Living in I DON'T KNOW LAND

Living in I DON’T KNOW

Since I was diagnosed with cancer I have been living in what I call I DON’T KNOW LAND.   It is not easy.  I have a few mottos I live by and one of them has been:  “Anxiety is caused by not enough information.”  When you live in I DON’T KNOW LAND you actually get used to this reality.  You don’t know and you don’t get to know.  At the same time it is helpful for me to express the myriad things I don’t know right now.

One of the things I don’t know is where this cancer came from.  How long I had it.  Did I miss some red flags and would it have made a difference.  When I was gaining weight in my abdomen and thought I was just getting fat instead of filled with Ascites, would it improved my chances if I had visited the doctor?  I don’t know.

Another thing I don’t know is about the efficacy of the chemo that is being used on me.  I get a glimpse because every three weeks I get blood work that includes a CA 125 test which shows the amount of activity of the cancer.  When the numbers were going down I didn’t know how far they would fall and now that they are going up – I don’t know how far they will will go up.

I don’t know at what point Dr. Backes is going to say – this chemo is not working and we are going to try something new.  I have  imaging next week to find if they can “see” the cancer.  That would be a good thing, because that makes me eligible for a clinical trial.  Clinical trials require visible cancers so that they can see if they work. My cancer is small and has been described as “couscous” as opposed to a large tumor.  I don’t know what will happen if I am unable to have these trials.

I don’t know about the side effects that I am currently experiencing and that are to come with a new chemo.  Currently I have neuropathy on my feet and my fingers and constipation and high blood pressure.  This weekend I have been extremely tired, coughing  and I vomited Sunday morning at breakfast at Glen Laural. (It was a little embarrassing).  Are these side effects of the Avastin that has been added to the Elahare in the last two months? Are these  caused by the cancer itself?  I don’t know.

And of course, I celebrate my  77^th birthday next week and I wonder if this will be my last one or if I will have two or three or five or ten to come?   I don’t know.

As I write this I realize that sometimes I hold these questions lightly – knowing they are there and essentially unknowable; and sometimes they weigh heavily on me.  They do not cause a sense of anxiety but it’s more like dread and foreboding.  They are always in the background.

What I can control is what is in the foreground.  I live in a house in the woods on the reservoir and daily I get to reflect on the beauty and singularity of each day.  I have been blessed with a long and meaningful  life and the blessings of a good marriage, a loving family and supportive friends. 

And there is my faith that grounds me.  I do  know myself to be a beloved child of a loving God and I have assurance that while I do not know what happens at the end – it will be a wonderful surprise. 

I have today and I get to embrace it.  That much I know.