No Energy

It is hard to describe what it feels like to have no energy.  My eyes feel like they are at half mast and I just do not want to do anything.  I feel achy with a dull headache and no drive at all.  And I wait for this to pass.

I write this today when I am almost past the "crash" of the second chemo treatment.  I have a little energy today - enough to sit here and write but not enough to really do anything substantive.  Waiting for the lethargy to pass.

Several people texted me yesterday to see how I am feeling and I am honest - crashing but it will be better tomorrow.  And hoping and praying that is true.  It will be better today and it is a little bit.  Rounding the corner and waiting for it to pass.

Yesterday in the midst of my depression I listened to a podcast which encouraged me to exercise and eat healthy.  I should be eating every two hours and drinking throughout the day - Hydrate! Hydrate!Hydrate! It sounds simple it is not.  I remember watching Chuck not eating and my sister not eating and could not understand it.  Now I can.  Every bite I take is a decision and often I just don't want to!  Who would have ever believed how hard it is to force yourself to eat?  Now I know.

What I know to be true is that I want to live.  I want to get through these hard days and find my old appetite on the other side.  I am waiting for the tiredness to pass so that I can go back to being "myself" again - whoever that is.

So I sit with a cup full of nuts beside me, slowly slowly eating one at a time until finally the cup is empty. I have also finished my glass of decaf iced tea.  This is what success looks like today.