Is it acid reflux that reminds me of what I shouldn't have eaten last night
Is it God calling in the night
Is it just one of those things
I feel like I bounce around in my head at times wondering what is important and what is not?
wondering what is a sign and what is just something that is happening
what is an invitation and what is an incident.
and waking up at 4:30 in the morning is just another example of that for me.
So I turned this morning - since i am up - to one of the scriptures of today:
1 Corinthians 2:12-16
Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit that is from God, so that we may understand the gifts bestowed on us by God.
And we speak of these things in words not taught by human wisdom but taught by the Spirit, interpreting spiritual things to those who are spiritual.
Those who are unspiritual do not receive the gifts of God's Spirit, for they are foolishness to them, and they are unable to understand them because they are spiritually discerned.
Those who are spiritual discern all things, and they are themselves subject to no one else's scrutiny. “For who has known the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ.
What I know is that there are times for me in which it was really clear and I actually did discern God's presence and movement. And then there are times like this when I live in that place of questions, doubt and still faith. Wanting to be taught by the spirit and to have the mind of Christ.
and trusting that even in this moment of confusion God is still with me and loving me as I struggle with all kinds of forms of resistance in the midst of a real desire to live in the spirit.
I have been slowly reading The Grace in Aging: Awaken as you Grow Older and want to be walking what the author Kathleen Singh calls "The Noble Path." She writes
"It is an incredible moment in the life of a human being, a turning point of boundless impoertance, when the percentages of the wish to awaken and the wish to continue sleepwalking shirt from fifty/fifty to fifty-one/fourthy-nine. May we all reach the point where, as Anais Nin put it: "the risk to remain tight in the bud was more panful than the risk it took to blossom." At that point we enter a noble path.
I think I am on that path - and unfortunately it leads me into times like this - of looking, listening, wondering and trusting that in the midst of every moment God is here and inviting us to stretch ourselves to grow and wake up and be alive.
Even at 4:30 in the morning.