Ruminations

 Today is the day that the cleaners came and for an hour and a half John and I sat in his office while they did their work.  I was starting the tome on the Psalms to teach a Bible study with Larry  next month and he was sorting papers. He is drowning in papers because, like many of us, he has trouble throwing anything away.   

So,  he gave me three papers that for some reason were on his desk for me to look at. .  The first was the results of a CT scan of my pelvis from December 2023.  I had had an episode of vaginal bleeding and my primary care doctor had ordered it.  It revealed that I small amount of fluid within the endo metrial canal and a "mild thickening of the endometrium.  Raising concern for endomertial carcinoma."  They said a endometrial biopsy should be considered.  My doctor said maybe we would look into it later.  Eight months later I was full of fluid and had stage 3 ovarian cancer.  I wonder if we had taken that seriously it would have made a difference.  Shoulda, woulda, coulda.    I kind of doubt it - but it caused me to just wonder.

 

The second group of papers he gave me was the funeral message I wrote for Robert Conibear, Judy's husband. I did that funeral last year.  I was struck by what a good job I did.  I reread the funeral that I did last month and I thought the same.  And even yesterday in a conversation with Kim  she talked about what a gift I have for doing funerals. (We were talking about my plans for having my funeral at Northwest Christian Church). It is so strange to be able to identify that and at the same time know that it is a gift that I rarely use now.  

The third thing he gave me was a reading from the book "The Wisdom of the Enneagram" called "The Stages of the Work"   Here it is:

 The stages of the work. … from Riso and Hudson (1999) The wisdom of the Enneagram.

 
If we were to really observe ourselves
we would become aware of our tensions and habits.

If we were to become aware of our tensions and habits,
we would let go and relax. 
If we were to let go and relax,
we would be aware of sensations.
If we were to be aware of sensations,
we would receive impressions.
If we were to receive impressions,
we would awaken to the moment.
If we were to awaken to the moment,
we would experience reality.
If we were to experience reality
we would see that we are not the personality.
If we were to see that we are not the personality,
we would remember ourselves.
If we were to remember ourselves
we would let go of our fears and attachments.
If we were to let go of our fears and attachments,
we would be touched by God.
If we were touched by God,
we would seek union with God.
If we were to seek union with God,
we would will what God wills.
If we were to will what God wills,
we would be transformed.
If we were transformed,
the world would be transformed.
if the world were transformed,
all would return to God. “

And I was struck by "We would see we are not the personality"

And I sit with that still.  There is this me beneath whatever this personality is that I  have.  And I  am seeking union with God - whatever that means.  But I know that it is real and in the empty spaces of my life that is always under everything.   

This God  who has blessed me with three daughters and four granddaughters and one grandson who give me joy and wonder that is beyond words.  

This God who led me into relationship with John Anderson which I cherish in my later years.

This God who gave me a calling and gifts for ministry which I get to live out for the rest of my life. 

  This God who led me into a church where I learn from Larry and live into the mystery of God's word. 

 This God who has companions me through the ups and downs of living with Ovarian cancer              

So....I ruminate on all of this seeking union and guidance on living into the will of God for the rest of my life.