Looking into the Abyss

This is the follow up to a post on sin.  At some point you really do have to go there - to the abyss.
I have a feeling that there is no way that you can take your own sin seriously and not spend time looking in darkness and confusion.

That is the way I felt this morning as I came to prayer.  When I eventually came to prayer.  Part of what has happened to me this week is a whole lot of resistance and avoidance because - really - who wants to think about your own personal sin?  Not me. 

There is a prayer by Evelyn Underhill:
"Jesus show me what the attachments and cravings are which hold me down below your level of self surrender, real love.  Show me the things that lumber up in my hearts so that it cannot be filled with your life and power."   When God shows those things to you it is not easy.  Sometimes it can lead us to the Abyss.

Anyway, I finally got there and found myself looking in.  And this is how I would describe it - it is looking into the darkest place and facing the uncertain future.  It is looking within and seeing that great divide between who I want to be (and sometimes pretend to be) and who I am.

When I concluded the Wellstreams program I "wrote a book" called Becoming a Contemplative Pastor and in it I wrote about the Abyss.  I quoted one of my favorite writings that starts like this

I have decided for life
I have decided to grow
to do more than survive
to grow through the fog to the sun
that attractive star.

One of the stanzas is
"I have decided to take my chances with the abyss
to weather the painful in-betweens
to wake in my own blood
to mourn my lost innocence in the process of growth 
because all growth has as its heartflower
pain in its endless variations
and its petals are the many colors of suffering."

This morning I looked down into the fog and into the darkness of myself and there was - for me -
a light.  It was Jesus.  And  it was as if he was patting the ground beside him and inviting me down, smiling and saying: I am here to be with you.

And so, this journey inward is not always easy.  But I keep learning to hang in there, to pay attention and trust that I can sit with Him - in his light - safe, loved, forgiven, blessed.

May I remember this day.

Dealing with Sin

That's what I have been doing for the last two weeks in my "Retreat in Daily Life"
And of course, that's what I have been doing for my whole life.  We all do.

Last week the topic was "The Disorder of Sin - Appalling Rebellion." The retreat guide says:
 Why do we go here this week? We want to see, to taste, what sin is — an appalling rebellion against God. This is not to look at some vague sense of social evil, without any responsible villains. Our intention is to spend this week more consciously aware of the sheer arrogance and outrageous opposition to God’s grace that exists in our world. 

And so as I spent time  reflecting on the way in which we hurt each other and the earth, I found myself reading the newspaper and watching TV news in a different way.  One image that struck me - and many, many people - was the school officer who forcibly dragged a student out of the classroom. And my thought was that this was "sin" in response to "sin." The student's disrespect touched something in him that led to this overreaction.  And then surely this young woman's behavior probably reflected the "sin" of her life.  I know it is not a new idea that our thoughts and actions are often in reaction to events in our lives.  And it all can go back generations.

What I found myself recognizing was that looking back in history or in this day and age we see violence, inhumanity, injustice, abuse, greed and lust for power.  That is almost the backdrop to our lives that "is what it is." We get so used to it.  And that was last week.

This week, we are looking at our own lives and our own personal sin.  Here are some of the questions I have spent time with

What have I done? What have I failed to do? Habitually? Almost instinctively? At each stage of my life? When, through­out my life, to this very day, have I acted independently of God? When did I make up my own rules? How have I been dishonest — to others, to myself? When was I cruel or abusive? Lustful and greedy in my desires for power, control, consump­tion, self-gratification? To what degree have I rationalized and made excuses? How have I let my heart become cool to God and to others? 

This is really heavy stuff and it has been daunting to look back through my own life and see choices I have made that have led me away from God, away from others and from my best self. You cannot start a retreat with these questions - it is only in the context of knowing and resting in our loving God that we have the courage to really look back.  And explore God's presence in every moment of our lives.

It has been illuminating and ultimately life giving.  Because of my faith and my experience of God's love through it all. There is a famous sermon  by Jonathon Edwards called "Sinners in the hands of an angry God."  And I reject that entirely.  What I keep learning in a more real and deeper way is that I am - and we are - sinners in the hands of a loving and gracious God.  That is what I see every time I go back to the cross and the eyes of Jesus who said, "Father Forgive them, they know not what they do."  

When you are a pastor, people want to put you up on a pedestal as if you have "conquered" sin and now are able to live this perfect and peaceful life.  The truth is that our "conquering" sin is really about seeing it, confessing it and trusting in God's grace and mercy.   I come as I am broken, wounded, wounding, unconscious, hypocritical, rebellious, faithful, caring, critical, gifted and loved and continue to marvel at our God who offers grace and mercy to me and to all.

Here is a prayer that has been prayed by the faithful for centuries.  It speaks to me today.

Father of mercy,
like the prodigal son
I return to you and say:
"I have sinned against you
and am no longer worthy to be called your son."
Christ Jesus, Savior of the world,
I pray with the repentant thief
to whom you promised Paradise:
"Lord, remember me in your kingdom."
Holy Spirit, fountain of love,
I call on you with trust:
"Purify my heart,
and help me to walk as a child of light."
 
 Lord Jesus,
you opened the eyes of the blind,
healed the sick,
forgave the sinful woman,
and after Peter's denial confirmed him in your love.
Listen to my prayer:
forgive all my sins,
renew your love in my heart,
help me to live in perfect unity with my fellow Christians
that I may proclaim your saving power to all the world.
 
 Lord Jesus, Son of God,
have mercy on me, a sinner.

 Prayer of the Penitent, The Rite of the Sacrament of Reconciliation

 

Food for Thought

Saturday morning I helped to organize an "Inservice" for spiritual directors which I continue to think about.  There were so many parts of the time that I continue to ponder.

We began with a time of prayer and reflection on this quotation from Howard Thurman.

There is in everyone that which waits and listens
To hear the genuine in himself
To hear the genuine in another, too
How is it with you
Are you able to hear the genuine in another
If not, then you must do all you can
To remove whatever it is that prevents your hearing it
For if you cannot hear it in another, you will not hear it in yourself

Howard Thurman

And we began with the question of what it is that prevents our hearing the genuine in another?  or in ourselves?  And there is so many different answers.  It is so easy to be busy, distracted, full of ourselves, and on some level afraid to really listen.  

Then we watched a video of a talk by Brian McDermott titled "Contemplative Experience in Spiritual Direction."  Here are some of his thoughts that struck me.

1. In the past 25 years there have been disruptive cultural shifts caused by technology

     * The internet seizes our attention and scrambles our thoughts and keeps us on the surface of life.

     * "Skimming" has become a dominant mode of thought and affects our capacity to go deeper

     * We have gone from cultivation of knowledge to being hunters and gatherers.

     * We Live more and more with outward thoughts, denying our inner reality.

2. He defined "contemplativeness" as a long, loving look at the real, savoring that which I love.  A movement from self reflection to noticing the other and being affected by the other.   There is a difference between thinking about something and being affected by it.

3. The church teaches and interprets God.  And that is good.  It is in spiritual direction that we listen and find our for ourselves what God is doing and how we are affected by it.  Sometimes it is the difference between information about God and time with God.

After looking over my notes right now I realize I would benefit from watching this video again.  It just reminds me of the importance of "wasting time" with God and allowing God to have God's way with me.  It is just so easy to "do for" God instead of "be with" God. And the times of prayer, contemplative, reflection enable me to see and feel "movement of spirit" in ways that I cannot express in words, but experience often in  quiet and transcendent moments.

I am - as always it seems - in  discernment about my life in retirement - with a big question about what I am supposed to DO? And a morning like this reminds me, that it is most important for me to live in a stance in which I am truly open and listening.  Maybe it  is not about doing as much as receptivity. 

 I continue to marvel at the possibility for more growth and understanding  and openness to God's spirit.  And I am happy to have found spiritual directors in this journey.

"In spiritual direction, you reflect deeply on the experience of your daily life.  Gradually, as you contemplate, you may begin to recognize God's presence and grace in your life.  You may come to realize how God's spirit is truly with you every day and everywhere.  You discover that God has been waiting for you to seek this closer relationship."

Spiritual Director's International

 

Retreat in Daily Life

I am on my fourth week of participating in a 30 week "Retreat in Daily Life" and it  is interesting and always in the background of my days.  I begin every day with an hour of prayer - which involves reading, writing, reflecting, meditating, and just being with God.

So far, every week has a different focus and I find myself during the day having moments of thinking about it.  This week, we are looking at people that we admire  - who "show us the way?" They are people whose life story and frequently writings have inspired me - like Joan Chittister, Henri Nouwen, Mother Teresa, Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  And people who I know personally, whose lives intersect with mine and I admire them.  There are many and - serendipitously? - I find myself encountering some of them this week.   This week seems to be about freedom and recognizing what they are freed from and what they are freed for.

Last night at book group we listened to a story by David Sedaris called "Us and Them" in which he spoke about growing up with  some  neighbors they thought were very odd because  they didn't have a TV.  It was very funny but it truly spoke to me about the ways that TV and other media have formed us and often limit and constrict  our lives. I for one know that it is easier to turn on the TV to decompress or fill an hour than to read, pray, write or even reach out to a friend.  And that is just one example of how "unfree" I am!

What I know is that this time of reflection is doing something with me - working on me in a gentle way to identify that MORE that God has for me in this life.    One of the scriptures for this week is Romans 8:26-30.  I keep coming back to this very:
"We know that God is always at work for the good of everyone who loves him."
This retreat is helping me to be open to the work God is doing.  What a blessing.

Note:  Anyone can participate in it.  It is found on this website - www.Creighton.edu.org
"Retreat in Daily Life"  Check it out.

A BEAUTIFUL Weekend

As I was driving home from Pennsylvania yesterday I knew that the title of this post had to be BEAUTIFUL.  It began and ended with a long and yet a beautiful drive back and forth from Columbus in my little Kia Soul.  I could not take a picture because I was driving solo but never have I seen more varied colors in the mountains as I drove - red, orange, gold and green.  It was spectacular!

The reunion with the "Roslyn Girls" was also BEAUTIFUL. As I drove home yesterday and saw the variety of colors and kinds of trees, I realized that was who we were together.  Women whose lives had intersected at a certain time and place and grew up to become ourselves in all of our different gifts and experiences, shapes and  colors.  Some had worked in retail, in counseling, in art, in law, the FBI, in administration, and me in the church.  Some were retired and some were still working. We shared stories of our working lives, of our marriages and divorces, our children and grandchildren, our dogs and cats.  We shared our memories from life in West Chester - with conversations about teachers, old boy friends, friends and  families.  We shared about the death of parents or present caring for parents.  A lot of memories and a lot of stories.  And as I look back on these days - a truly BEAUTIFUL reunion.

Saturday Night we went to Longwood Gardens and experienced the "Nightscape:" an immersive evening journey around the  Gardens as we encountered  moving imagery and light set to original music compositions.  Longwood Gardens has a lot of memories for me as I went there with my family and remember how much my Mom and Grandma loved it. I cannot even describe what it was like to walk at night in this familiar place and see the lights  and the flowers, the trees, the lake, the orchids, the bonsai.  It was extraordinary and BEAUTIFUL.

For some reason I took this picture of a bonsai.  As I recall it was over 100 years old! 

  I looked up about bonsai trees on Wikipedia and it says:
"The purposes of bonsai are primarily contemplation (for the viewer) and the pleasant exercise of effort and ingenuity (for the grower). By contrast with other plant cultivation practices, bonsai is not intended for production of food, for medicine, or for creating landscapes. Instead, bonsai practice focuses on long-term cultivation and shaping of one or more small trees growing in a container."

My 8 hour drive home yesterday was a time of contemplation as I considered how my life has been cultivated and shaped through time spent in various places as a child and as an adult.  I lived in Roslyn in  West Chester Pennsylvania from 5th grade through 11th grade and then left to finish up high school in Birmingham Michigan.  There was stability for years and then instability and there is no question that it "bent me" in different shapes and is part of who I am today.

This is the house that we lived in during those years.  I have memories of riding bikes, playing lacrosse in the front yard, listening to "West Side Story" over and over again  on the living room stereo, watching the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show on the TV in the basement, and noisy family dinners in the dining room. I remember so many good times as I was growing up and being cultivated and shaped and becoming Margot Gersen.   I was shaped by this place and the events  and the  people  who touched my life during these years.


And so, I am today grateful for all of it and the gift of reflection today. I am especially grateful for the gift of retirement because now I have the time to go and reconnect with the Roslyn girls of my past and remember and make new memories.  It was a BEAUTIFUL gift to be together again.

Preparing for a Reunion

I am on my last day in Phoenix and looking ahead to next weekend when I will be  traveling to West Chester, Pennsylvania where I lived from 1959 - 1966 - 5th grade through 11th grade.  I will be attending a reunion with 7 women who were in school with me during that time.
I have not seen most of them for almost 50 years.
I do not remember some of them.
I have not been to West Chester for 5 years,

And so, I have a little bit of anxiety about this.  That is my background to continuing on my prayer retreat.  Every day.

This morning I began my time of prayer by spending time with a dream I had last night.  It involved me talking to a young actress on a movie set and being dismissed and rejected by her.  In the dream I thought: "You don't understand that you will not always be popular." But I still felt hurt.

And so, I recognize that there is anxiety within me about rejection - and it may be a result of past rejections during my formative years.  Yes, the challenging years  of junior high!  Could it be that events of 50 plus years ago still affect me today?  Probably.

One of the texts of this morning was a true gift to me: Hosea 11: 1-4

When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son. ²The more I called them, the more they went from me; they kept sacrificing to the Baals, and offering incense to idols. ³Yet it was I who taught Ephraim to walk, I took them up in my arms; but they did not know that I healed them. ⁴I led them with cords of human kindness, with bands of love. I was to them like those who lift infants to their cheeks. I bent down to them and fed them.

This so speaks to me today.  There is a call that God makes upon my life to bring me out of Egypt - that place of bondage.  The bondage of fear.    The bondage of low self esteem that leads to compulsive and numbing behaviors.  The bondage of anxiety.  This text reminds me that  God is and has been with me forever, God has healed me and that God continues to guide me.  Here is the prayer I wrote this morning.

O God  Here I am

     loved

     called out of Egypt

     healed 

     By You

You lead me

        not by a whip or punitive word

        but by cords of human kindness  and bonds of love

You lift me up to your cheeks

You bend down and feed me

O God  Here I am

     Waiting

     In suspense and faith

     For you

Amen

Time In Tucson

My bags are packed and I am getting ready to leave Tucson and a week with Audrey and Miranda.
It has been a peaceful, enriching and blessed time for me.

They moved here in June as Miranda began a new position as a supervisor in the park service. Audrey is now a high school math teacher and they are beginning a new chapter in their life.  This week has been time off for Audrey who is in a year round school and Miranda took time off so that we could explore this area together.

 I will go away with so many wonderful memories of the places we have gone. I have learned a LOT about the southwest and how much more there is to learn.

* Sunday we went to the Desert Museum which was a great beginning to the week.  I learned about cactus, rocks, water, fish, bird, creatures that live in the desert.  They even had a Labyrinth.

*Tuesday we took a trip to Tombstone which was so much fun and still very educational.  We prepared for it by watching the movie Monday night so we had the story down of the hero's and the villains.  In Tombstone we saw two gunfight reenactments (one comedy and one "historical") took a tour and had a good and entertaining time at "Big Nose Kate's" saloon.  I learned more than the movie showed - about the trial that followed the killings, about the terrible life of women at that time, and about the "bust" that followed in Tombstone.  It was a city that went from over 100,000   People to 150 in a couple of years. 

* Wednesday we went to Sabino Canyon on a trolley and were awed by the beauty of the rocks and cacti. It is a different kind of beauty from the green hills and mountains of Ohio.

* Thursday Audrey and I found the House of Prayer retreat center in west Tucson.  We came late and were graciously guided throughout this holy place which values silence and offers retreats and spiritual direction.  It was a gift to be there.

* Friday Audrey and I went to Saguaro East National Park where Miranda works. We watched a video and learned more about the history of the area and then drove the 8 mile loop which was constructed by the CCC in then1930's.  It was wonderful to leisurely stop and take pictures and just enjoy the beauty together. I came away from this proud of our country that over the years leaders have recognized  our responsibility to keep these natural wonders protected and available to all.

I had audrey look like this

But of course, the time has been more than trips and tours. It  has been truly enjoying the blessing of being with these two young women and appreciating their company, insights, and humor.  And supporting them and loving them as they meet the challenges of starting a new life together in a new place that is unfamiliar now and will  probably eventually become home to them.

I began every morning on their patio in prayer. My morning view was blue skies, a Mexican bird of paradise, hummingbirds,  butterflies and mountains in the background.  I now start my time  reflecting on the day before and awed always by God's presence in my life. I am in the beginning of the 30 week "retreat in daily life" and it has been a wonderful backdrop to my time here.

Yesterday I read these words by Larry S. Gallick :
Love must be expressed in words and gestures that the beloved can understand. The lover must reverence the beloved so much that he or she adapts the expression of love to the way the beloved can receive it. If I love a blind person, I do not speak to them in sign language. If I love a German-speaking person, I don’t speak any other language to that person except German. The lover adapts to the person and personality of the beloved.
In praying these next weeks, we watch how the loving God reveals that love through gestures of revelation. We also consider how this God adapts that same love to our ways of reception. We pray with God’s courtship of us, constantly attracting us through acts of gentle yet persistent love

And so I feel like God is expressing God's love to me this week in so many ways - through the beauty of the desert, through the love of Audrey and Miranda, through a deep friendship with Susan, and the gift of time here.

As always I say - but in a deeper way of awe and wonder - God is Good, All the Time.
Amen