Morning Ponderings

I am still reflecting on the many lectures I attended  at the “Virginia Festival of the Book”.  The very first talk we went to included the author of a book called Two Charlestonians.  It traced the life of two Charleston natives born a mile apart.” Captain Thomas Pinckney and Sergeant Joseph Humphries Barquet.  One was a white rice planter and scion of America’s founding families and the other was a free man of color and a brick mason.  One joined the confederacy in order to maintain his way of life and the other joined the union to bring freedom for those who were enslaved. I found myself thinking about the whole idea of being born  “on the wrong side of history”  -  and in this case it was being born a slaveholder.  The premise of their lives -the lens through which they viewed themselves and the world -  was white supremacy.  It was taken for granted.

At the same time I am now slowly reading  Stepping our of Self Deception  and was stopped in my tracks by these sentences:

Our personal tale with its conflict, pain, drama and momentum is predicated on the single untested and unquestioned belief that “I” exist.  Any student of logic will tell us, if the premise of the story is wrong then everything built upon that premise is incorrect.”

And I wonder about many things. I wonder how  I ––born  100 years after the civil war, after decades of Jim Crow, as  the civil rights laws were enacted -  still am affected by the premise of white supremacy.  I grew up in the north in the fifties and the sixties and certainly lived in white privilege.  Of course, I didn’t understand it or recognize it for years, but that was my reality.

And racism is only part of our story.  I was  born into a culture of rating and ranking and the implicit understanding that some were better than others.  Those who are more important might be  smarter, faster,  prettier, more famous, more powerful,  and have the most money.   We may not live with a caste system like India or the aristocracatic rules of the British monarchy but I wonder how much  of the  unconscious premise of our lives is affected by a sense of worthiness based on external achievement and attributes.   And unconscious is the operative word.

It seems to me that the spiritual work that we are called to  is to discover the premise and to remove the  lenses that distort our understanding of ourselves, others and life itself.   When we say we are followers of Jesus,  we are living in a new premise  – that every person is of equal value, that we are loved as we are and called into a deeper relationship with the God of love. It is a journey of receiving grace so that we can face every part of ourselves and allow God to guide us into wholeness.  It really is a movement away from judgment and division into love and grace.  

So, here are the questions of this morning:

What is the premise that I am operating under

             Is it that I must earn my way

         Is it that I am a victim

         Is it that I am special in a way that others are not

         Is it that I am gifted

         Is it that I am flawed

          Is it that I am called

          Is it that I am insignificant

           Is it that I am world changing

           Is it that I am inadequate

           Is it that I am blessed

           Is it that I am growing

What is the premise of my life?

Here is a wonderful blessing that is appropriate to these musings:

May the God of TRUTH be with you,

enlightinging your heart, clearning your vision,

calling you beyond yourself,

and gently leading you to the truth at the heart of your being.

May fidelity to this TRUTH be your gift to others and the source of your own peace.

May the blessing of TRUTH be with you. 

Amen

Journal Notes

I have kept journals for decades and have most of them still.  They are collected in the basement in a big box, in shelves in a closet and the most recent ones in a corner of the prayer room.  Not all of them are finished - sometimes I start and after a couple of weeks stop and then never go back to it.
And when I return to journal writing, I need to buy a new one.

Yesterday I finished a journal and started a new one.  I spent some time perusing the book which is more than just my own morning musings.  I have been taking a "women writing for a change class" and there are "fast writes from that" and also have been to some workshops and a class on Diamond Heart and there are notes from that.  I also recorded thoughts from readings about supervising spiritual directors. It is generally a record of what has been going on and seemed important to me for the last three months.

So, I thought I write here twelve of  the key quotes and thoughts before I relegate this journal to a box.
1. "Prayer is not gritting your teeth, but falling in love."

2. I reflected on "hyper awareness."  I enjoy watching "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee" by Jerry Seinfeld and Sarah Jessica Parker mentioned to him that she was like him - hyper aware.  That is, a life of noticing the little things and for Jerry it is about finding the humor, the joke, the bit in what is going on in daily life.  My reflection is that as people who take seriously the spiritual journey - our hyper awareness ( as opposed to unconsciousness) is about seeing the signs of God's activity.  It makes life much more interesting and alive.

3. I have been carrying a wrapper from a piece of Dove Chocolate which says "Be proud of your age."  I felt like it was a divine message as that number keeps getting bigger. (part of my hyper awareness)

4. Quote from Diamond Heart - "You are either filing a hole or tolerating a hole"  And the invitation is to inquire about and explore the hole.

5. Quote from Diamond Heart - "Essense is the elixer of enlightenment, the golden thread in everything"

6. Quote from Diamond Heart - With holes - you either experience them or act from its deficiency.

7. My own reflection - when Jesus was in the wilderness, it was a time of exploration of hole.

8. Random quote "you are alive today because the universe wants you to be alive"

9. The journey - seeing beyond the surface to the depth of being

10. In spiritual direction (and in life) - those who are coming to us are not problems to be solved but mysteries to be plumbed.

11. Responsibe listening is "a long loving look at the real."

12. Most dissastisfaction comes from not being ourselves.
Thomas Merton: "How much false self are you willing to shed to get to your true self?"

I will end this post with a poem I really like that somehow speaks to this time in my life

"The Way It Is."

There's a thread you follow. It goes among
things that change. But it doesn't change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can't get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time's unfolding.
You don't ever let go of the thread.

William Stafford

The Inner Journey

This inner journey is one that  I undertake in fits and starts
   or beginnings and beginning again
      and then stopping
      resisting
      ignoring the voice
      getting distracted
      numbing
      avoiding


And so today is a new start - a fresh start - again
                    again
                                again

This inner journey requires devotion
    that is,  devoted time to waiting and emptying by
       sitting
          listening
              writing
                 reading
                    praying
                         living       mindfully, awake, aware

This inner journey is helped by friends who companion
    and care
         for me
              and for the journey
Friends who model and share 
    their insights and discoveries
       and confusion and lostness
           and  love and loyalty

This inner journey seems vague and ephemeral at times

And yet as I allow myself time for reflection
     in   solitude
            with   study
               enjoying   art and beauty
                   giving   service
                        supported  by  community

Something does start to shift
     there is a change in my body as I begin to let go
     there is a change in my spirit as I become more patient and kind
     there is a change in my visage as the peace comes

There is a slowing down, a deep breathing, a far and close seeing  that emerge

And I begin to see and savor the wonder and mystery of life,  love and even me.

The inner journey brings  words that resonate within me:
      peace         silence          hidden            treasure             grace

Today as I sit with God at the beginning of the day, I hear a voice saying:
                                  "Stay here              Let me love you"


             

God is Not Done

With me. With us.  With God's creation

I ponder that this morning as I read today's scriptures and Richard Rohr's meditation and reflect on my life.

God is never done with me, with us, with God's creation.

The scriptures today include the story of Sarai, Abram and Hagar.  The first thing I noticed was the names - not Sarah and Abraham - but Sarai and Abram.  They are still just in the begining part of this journey.  They hear the promise of God's blessing - glorious impossible promise of a baby - and don't quite trust it.  They manage and maneuver on their own to make something happen now.  So, Sarai brings her handmaiden Hagar to Abram and he impregnates her.  And this brings out the worst in everyone - Abraham seems weak and deflecting responsibility, Hagar becomes taunting and cruel, Sarai is vindictive and cruel.

The accompanying scripture from Romans makes clear that this is not a story about the people - but about God and God's trustworthiness.  Hagar is banished and yet protected by God and her son Ishmael is the forefather of the Muslim religion.  Sarai does conceive and her child carries the promise of the Judeo Christian religion.

In Romans Paul writes (Romans 4: 1-12 - the Message)  "Abraham is father of all people who embrace what God does for them while they are still on the "outs."  "  He is "willing to live in the risky faith embrace."

I love this picture of Abram and Sarai because I - like them at times - trust but don't trust in God's work in my life.  There are times when I am waiting, waiting, waiting that I try to make something happen on my own.  And yet God is ultimately faithful.  God is never done with me, with us, with God's creation.

We have an ever creating God in an evercreating universe.  Richard Rohr writes:"Creativity itself is what is evolving in the cosmos, and we are the growing edge..."  He writes this has 2 effects
1. it makes the whole thing intensely meaningful.
2. we bear some responsibility.  we have to take part in the work.

And so today  - even though I see the pain and suffering and evil that is present in our world - I remember that God is not done.  I am called to bring light, hope, healing and love in my small way to my little corner of the world.  And trust. as I enter into that risky faith embrace.

PS - as addendum to this:  an hour after I wrote this, I went to Reagan's high school to drop off some clothes she needed.  As I stood outside the school waiting to be buzzed in - I watched them go on lockdown.  There is a juvenile with a gun in the area.  There are so many ways that we can feel like we are in the dark .......

Sitting with all of it

Today is the second day of Lent and I sit with all of it:
 - the blessings and the curses
 - the hope and the despair
 - the life and the death
 - the goodness and the corruption
 - the joy and the sorrow

I sit with the horror of another mass shooting, another school shooting.
I listened this morning to a reporter asking the school superintendent how he was going to lead through the coming days of 17 funerals and it just makes me weep.  I cannot imagine the long term effects of this shooting in the lives of the student,s teachers, parent, community.

And I ponder again the mystery of mental illness and the terrible isolation of so many lives.

I consider again this often violent, sexualized, dehumanizing culture that we live in and then I think about the frustrating, confounding topic of gun control.  I keep learning about the hold that the NRA has on the law makers who could make some changes in background checks and the availability of assault rifles.  And I think surely something can be done.  Surely.

And then I come back to the peace of my life.  I grieve at a distance and feel frustrated, powerless and angry.

This morning I read the daily scriptures and was struck by these verses from 1 John

 This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light and in him there is no darkness at all.
 If we say that we have fellowship with him while we are walking in darkness, we lie and do not do what is true; but if we walk in the light as he himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 
If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 
If we confess our sins, he who is faithful and just will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

And so I confess today - that I have often see evil and accepted it as I live in my own bubble and tell myself there is nothing I can do.
I confess today my indifference, complacency and sloth.

And will take a step today into action - not just thoughts, prayers and facebook posts.  Letters will be written and my congress people will be urged to do something to bring change.  And I am open to other actions that will be revealed to me in this journey.

This seems like a good step during Lent

Ash Wednesday

I am sitting in a beauty salon with my hair full of dye and it is " processing" and so am I.  Processing the beginning of this holy season of preparation.

The processing on my hair will take 45 minutes and the processing of my life's journey and purpose is truly eternal.

I got an email from Susan suggesting we blog together for the next 40 days and I am definitely interested. Interested in what will transpire. In how God is working in my life still. The processing is never never over.

I began this day with the scriptures in the daily lectionary. Most are very familiar: create in me a new heart" and pray in private, etc. what struck me this morning was this verse from Isaiah:
If you remove the yoke from among you,
 the pointing of the finger, the speaking of evil,
if you offer your food to the hungry
 and satisfy the needs of the afflicted,
then your light shall rise in the darkness
 and your gloom be like the noonday

There is a yoke that i am so used to that I don't even recognize it at times: the yoke of judgment, evaluation, criticism. Pointing fingers" it causes so much heaviness between people, it sullied my soul, it leads to depression and inner and outer conflict.

As I read these texts today, I was struck by the descriptions of God in Joel:
Return to the Lord, your God,
 for he is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love,
 and relents from punishing


So maybe as I begin Lent , as I tonight receive the ashes on my forehead, my first practice might be to remove the yolk of finger pointing and receive and try to model the grace, mercy, and steadfast love of God.

That might be a very good first step