It started last week when I had lunch with Marnie downtown. After I left her I took myself for a walk and kept saying: "May the grief flow through me." Sometimes it feels like it is just clinging to my body. It helps to write, to talk and it really seems to help to walk. Walking downtown made me think about Chuck and how much he loved to just look around at everything - the people, the stores, the stuff of downtown and I missed him so much.
Yesterday I was at the mall early in the morning and felt led to "mall walk" but actually to griefwalk there. The same mantra and the sights of places we have been together, items that have been purchased for him, restaurants we have been to. And walking, stretching my legs and the awareness of muscles and breathing and movement was so good for me.
This morning I woke up at Marnie's house where I spent the night. Erik's uncle died and I was taking with Addie and Reagan for the night. They left for school by 7 am and by 7:30 I was on my way out the door with Ginger on the leash. I started walking down the street toward the park and ended up continuing for about 40 minutes - walking past the lake, on snowy paths and around the block. It was cold and invigorating and again - good for my body and my soul. The ice on the lake reminded me of how frozen I feel to be grieving .
I looked at the footsteps on the path I thought of how many people have walked this walk of deep sadness.
I was aware of how much I dreaded going to my home without Chuck but of course, I did. I received two notes from friends in the mail. One of them contained this poem by George MacDonald which speaks to my heart this morning.
Do not hurry
As you walk with grief
It does not help the journey.
Walk slowly,
pausing often
Do not hurry
As you walk with grief.
Be not disturbed
By memories that come unbidden.
Swiftly forgive;
and let Christ speak for you
unspoken words.
Unfinished conversation
will be resolved in Him.
Be not disturbed.
Be gentle with the one
who walks in grief.
If it is you,
Be gentle with yourself.
Swiftly forgive,
Walk slowly,
Pausing often.
Take time, be gentle
As you walk with grief.
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