Planning the day

With Geoff and Vicky.

I write this from my "retreat place" in Geoff and Vicky's house.  The sun is shining and i have meditative piano music playing on my phone.  It is "cold" - 50 degrees!  And I know from talking to Audrey this morning that it is snowing in Columbus.  It is pleasant here for sure.

There is a comforting routine to staying here.  We all get up early and meet in front of their TV at 7 AM and watch the first 20 minutes of CBS News - a practice that mirrors my life at home.  Although I am not always so disciplined at turning off the TV at 7:20.  it is enough so that we know what is going on.

Then we plan the day.  Today we go back to the beach - this time taking a ferry to Bald Island.  i am looking forward to seeing the island and - most of all - walking on the beach.  Maybe looking into renting a place here for my 70th birthday with my siblings.  I don't know for sure - I only know that I am drawn to the beach.

yesterday we walked on the beach for a while.  My brother Wayne and Gail called at the same time so half the time I was talking to them on the phone.  i feel so cared for by my family.  As we were walking back, however, I was seized by what seemed like a spasm of grief.  it just comes up in me and i feel like sobbing.  I did not share this with Geoff and Vicky - he was talking and she was picking up shells and I had on protective sun glasses as my face was breaking in two.

I don't need or want a witness to these episodes of grief.  They are not part of the plans of the day and my hope is that it is a release of the darkness that is just within me.  I cannot even say what I cry about:  is it missing Chuck?  is is no longer being married?  Is it the changes in my life?  Is it feeling overwhelmed with love?  Is it the sight of these waves and sand and the myriad memories of the everything of my life?  I don't know.  I never know.  I just cry for a moment or two and then it is over.

And I write about it today just to remember and witness this journey of sadness. I cannot really make sense of it.  Here is a quote I underlined this morning from Anne LaMott

"It's ridiculous how hard life is. Denial and avoidance are unsuccessful strategies, but truth and awareness mend.  Writing, creation and stories are food."

So i write.  And write and write.
And trust in the release and healing power of tears that we do not plan for but come anyway.