.
I stretch out my hands to you
My soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, O Lord
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me, or I shall be like those who down to the Pit.
Let me hear of your steadfast love in the morning,
for in  you I put my trust.
Teach me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul."

These words speak to me today.  I want to hear God's voice speaking words of comfort and promise. And I watch for signs of God and wait for a a whispered word  from above.   These are not easy times - even for a woman who is retired and sitting comfortably in her own home.  

This morning in reading Things Hidden by Richard Rohr, he said that the essential human question is: are we related to something infinite or not?  We do not know what is coming next.  We never know, of course, but right now it looks like death and suffering for many people.  I read the Psalms and join is that cloud of  witnesses who  trust that YES God is here working in the midst of this challenging time.

I will end this post with the conclusion of the Psalmist:

Let your good spirit lead me on a level path
For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life.
In your righteousness bring me out of trouble.
In your steadfast love cut off my enemies,
and destroy all my adversaries,
for I am your servant.

Immeasurable Riches

One of the texts of today is Ephesians 2: 1-10 which includes:

 ⁴ But God, who is rich in mercy, out of the great love with which he loved us  even when we were dead through our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ^[a]—by grace you have been saved— ⁶ and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, ⁷ so that in the ages to come he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus


I have always loved the phrase - immeasurable riches.  It conveys the limitless gift of continuing on this journey of seeking to follow Jesus. 

What I am finding is that my life is better when I focus my attention there - on my faith - than on the turmoil and dread that is all around us.  It reminds me of the story of Peter trying to walk on water and the fact that the wind and the waves distracted him from keeping his eyes on Jesus.  When I spend too much time with the wind and the waves - the news reports, Trump press briefings, even Governor Dewine and Amy - I find myself becoming more and more anxious.

Our church seeks always to be a place of love and for the past 2 weeks we working hard at keeping people connected to each other and to our faith.  That work and being around these loving people are for me - immeasurable riches.  More and more I am becoming aware of those who are feeling isolated and finding ways to reach out to them - both at church and in my personal life. 

It is in searching for  ways to express  love that I feel most alive and it is in concentrating on self protection and worry about the unknown future - that I get frozen and paralyzed.

So, this feels like a sermon this morning, but my truth of this morning is there are - even in the midst of a pandemic - immeasurable riches in living out my faith.

I will end with a Blessing by Maxine Shonk

May God receive you in your vulnerability,
in times of limitation may you become susceptible to God's care for you and overcome with God's power in you.
May you open yourself totally to the unconditional love of the God who created you and knows you perfectly in this moment.
In your own needy places may you learn how to be in communion with the vulnerable ones around you.
May the God of Unconditional Love bless you.

Sabbath

I can't believe I have not written since Monday.  I guess that says that I have been busy.  Here is what I have participated in for the last few days
 - 4 zoom Bible studies
 - 3 zoom staff meetings
 - 4 zoom games with my family
 - 1 zoom book study with friends
It's a lot of zooming around and helps this extrovert feel connected to people.

Plus I have walked at three different metro parks in Columbus.  All of this is good for my body and my soul.

Even though I am finding things to do and contribute and ways to get out of the house,, this sheltering in place has been challenging  What I notice is that various emotions bubble beneath the surface.

There is real anxiety about what is coming.  I am particularly concerned for Audrey who works in health care and am aware of how much more she is at risk for getting the virus because of that.

I feel anger and frustration with the political machinations that are going on with this pandemic.  I have identified that I am a spectator in all of this.  I can watch Gov. Cuomo at 11 am and Dewie at 2 and Trump at 6 and learn facts and speculations, but basically I am only watching others make decisions that effect - literally - the world.  All which leads ultimately to a sense of helplessness.

As I posted in another post - there is great sadness about everything.  I am sad when I hear about another person who has lost their job or the exhaustion of those who are on the fronts lines in the hospital and police.  Or another person alone in a nursing home or in surgery.  This is not the way it is supposed to be.

Finally, there is my own grief.  I walked alone one afternoon at Innis Woods and noticed it was packed with families and couples walking and talking and playing together.  As I live alone, I miss the one who talked to me, played upwords, cooked for me and yes - complained to me.  I miss him.

These feelings come and go and lie beneath the surface of the activities of every day. 

+++++++++++++
I started this post two days ago and now on Sunday I finish it.  It is surely a strange time as my days have been both full and empty.  I can write about these darker emotions - and also am experiencing joy and laughter when I play games online with my kids, talk to friends, engage in work at church and just walk outside.   Like everyone, it is a strange and almost indescribable time.

One more thing -  when I talked to Susan recently, she said that her book club complained that no one is reading much.  I have the same issue.  One would think this was a perfect time for curling up with a book, but it is hard to concentrate for so many of us.

My prayer life, too, is somewhat erratic.  I continue to find solace and insight in my little book by Teresa of Avila.  I will end with one of her prayers.

Let nothing, O Lord,

disturb the silence of this night.

Let nothing make me afraid.

Here in the dark

remind me that in order to speak to you

my eternal father 

and to take delight in you,

I have no need to go to heaven

or to speak in a loud voice.

However quietly I speak,

you are so near that you will hear me

I need no wings to go in seartch of you,

but have only to understand

that the quiet of this night

is a place where I can be alone with you

and look upon your presence with me

For if I have you, God

I want for nothing

You alone suffice.

Unseen

      That is the word that came to me this morning as I drove in the rain to the church to pick up a few books.  This covid-19, corona virus, pandemic is caused by a virus that we cannot see.  It is "caught" by a sneexe or cough, or touching a contaminated surface, or close personal contact.  But it cannot be seen.  And I have HEARD about people who were showing no symptoms and tested and found to have it.  It is unseen.  Just the thought of that makes me anxious about what I touch and who is near me.

     And at the same time I think about God and how unseen God  presence is as well.  One of the readings of today's lectionary is Acts 9 and the transformative event when Paul had an encounter with Jesus on the road to Damascus.  The text starts with a description of his "breathing threats and murder" against the disciples.  Then a light from heaven flashed around him and he heard a voice - "Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?"  And he identified himself as Jesus and told Paul to "get up and enter the city and you will be told what to do."  The text tells us that his companions heard the voice but did not see anything.

   This famous exchange changed him completely so that the one who persecuted Christians became one of the forefathers of the church.  A monumental change caused by the unseen but powerful presence of God.

    My faith is believing even when I do not see.  Hebrews 11:1 Now Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

So, I cannot see the virus but I believe that it is here - in the world, in the US, in Columbus.  And I do whatever I can to make sure it is NOT in 1812 white pine court.  I take seriously the risk and TRY  to protect myself.

And more importantly I believe in God's presence, healing and call upon my life.   God has the power to radically change lives - like Paul's and like mine.  Today after I stopped by the church I also did a quick check in on a parishioner of the church who has brain cancer.  I have become close to his mother who is taking care of him night and day.  I felt like the unseen God was guiding me to trust the urging to connect and trust that the unseen virus was not in their home.  I hope so.

I want to end this with the prayer of today by Teresa of Avila.  We are all on a journey against an unseen virus and guided by the unseen God.

MY DAY BEGINS

I think often of st. Paul's words that

"all things are possible with God."

As you set out on your journey

take no notice of the warnings people give you,

or the dangers they suggest.

It is absurd to think

that you can travel alone a road full of bandits

to reach a costly treasure

without running any risks.

The worldly think that happiness consists 

of journeying peacefully through life.

Yet for the sake of making an extra dollar

they will sacrifice their sleep night after night

and leave others with no peace of mind or body.

You are traveling by the royal and safe road

along which our Lord, 

all the elect, and the saints have passed.

Put aside the misgivings

that the world would impose upon you.

Take no notice of public opinion.

This is no time to believe everything you hear.

Be guided only by those who conform their lives

to the will of God.

Try to keep a good conscience.

Practice humility.

Despise the values of the world.

Do these things

and you can be sure

that you are on the right road.

Mantra for today

ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH GOD

Unbearable Sadness

That is part of what we are all feeling these days - if we let ourselves.  Yesterday I spent much of the day in a stupor - not feeling much of anything.  Talked to some people, watched TV, read a little.  Sometimes I don't know exactly what I am doing at all.

Today I read Richard Rohr's email and thought about lamentation.  He wrote we are "stunned, sad and silenced by the tragedy and the absurdity of human events."   I know that as I talk to people we all express our frustration and our dismay  at the events of the past week.  Life as we know it has changed radically for everyone.

This morning I sat and thought about how much sadness there is to these days. I am inconvenienced by this pandemic but so many people are truly suffering.
 - A friend of Audrey's lost his mother this week.  I imagine that she died without her family near as they had to be quarantined.  And, of course, there can be no funeral "celebration of life" or the comfort of friends visiting and hugging during these days of physical distance.  That is the story for everyone who dies of this illness.
 - So many people are losing their jobs right now.  The congress is talking about giving $$ but can't possible pay all the bills.  What must that be like for them?
- I hear of the hard work and frustration of doctors and nurses.  Someone on TV said that in the hospital parking lot are doctors sleeping in their cars because they don't want to go home to infect their children.
 - there are people in nursing homes who cannot see family.  The family worries that without their presence, they will not get adequate care. 
- And then there is just the free floating fear and anxiety that is everywhere.  I keep hearing about how adult children try to convince their older parents to stay inside.  We are more at risk than we want to admit.  Or maybe it is too painful to admit it to ourselves.

One of the texts I read this morning was Luke 22: 42-44

It is Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."  An agnel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him.  And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground."

I think we all join Jesus in the garden - saying take this cup of suffering - (of Covid-19)  away.  I don't know where God's "will" operates in this situation but I trust in God's angels - that will appear and strengthen each of us in our hours of suffering.  That is my faith.

It is easy to pass these days in our own forms of distraction.  But sometimes the best way we can spend this time is in prayer.  Richard Rohr wrote:  "Globally, we're all in this together.  Depth is being forced on us by great suffering, which, as I like to say, always leads to great love."

My prayer is for all of us who are  - as the newscasters keep saying cheerily - " in this together. " These are long days as we live into this new - for now - normal of physical distance.  And these are days of true suffering for too many people in our world..  May we bear witness to their pain and hold them in prayer and - in our own way - be God's angels who do whatever we can do to love and strengthen others.

Here is a blessing by Maxine Shonk

May you be made holy when you become SADDENED by the reality around you.
May you be brought to the realization that God weeps and is troubled when you are troubled,
concerned when you are concerned.
May you realize also that God is compassionate when you are acompassionate
and gentle when you are gentle with the sorrows of another.
May you be blessed in the knowledge that God's presence is experienced through you.
May the God of PROMISE  bless you.

Peregrinatio

I am participating in a 9 day retreat through "Abbey of the Arts" and a new word I learned yesterday was "Peregrinatio."


I looked it up on google to see if it was a real word and it is.  Here is the definition:
"leaving one's homeland and wandering for the love of God. " 

I am in day 5 of "sheltering at home" officially.  Last Thursday I saw my doctor who encouraged me to not put myself at risk - she said that this virus was coming and I needed to take it seriously.  So, I backed out of volunteering at St. Ann's Friday,  going to church Sunday and working the polls Tuesday.  Subsequently, all of these have been cancelled - the volunteer program is on hiatus, the church worship is only open to the few who are putting the service together, the voting did not even happen.  In addition, schools, restaurants, bars, gyms have all closed. .  Everything has  radically changed in a week.

Since Monday I have seen only my daughters in the flesh as they have dropped food off on me.  Is this a "Peregrinatio"  Have I left my homeland of busy activity for the love of God?  My decision to take seriously the dangers has been guided by my faith and  my understanding that I am important to God and need to care about my own health and find ways to serve as I live alone in my home.  And I have found more and more ways to connect and be helpful to others.

But it is a new journey and one without familiar markers.  This morning I listened to a song:
Here are the words
Setting out, no rudder, sails, nor oars
Trusting the current trusting the course
Peregrin
Our hearts are ready for the ride
Our hearts are ready for new life

So as I begin this day, I begin with an understanding that God is in this journey and I cannot know right now how long and where it is going to take me.  I dip in and out of the press conferences of both our Governer and our President.  Invariably the press keeps trying to nail them down to when medicines  and supplies will be available and how long this virus is going to be upending our lives.  And truly I know that no one knows.  We are on a journey here that is unprecedented and while it is important to have accountability, there is so much about this time that is full of not knowing.

But for me, staying in this home that will be mine longer than I had planned, is my Peregrinatio as I trust God to strengthen me and guide me.  The question of today during the retreat is this:
HOW DO I STAY PRESENT IN THE MIDST OF UNKNOWING AND DISCOMFORT?

As always I say this - I'm working on it.  My prayer is that  I might grow and serve during these very strange days.

Here is a wonderful Poem by Denise Levertov

As swimmers dare
to lie face to the sky
and water bears them,
as hawks rest upon air
and air sustains them,
so would I learn to attain
freefall, and float
into Creator Spirit's deep
embrace,
knowing no effort earns
that all-surrounding grace.

Finding a Rhythm,

It seems to me - on day three of being "sheltered in place" - I need to find a rhythm for my days.  Routine always gives me a sense of balance and security and it feels like it is coming.

On my reading by Teresa of Avila today the prayer begins like this:
Our Lord asks but two things of us:
love for God,
and love for our neighbor.
These are the two virtues
that we must strive to obtain.
If we practice them perfectly
we shall be doing the will of God,
and so will find the union we seek.

And the day's mantra:
LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF.

As I seek to find rhythm in a long day, I know that love my neighbor has got to be part of it. What I am missing, of course, is being with people - particularly in the church and getting to do pastoral care.  Now, the contacts  phone call, text and facebook.

I am currently putting together a list of people in our congregation that we want to check in on weekly.  And a list of callers to do the checking in.  I know that I want to be on both lists.  Yesterday I got a text from a neighbor checking in on me.  I realize I am perhaps seen as the "elderly widow" in the neighborhood and the truth is that I was touched to receive the text.  It is so easy in a long day by oneself to feel disconnect and alone.

I read on facebook about the introverts who love being alone.  And in the spiritual circles I travel in, this is described as an opportunity for "retreat."  That is true, for a while.  But at some point, it is really good to be thought of by others, to be reached out to, to be loved by our neighbor.

So, the rhythm of this day will involve busyness and silence, giving and receiving, and time spent with God.  I return again today to Psalm 81
"I am the Lord your God, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt.  Open your mouth and I will fill it."

My prayer is that we may all find the rhythm that we need to give us a sense of peace and order in the midst of this tumultuous time.

May God bless you in your anxiety when the instability invades the day and throws you into moments of uneasiness and agitation.
May God catch you in those moments and carry you back to the center of your soul, the dwelling place of God, where calm and stillness live.
May you find a rhythm in your life of giving and receiving.
May you know the freedom of being known and loved unconditionally.
May the God of love bless you.