Sifting and Sorting

     There is a light in the tunnel and I am so grateful.  Suddenly I find myself wanting to be done with the clutter.  And the clutter is everything - LOTS of Chuck stuff in the basement and garage, papers that keep accumulating - bills, tax papers, sermons, and folders.  I want order in the chaos.  And besides that I find myself noticing how many dishes I have that I  don't need, how many books, how many candles, crosses, angels.  I want less.

    The biggest part is the Chuck stuff and it has seemed overwhelming.  Chuck's friend Rod told me that he would take whatever I wanted to give him and try to sell it and if it doesn't sell, he would get rid of it.  Sharne, Chuck's grandson, suggested that he could come this summer for a couple of days and we would rent a dumpster and take care of everything.

    I was reminded of when my grandmother died.  She was 102 years old and lived in a retirement community and essentially was down to one room.  She still had her furniture which included a secretary (which I now have in my living room) and a cabinet.  She still was able to have a fair amount of "stuff."  I was the first grandchild on the scene and in that space with my Mother and Aunt Shirley - grandma's daughters - and my Dad.  I distinctly remember sitting there with the two sisters while my dad took a black trash bag and just started filling it with her belongings.  We all suddenly were aware of what he was doing and stopped him.  It was a small space and there really was no ruch and we took the time to go over everything and make decisions.  My grandma was an artist and he had obliviously already put one of her sketch pads in the trash.  We recovered it and I have a picture of me from that tablet framed and in my home.  It was a very special afternoon for me as I sat with these women and went through her belongings.

    Yesterday I spent a couple of hours in the basement and began the sorting and sifting process with Chuck's stuff and found myself more at peace with the whole thing.  There are categories in the basement:  fishing gear, painting paraphernalia, cleaning products, kitchen items and  building tools.
Yesterday I got everything organized into different parts of the basement.  I threw out the obvious broken items and trash and felt like I am beginning to get a handle on this.

What surprised me was that I did not find myself angry or resentful at this task.  It feels like there ahs been a movement from being overwhelming to manageable to a gift.  I found myself remembering events as in our lives as I sifted and sorted through everything.  We have more cleaning products than I will use ever.  He would go to estate sales and be so pleased that he bought a box that contained furniture, brass and silver polish for one dollar!  We have lots of cans of spray enamel paint - which were either used on a project or bought for an idea that did not become a reality.  He has probably 25 hammers, 100 screw drivers and drills and sanders and grinders.  They were either bought on sale or bought because he could not find what he needed in the moment.

All of it reminds me of his creativity, his curiosity and his chaos.  It is all a reflection of him and a reminder of the gift of living with him.. It is sifting and sorting through memories for me - that remind me of how stubborn he could be, how creative he was and how much fun we had together.

My home has changed over the past four months gradually as it is becoming more me and less we. And I can see now that this process - slow and steady - is ultimately good for my soul and leading me into something new.