I am ready

Surgery is tomorrow and my bag is packed and I am ready to go. 

I am played up and prayed up.  Today at pickleball - my last time to play in two months, probably - everyone prayed for me after we played.  Then I had a reiki treatment in the afternoon and a group of spiritual directors came over to do a prayer circle for me.  It all was very meaningful.

The last few days have been a time of  settling in and getting prepared for tomorrow.  I really feel like I have been through a mental and spiritual journey for the last three months.  I have faced my fears and felt my grief and come to a place of acceptance.  There is good news because the numbers of my "CA125" test have been steadily going down.  The tumors are truly shrinking and now it is time for the surgery.  The dread that I had felt has been replaced by a sense of determination.

So, I will arrive  with John at the James Hospital at 5:30 tomorrow morning, hopefully see my daughters, and then the surgery will be at 7:30.  My prayer is that it will go smoothly and that there will be a minimal amount of cancer.  I am part of a clinical trial and so I will receive heated chemo for 90 minutes following the removal of the ovaries, etc.    It is a daunting surgery, for sure, but I hope that I will feel held by God throughout the day.  

I am ready.

Complications

The complication is a UTI that I had last week and maybe is recurring.  At least it seemed so last night and so today I have an appointment with my doctor.  This is the third time I will see her in two weeks as she helped me through the first time I encountered this.

Last night I was up worrying and doing that thing everyone tells you not to do - googling.  I googled UTI before surgery and learned that it can really make things worse - like sepsis.  I knew I had to do something about this immediately.  The biggest fear is that something will happen to postpone the surgery on Tuesday.

I learned yesterday that in the clinical trial I will receive chemo - heated up (!) following the hysterectomy.  It is called a "chemo bath" and it will extend the surgery ninety minutes.  According to research, the people who have this treatment live thirteen months longer.  All of this is daunting and yet I am glad that I am part of the trial.

Yesterday we met with a neighbor who learned a lot about nutrition following her surgery for colon cancer.  She helped me to recognize the foods that do not inflame the colon that will aid the healing for me after my surgery.  She was literally a Godsend to me.  It makes me feel more ready to go.

How am I? 

 I am   scared that this UTI could cause the surgery to be postponed.  Could I be imaging the symptoms or is it my fault that somehow it has recurred?

How am I? 

I am trying to just live my life and ignore the fact that I am bald and may be bald forever.  I don't want to hear anyone say - "it's just hair."  I have a friend with cancer who posted her picture with her family and she is bald.   I will not do that.   No one will see me bald except my kids and John and then only quickly.  I like to keep my illusions that all is well and I am the same .  It really is an illusion.

How am I? 

I am wishing it was Tuesday already.

Waiting

The surgery will be in two weeks and I am now in a period of waiting.  

The interesting part is that I feel fine.  In fact, I feel so good that I am able to play pickleball.  I have a little less energy, but I am still "me" and able to really enjoy it.  

At the same time I live with this reality - there is cancer "at work" within my body doing something bad.  And I am facing a long and possibly complicated surgery with what my friend Susan called a "hard heal"afterward.  

But for this moment and for these weeks life goes on.  There are three really important activities that are helpful.

The first is, of course, pickleball.  I get to move my body and be with a whole bunch of very caring people, some of whom I have been playing with for 5 years.  It is comforting.  The most important part for me is that I remember how strong I am.  I come away from pickleball thinking "I can do this."  Meaning I can do these next steps and not only endure and survive but thrive.  I can do this.

The second is to be with my family.  Sunday I went to Marnie's house for Addie's 20th birthday party.  There is something about the love and the chaos of family life that just fills my soul.  We came into the house and ten year old Maggie was in roller skates circling around the kitchen and living room.  Addie opened her presents with her sister Reagan and Bff Hailey providing oohs and ahs and literally squealing over the mug, bracelets, stuffed animals that she received.  I find these days that just watching the interactions among everyone gives me joy.  It is my own family sitcom and they never disappoint.  And it is my legacy - a family that laughs and enjoys each other so much.

The third is to go to church. Sunday I led the first of three Bible studies this month.  (I will take a break after surgery and come back)  We are studying the book of Galatians and I love preparing and thinking about the themes of that day.  Do God still reveal Godself to people today as God did to Paul?  How do people today struggle with being a God versus a people pleaser?  How does our valueing conformity get in the way of our faith?

Then we go to church where always I sit and remember that God is with me.  And that I can count on God's strength and healing power in the midst of this waiting time.  What I have found during this time is how important the words to the hymns are to me - they truly comfort me.  This past week we sang "Nearer my God to Thee" and I could hardly get through it.

I will end with the words to the second verse.  They speak to my soul.

Though like the wanderer, the sun gone down,
darkness be over me, my rest a stone;
yet in my dreams I'd be
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

Your body wants to heal

I am quoting my friend Susan as she recounted her experience of having a hysterectomy some twenty years ago.  Those are such comforting words that I cling to.  My body wants to heal and my God is real and loving me and wanting to bring healing.

This journey is one of remembering what I think I believe.  Because the demons of hopelessness and despair are always just around the corner.  

I went to a luncheon at the James on Friday with Marnie.  The speaker had recovered from cervical cancer and inspired us with the knowledge that it truly can be eliminated with screening and vaccines.  I also met a woman who had recovered from both lung and breast cancer.  She was vital and alive - in fact she recounted how she had ridden in the Pelatonia seven weeks after her surgery.  "Only" 25 miles.  Any time I meet someone "on the other side" of cancer, I remember that your body wants to heal and God is always present loving and healing everyone. Even and especially me.

The night before I attended a zoom support group for those who have my cancer and it was less inspiring but still very helpful.  We had a representative talk about palliative care and hospice which was sobering to say the least.  At the same time, I asked questions about my upcoming surgery and was given some very practical advice - what to eat afterwards, what to realistically expect in the recovery time.  This group reminds me that this is a tough journey for all of us and we just keep going, learn what to do, make good choices,  and trust the process.  One of the images that has always been important to me was of a plant.  I believe that too often we keep picking up the plant and checking the roots to see if it is growing - which gets in the way of the growth.  Instead, I need to just trust that in the midst of the pain and worry and anxiety about neuropathy and surgery and yes, losing my hair - something is happening underground in the dark to bring about the shrinking and removal of this cancer.

Today is a crash day - feeling achy and fluey and wondering how to spend the day.  These next two days are just times of "getting through" until miraculously I will probably wake up and feel fine again for a couple of weeks.  Up and down, hope and fear,  but ultimately deep faith that my body does want to heal and God is with me.

A Word about Prayer

First, the headline: I've had my 3rd chemo and it was the best one yet.  They now know that I am allergic to taxol and benedryl.  So the chemo is given slowly and they found a substitute for the benedyl and all was well.  I had Audrey stop by halfway through the 5 hours which was a nice break for me and John.  All is well.

I really have learned alot about prayer through this cancer journey. 

First, I learned that there are times when I am so shook up that I can't pray.  I took about a month for me to settle down and come to terms with the new reality - I have cancer, I will have chemo, I will lose my hair, and have surgery.  Lots of loss of control in this.  During that time I was deeply grateful for the many ways in which people let me know that they were praying for me - church prayer chains, texts, cards, and calls.  I was held by the prayers of others.

John and I are back to praying together outside.  We often do the pray as you go app.  I adds two components which are life giving for me.  One is scripture which can remind me of God's presence, love and power. I sort of journal and often just write phrases like this one from the book of James: "generous act of giving from above."  I know that God only wants to give us (me!) healing, strength, grace. Generously. 

The other gift is to be outside.  Someone said that God's first language is nature and truly it does speak to me.  The movement of water and wind, the leaves starting to change color, the sounds of the birds that come and go.  It is beautiful and always changing.  

Before my last two chemo treatments I was blessed to have Kim Veatch come over and do reiki.  It was so wonderful for me.  I have been doing reiki for 24 years and there is no wondering about what she is doing.  It is a sacred time with music, touch and sacred silence.  I spend the whole time open and praying and listening.  This time I heard "Let it go" and surely that is what this is all about.  Let go of fear and trust.  Let go of cancer - shrink and flow away!

We had two friends pray for us on Sunday and it was a powerful experience for both me and John. I was anointed and heard words that assured me of God's love flowing into me and through me.  It was such a gift to me.

So, here I am.  I now know that the surgery will be October 1st and I feel ready for this next important step.  I do hope that people will pray for me during that day. And actually before for strength and trust. I know that prayer has truly sustained me through this time.