Monday, February 6, 2012

I Am

This is the title of a documentary I watched Saturday evening. I had first heard about this watching Oprah - a documentary by a successful and very rich movie director, Tom Shadyac. He had an accident and had post concussive symptoms that were truly life changing - making him face his own death. He found himself asking the big questions: what is wrong with the world and what can we do to change it?

The title of the documentary - quotes GK Chesterton whose answer to "what's wrong with the world was "I am." And that is certainly what I cam away with grappling with. He says that this is a documentary about mental illness and eventually what is revealed is the mental illness of our culture - that says we need more than we do. I am not going to go into the documentaries many ideas except to recommend it.

What was particularly interesting to me on Saturday was that I was watching it after I had spent time at the mall - something I rarely do - but I had a Macy's gift card and I wanted to buy myself some tops to wear for the upcoming conference and cruise. Shopping for me is often anything but fun. I have described shopping as a lot of ways to be wrong. Which means that I often feel almost disoriented when I find myself in a department store. i don't know what department to shop in - I know I am not a junior, am I a woman, do I want sportswear, casual clothes, name brand.
I have bought clothes and been told they were too old for me and others that were too young?

Another problem I have - and it is a big one - is that styles do change I just don;t know what works for me. So, I am always looking to buy something that looks like something I already have. In fact, when I returned home with my purchases Chuck said - "they look like you" guilty as charged

I also don't get a thrill from buying things - in fact, I can go into "buyer's remorse" as I am writing the check (yes, I still write checks!) at the cash register.

So then I go home from this chore of shopping and watch a documentary that reminds me that this is nothing that feeds my soul. And it only brings out my insecurities and makes me a little crazy.

What is wrong with the world - I am - when I am accumulating beyond my needs. Give me a good book, give me a walk in the woods, give me words with friends

But no more shopping. For a while.

This is not exactly a spiritual offering today - but confession is good for the soul.
Lord, have mercy on me.

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