Slogging Through Grief

Slogging through Grief

I read a devotional about denial and seeking the mirage that he is still here.  That is not me.

Who am I these days?  The one who is slogging through grief. Tears in the morning , afternoon and evening.  That is me.
Missing a hair appointment as I sit on the couch crying. That is me
Wondering if I am being self indulgent or healthy.  That is me
Thinking this is good.  Cry it out.  Get through it and then wondering if I should get anti depressants.  That is me.


And so I write again this morning hoping to express something of this grief that is unlike anything I have ever experienced.  Seeking the words - loss, barrenness, darkness, deep sadness.  Trying to describe to myself the veil that hangs over everything, the cloud that I am walking through, the heaviness that is within my spirit.

At the same time knowing - or trusting - the presence of God.  I sit in the living room and write and imagine that there is an angel present who is lighting a corner of the dark space.  I try to picture my spirit guides gathered and witnessing and loving me through these tears.  I see Jesus entering and coming to me and holding my hand as I silently sob yet again.  Are these the mirages or could any of this be happening?  I hope so.

I read Ann Lamott and underline these words:

"New beginnings and hope emerge, side by side with the dark and scrambled.

We get to see that we almost never really know what is true, except what everybody else knows: that sometimes we're all really lonely, and hollow, and stripped down to our most naked human selves.  It is the worst thing on earth, this truth about how little truth we know.  I hate and resent it.  And yet it is where new life rises from.

We are flattened, we come through

When we detach or are detached by tragedy or choice from the tendrils of identity, unexpected elements feed us.

We remember that because truth is paradox, something beautiful is also going on.

We water that which is dry.

Just typing this makes me breathe a little deeper and start to remember the  ways in which people help to bring light to me during this darkness.  A daughter and granddaughters who clean my house, a friend who calls, numerous cards in the mail.

I am slogging through grief to be sure.   I am flattened by grief and yet trusting always that this will pass and continue the work that God has been doing within my soul since the day I was born.

One of the great surprises of this week was a package from Amazon - a candle given to me by Brittany who is a young woman I have known from Advance Conference.  I have memories of her wedding to Dave where Chuck suddenly crashed on the floor from a broken chair.  He was - as always - a great sport and gracious as Brittany came to apologize.  I also remember the best part of weddings for us - a chance to Dance with my husband.

Here is what the candle says:

There are some

who bring a light

so great to the world

that even after they have gone

their light remains.