Ups and Downs

And desolation and consolation.  

That days after the chemo are not easy.  The first few days are supposed to be okay, but I feel a sense of tiredness that keeps increasing.  The next three days are the no energy days which invariably lead me into the spiritual state of desolation.  I looked it up on the Ignatian website and the description is me at those times:

turns in on ourselves; ever deepening spiral of negativity, makes me want to give up on things that used to be important; covers up our landmarks and signs of God's presence on the journey; drains us of energy.

So, the physical affects the mental and the spiritual state.  It is not easy to live with and afterwards, I end up disappointed in myself.  Except this really is the way it is.  I keep learning with each chemo something new.  The first time, I learned I need to take pain meds through those days.  This time, I learned I need to see people more and not just suffer alone.  There is no question that I am an extrovert and people give me energy.  Even though I am definitely not at my best during those days. 

I write this today with much, much more energy and in a state of "consolation"  Here's some of how that is described:

directs our focus outside ourselves, lifts our hearts so that we can see the joys and sorrows of others, bonds us to our human community, generates new inspiration and ideas, restores balance and refreshes our inner vision, gives us energy.

So, here I am, feeling good again and enjoying everything - my home, my family, pickleball and believing that I can do this!  I can make myself strong enough for the upcoming surgery.  And all will be well.  God is in this through the desolation into the movement of consolation.  

I talked to my spiritual director yesterday and realized that what this cancer journey has done for me - like it or not, is take much of the veneer away.  I am in a more vulnerable state than I ever have been in my life.  The normal ups and downs of life are being lived in an extreme way.   I have found fear and neediness in me that I don't like.  But here I am.  At the same time, I know in some inexplicable way that I am a beloved child of God.  That part never changes.  I just am stuck with my self - and sometimes It is hard to be Margot.

But not today.  Today I will see a friend and enjoy reading my nieces book,  go to Costco, and make dinner for my husband.  And enjoy this gift of life.  Today.