Minister of Engagement

That is my title at Gender Road Christian Church  - given to me and I have grown to like it.

Lately I have become more and more aware of the truth of the statement - LIFE IS HARD.  A neighbor of Susan's died this week - a woman who I had come to love and looked forward to seeing when i make my semi annual trips to Phoenix.  And she died alone at home.  And she spent a lot of time alone at home.

And I have become more and more aware of people living alone - very alone - at home.  While I imagine I am busier than most - I still feel pretty alone at home.  So, I am making plans to leave home and move into a retirement community.  Sometime in the next year.  I can still be alone there - but there will be much more community that is available to me on a regular basis.  And I need community.

Which brings me to this interesting supposedly 10 hour a week position that I have - minister of engagement.  It means that every other week I engage with people in two different book groups around the book Everything Belongs.  And it means that I preach once a month and attend worship at least twice a week and it means that I do hospital calls.

This morning I went to OSU and had an interesting conversation with a man who is a church member and patient at the hospital.  Afterward I suggested prayer and he held my hand and he prayed first.  I was so touched by his prayers for his health, his son, our church choir and some people by name.  Then I prayed afterward specifically for him.  It was so fulfilling and strengthening of my faith as I engaged in the deepest kind of intimacy in prayer.

It is very true that LIFE IS HARD.  But it is equally true that GOD IS GOOD.  And loving each of us, always.  whether we know it or not.

Gratitude

It is Monday morning and I leave in an hour to tutor Nimo - this sweet young woman from Somalia who calls me "Teacher.".  I look forward to it.

! had a wonderful - wonder full - weekend..  Friday night Audrey and I did a double header with the Oscar nominated shorts and so we viewed 10 shorts - 5 were live action and 5 were documentary.  They were all powerful and often dark and intense.  And left me much to the think about - the least of which is the gratitude to be born in the USA to Marge and Wayne Gersen.  We saw a film about orphan girls in Guatemala, and refugee children from Syria living in Sweden, and a family in Tunisia. So many hard lives.

Saturday I went to a workshop on focussing and it was inspiring for me in my spiritual direction practice.  I had been to this workshop 2 years ago and appreciated hearing and trying out the practice.  It is hard to describe - but it has to do with paying attention to your body and what your body is telling you.  AND allowing the images to arise and following them to where they lead you..  It is so different to be companioned by someone in this - because it helps to stay with the process and allow it to unfold.  SO....in our practice session I sat with Diane and told her I wanted to deal with all the emotions and issues of the prospect of moving out of my house.  And the image that came to me was a churning, tumultuous sea.  And I found myself on a boat in the chaos.  Then an image of Jesus appeared and he was walking across the water to me.  Then the image shifted and he was in the boat asleep. I have always liked that Biblical story of Jesus who was not afraid of the storms while the disciples thought they were going to die.   And THEN  he stood and said peace - and the wind and the waves calmed.

This was sort of framed - in my mind by my experience years ago of canoeing with Chuck.  He pushed off the canoe with me in the front and jumped in the back and we quickly capsized.  And I was so mad.  I told my spiritual director about this at the time, remarking on how i used to laugh at times like this and now I was so angry.  And she gave me the image I have carried for 25 years - that we live in our lives like we are in a tipsy canoe on a river.  Sometimes it turns over and we can swim and stand and laugh.

All of this gave me a sense of peace about this foray into chaos that is coming for me. Two weeks ago I realized that I want to move out of the house and live with less.  Since that epiphany, I have contacted a realtor, talked to my financial advisor,  found a place I like  and talked to Steve who will do some painting and repairs on the house so I can sell it.  The place I am going has a year long waiting list, so there is no stress about pushing myself on this.  After I sell the house, I can put my furniture into storage and move in with Audrey for a while.  And hopefully, I can be  gentle with myself and trusting of God's presence and not take anything too seriously.

I preached yesterday on the Beattitudes - the BE  Attitudes - about the stance of our life and the way God is trying to transform us from the inside out.  It was well received and I am so comfortable now with this community.

Audrey and I were supposed to go to see a play that i had purchased the tickets for her for Christmas.  She is sick and so I took a nap instead which felt wonderful.  Kacey told me what her doctor told her about the importance of sleep and so I am truly working on it.  Taking melatonin and napping when I need to.

Kacey and I "watched"  the superbowl together.  Which is to say we watched some of the commercials, all of the halftime show and played 4 games of AZUL and ate chip and dips.  It was one of my best superbowls.!

So, a good weekend.  A satisfying weekend.  A blessed weekend

The Wisdom of the Body

! am reading the book The Power of Focusing: A Practical Guide to Emotional Self Healing and it has really been helpful. I was drawn to it because it is being read by the Wellstreams Class where I am a supervisor.

 Focusing is the process of listening to something inside of you that wants to communicate with you.
Today I sat and read two chapters in the book and this is what you are supposed to do when you focus

1. Say hello to the part of your body that wants your attention
2. Find a way - word - to describe the "felt sense" of your body
3. Keep checking in with your body - is this it?  Is there more?
4. Ask: Is it OK just to be with this right now.  Sit with it with "interested curiosity"
5. Try to understand how it feels from its point of view
6. Ask your body how it would feel to be "All OK"
7. Ask your felt sense if it feels OK about stopping for now
8. Make a promise to check back later.

Yesterday as I sat and tried paying attention to my body, I coughed.  And I realized that my throat wanted my attention.  I started a "Reader's and Writer's Salon" which meets monthly.  This is the poem I wrote for the group about that experience.  (it is a pantoum!)

ODE to my THROAT

Over the years you have slowed me down and caused me distress.

There were days  when I could not speak above a whisper

Other times my mouth was so dry that I had to  stop in the middle of a sermon

When I am nervous,  you are dry

There were days when I could not speak above a whisper

 I tire of  coughing, laryngitis,  the constant awareness of a burning tickle

When I am nervous, you are dry

 Is this the place where I hold pain and anxiety?

I tire of  coughing, laryngitis, the constant awareness of a burning tickle

Is this the place where my grief is revealed?

Is this where I hold pain and anxiety? 
 Is the lump in my throat actually my hidden sadness?

Is this the place where my grief is revealed?

I place my hands on my throat chakra

Is the lump in my throat actually my hidden sadness

I ask: what do you want me to know?


 Today I tried this again and found myself drawn to explore the tension in my shoulders.   I am finding this to be helpful and actually  healing.   Oprah said:  "I finally realized that being grateful to my body was key to giving more love to myself."

I am learning that and listening to what my body is trying to tell me.

The Journey

That is my title for the sermon I am going to preach on Sunday.  It will be about the three kings with the concept being that we can learn about the journey of faith in spending time with their journey.

I have preached on this many, many times.  And there is always a lot to chew on - the fact that the journey is in community, the reliance on the star, the gifts that are brought, the joy of finding the Christ child, the warning to return in another way from a dream.

But what is always of singular interest to me is the fact that before the kings (wise men, magi) arrive in Bethlehem they go first to Jerusalem.  Why?  Is it because their assumption that any king, savior, would be born in the place of power?  Is it the lights of Jerusalem attracted them?  Whatever the reason, they encounter Herod and tip him off to the birth of the long awaited Messiah.  And he duplicitously  tells them to report back to him so that he can visit the child too.

When I have preached on this before, I think I have said that this is a confrontation with evil or maybe with "the world."  And that the kings (wise men, magi) now have a choice - who do you trust?  Do you trust the powerful leader of the world who lives with all his trappings of wealth or do you continue to follow the hidden leading of God who guides us with stars and dreams to a baby in a manger of all things.

I write all this because I am appalled, heartbroken, concerned by "our" killing this leader in Iran yesterday.  Our - meaning the Pentagon or the CIA or somebody sent by our president. There will be a response of course - which will be violent and destructive.  And so it will continue.  This is the way of the world.

And I wonder what is the way of Jesus in all this.  With the impeachment, I had this sense that events are happening like a football game.  And I can watch the spectacle, but I am not on the field.  And whether I watch or not - someone will win and someone will lose.  Whatever will happen will happen.  I have the same sense with what just happened with Iran.  I can watch and pay attention or not.  I have no power here and whatever is going to happen will happen.

And I wonder what is the way of Jesus in all this.  What is the journey for each of us as we become aware of  and less and less comfortable with the division, hate, violence, acts of war. . And I wonder if we are as powerless as I feel right now?

Or can the Kings (wise men, magi) be a model.  To keep looking for the hidden, subversive presence of God in out of the way places.  And to pay attention that I do not feed into the power hungry, death dealing values of the world.

And to do that most radical act - Pray.


Here is a Prayer by Walter Brueggemann

When the World Spins Crazy
By Walter Brueggemann

When the world spins crazy,
spins wild and out of control
spins toward rage and hate and violence,
spins beyond our wisdom and nearly beyond our faith,
When the world spins in chaos as it does now among us…

We are glad for sobering roots that provide ballast in the storm.
So we thank you for our rootage in communities of faith,
for our many fathers and mothers who have believed and trusted as firm witnesses to us,
for their many stories of wonder, awe, and healing.

We are glad this night in this company
for the rootage of the text,
for the daring testimony,
for its deep commands,
for its exuberant tales.
Because we know that as we probe deep into this text…
clear to its bottom,
we will find you hiding there,
we will find you showing yourself there,
speaking as you do,
governing,
healing,
judging.

And when we meet you hiddenly,
we find the spin not so unnerving,
because from you the world again has a chance
for life and sense and wholeness.
We pray midst the spinning, not yet unnerved,
but waiting and watching and listening,
for you are the truth that contains all our spin. Amen.

From Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth: Prayers of Walter Brueggemann. Prayed at the Lay School of the Pentateuch on September 17, 2001.

After Christmas Wonder

It is saturday morning and I got up at five.  Christmas is officially over for me - I had the kids here last night and my house has all the remains of the meal and the gifts and the games.

Today I have nothing on my calendar but writing a sermon called "Mary Pondered."  Basically what I want to write about is the "After Christmas pondering and wondering about what God has done.
And the looking ahead to what this year with Jesus is going to bring.

So here I am doing it myself.  Christmas was really perfect for me.  Christmas Eve day I felt sad and at the Christmas Eve Eve service I really dipped down into the grief of the Holy Night from last year.  It was the holy night of watching Chuck leave this earth.  Holy.

And then Christmas Eve I read the familiar words of the nativity twice more at the service and then just entered into the fun of the season.  I felt very loved and supported by my whole family.  Christmas Eve dinner with having Erik make such a special meal meant everything to me.;  And Christmas morning with the Powells was comfortable and just special.

Our movie on Christmas day was not the greatest - Uncut Gems with Adam Sandler.  It was a nerve jangling ride and I kept thinking at the time - this is not a Christmas day movie.  However, I find myself still thinking about it afterward.

Then last night was just so much fun with the kids all coming over.  I planned it for 4:30 but Alyse and Kacey wanted to come over early and play games and I invited the others and all the girls were here by 4 and we were playing games and eating lots of food.  We had our dinner and then got into the business of the gifts.  The girls give each other such funny presents (like Kacey giving Marnie and Erik matching aprons with the picture of a bikinied woman on hers and a body builder on his)
I am going to an Office parody with Kacey, a young frankenstein play with Marnie and something called "Who lost my fucking hat?" with Audrey.  The teeneagers all buy presents for each other and me and it is just plain heartwarming to watch their interest in each other and generosity.  We all played Christmas charades and it was especially fun watching Maggie. Afterward Kacey, Alyse, Audrey., Jackson, Ephrata stayed and played games with me until 11 pm.  They went home to go to Dayton tomorrow for another Christmas with their Aunt Pattie and the Connor side.
I am happily done.

I have been listening to Elizabeth Gilberts "City of Girls" for the last 4 days and just now finished it.  It was a nice backdrop to this week.  I think you read it - but it really was the story of an older woman who has come to peace about her life and her acceptance of the dark sides of self and others. I could identify with it and really enjoyed the story telling.

There have been such moments of joy this week and wonder at the gift of love in my life.  I may not have a man who is a partner anymore - but I have so many people who care about me.  It is all gift.

And when it is all said and done - as trite as it is - I come away pondering and wondering at the blessing of receiving and giving love.  That is what this week has been.

Looking ahead to 2020 and what is next for m

Christmas Eve

So a year ago I drove to the care center and sat with Chuck for a couple of hours.  Then Marsha and John came and then Sandy and then Melanie.  And then I returned with Audrey and sat there with him - with Melanie and Erin until he died.  I held his hand at the end and prayed that "all will be well" and "it is all good" and he passed away.  That phrase - "passed away" really does describe it.

 Its funny that as I wrote about last year my first thought was - why didn't I stay the whole day with Chuck.  It was my last day with him.  And the answer is that I did not know that.  I thought this was going to go on for a while.  I was tired and others encouraged me to take a break. And I will always be grateful to my friends who sat with him on that last day.


Last night we had our first Christmas Eve service - actually a Christmas Eve Eve.  I was so touched by the familiar readings - some of which I read for the 60 some people who gathered at the church.  The music was haunting and familiar and holy.  It was O Holy Night that almost did me in.  It has always been my favorite Christmas Eve song and every church I have been in has included it.

This time it was a violin and guitar duet and it was soulful and soaring. .  Unfortunately I was sitting in front of the church trying to control my emotions the whole time.  All I could think of was the Holy Night of Christmas Eve last year as I sat with Chuck.  It was overwhelming.


I am reading scripture for 2 out of the 3 services today.  I decided that after I read I will go sit in the congregation so that if the tears come again I can allow them.

Christ came into this world as a baby - and represents for me the vulnerability of love.  It was a Holy Night that happened because a young woman said YES to an angel and assented to allowing her body and her life to be changed and used by God.  And the baby came and showed us what love is. And represents "incarnation"  - God is with us even in the darkness.

On Christmas Eve I feel the blessing and the grief of love and believe that Jesus is here with me. 

The Gift of Music

For the last two days music has touched my soul.

Saturday I went - with Audrey, my granddaughter Alyse and her boyfriend Ephrata - to a Beatles marathon.  It is an annual 12 hour concert where these musicians play every song the Beatles wrote in order.  It starts and noon and ends at midnight.  We were there for about three hours - from 12:30 to 3:30.  And it was so much fun.

First, it took me back 50 years to when I was a teenager and loved the Beatles.  I still remember leaving Youth Fellowship with a gang of kids and going to our basement to watch the Beatles on Ed Sullivan.  It was truly the music of my youth.  As I listened Saturday I found I knew so many songs and the words just came.  The funny part was that Ephrata - whose parents are from Ethiopia - is a young Beatles lover and like me he knew many many songs.  We stood on the sidelines of a packed dance floor and moved to the music, sang along and were entertained by the various musicians who played.  It was fun, fun, fun.  I don't usually go to concerts and I experienced the music just letting me let go and laugh and sing.  It was great!!!!

Sunday we had a church cantata and I was absolutely affected by this music as well.  It was about, of course, the birth of Jesus and it expressed the truth that Jesus came for the broken and the lost.  One of the songs brought me to tears and then we had communion.  It was so powerful for me.

There is something about music - playing it, singing it, hearing it and moving to it that really touches our souls.  I look forward to the Christmas Eve services and the familiar carols and gift that the music will bring.