Sunday night after a hard week

I kept wanting to write this week but somehow just didn't feel like it.  It has been a hard week in a lot of ways.

First of all, I finally bit the bullet and sold my soul - my old cream soul that became Chuck's car - to the dealership and shifted from leasing the red soul to buying.  Which is a big decision but it was time.  We have been juggling three cars and I have been paying insurance and it needed to happen.  I cleaned out the old car and found a lot of Chuck stuff - coupons, lots of maps, magnifying glasses (to read the maps), two pen knives and glasses.  It was all Chuck and it made me cry.

Then I decided to switch internet and cable providers and was really really really disappointed in the service.  They now mail to us the modem and expect us to install it ourselves.  I felt completely incompetent and confused and could not figure it out.  Thankfully, Audrey came home and within 5 minutes had the job mastered.  However, I did not need one more reminder that I am aging and out of the loop.

Then the equipment for the TV did not come.  And still - as I write this - we wait for an apple stick.  It has been 7 days since I ordered it.  What I learned (but actually knew already) is the the TV is really good for numbing hard feelings and I couldn't do that without MSNBC or CBS or Grey's Anatomy.  You get the picture. 

On Wednesday one of the neighbors brought me this picture of Chuck holding her daughters hand and I just about burst into tears. It is spring and we have lots of kids now riding bikes in our cul de sac and all I can think is how much Chuck would have enjoyed them. We need to buy some popsicles so that we can hand them out like he did.

I saw Lisa, Chuck's daughter and we went through files and cookbooks and pictures which is nice and still hard.  Chuck's grandson Shane came and I gave him some of Chuck's ashes to take to Canada when he goes on a fishing trip in June.  He shared his memories which are sweet and wonderful.  We also spent some time in the basement and I showed him the clothes, fishing equipment and tools that are there.  He suggested that I get a dumpster this summer and he would help me sort through everything.  It is overwhelming to consider all that needs to be done.

Finally, we now have a leak under the sink and tomorrow I call the plumber.  Again and again, I bump up against the many ways in which Chuck took care of me and the house and it all leaves me feeling sad and unsettled.  But that really is the journey.

I went to church today and the minister preaching on living in the dark and ended with a quote from Simon and Garfunkle.  "Hello Darkness my old friend.  I've come to talk to you again."

That is some of what this week brought.

AND - there is always an and - there has been light and new life.  The daffodils are blooming, visits from Lisa, Shane, Brittany, Rachel and Brad were also fun and full of laughter.  My daughters continue to support me in every way they can.  And I even spent Saturday with a wonderful bunch of young adults from Camp Christian teaching them about the "Enneagram."  My life has moments that are hard and sad, to be sure - but the days are warmer and longer and new life is emerging.