Complications

The complication is a UTI that I had last week and maybe is recurring.  At least it seemed so last night and so today I have an appointment with my doctor.  This is the third time I will see her in two weeks as she helped me through the first time I encountered this.

Last night I was up worrying and doing that thing everyone tells you not to do - googling.  I googled UTI before surgery and learned that it can really make things worse - like sepsis.  I knew I had to do something about this immediately.  The biggest fear is that something will happen to postpone the surgery on Tuesday.

I learned yesterday that in the clinical trial I will receive chemo - heated up (!) following the hysterectomy.  It is called a "chemo bath" and it will extend the surgery ninety minutes.  According to research, the people who have this treatment live thirteen months longer.  All of this is daunting and yet I am glad that I am part of the trial.

Yesterday we met with a neighbor who learned a lot about nutrition following her surgery for colon cancer.  She helped me to recognize the foods that do not inflame the colon that will aid the healing for me after my surgery.  She was literally a Godsend to me.  It makes me feel more ready to go.

How am I? 

 I am   scared that this UTI could cause the surgery to be postponed.  Could I be imaging the symptoms or is it my fault that somehow it has recurred?

How am I? 

I am trying to just live my life and ignore the fact that I am bald and may be bald forever.  I don't want to hear anyone say - "it's just hair."  I have a friend with cancer who posted her picture with her family and she is bald.   I will not do that.   No one will see me bald except my kids and John and then only quickly.  I like to keep my illusions that all is well and I am the same .  It really is an illusion.

How am I? 

I am wishing it was Tuesday already.