Another Day

Today is Thursday and I live into the tasks of getting back into life.  Yesterday I texted three people for whom I do spiritual direction and today I will talk to one on the phone.  Next week I will see the other two.   I hope I can be present.

I got up early again - but 5 am is better than 4 am, so there must be progress here. After wasting too much time watching news I finally started straightening the house, watering flowers that may be on their last leg, putting pictures away and thinking about writing thank you notes.  As I move around the house and put the Chuck candle on the mantle and a picture of him in the living room, I cry and cry.  As I write this I do the same.  What can you do?  The sadness is just always present if I allow it to come up.

Yesterday I met with my peer group and "presented" my grief.  Here is some of what came out of it:

The question::
whose lap do you sit on when you want to cry?  (answer - it used to be Chuck)

The realization: that the wonderful celebration service was full of past parishioners and children and grandchildren who do not want to see me fall apart.  No wonder I just stayed in role and the tears remained buried.    Waiting to be expressed.

The knowing: - I need to move my body to release some of this grief.  Whether this means a trip to the gym, time on the treadmill or walking in my home.  It is cold outside - 19 degrees so I can't do what I want.  I so look forward to being in North Carolina and Arizona.. Lisa suggested that her spiritual director years ago said the there is something that happens when you walk 40 minutes.  a short walk does not do it.  I will remember that.

The insight - my "holy team" (spiritual guides) are surrounding me and saying "we are glad you are here/"  I have always been told I have a lot of spirit guides - so I am leaning hard on them now.and trusting they are here.


One of the people in my prayer group said it was like I had been  gut punched and thrown against the wall over the past two months.  And that brought me to tears.  There was \something so wonderful about being heard yesterday.  I need to catch my breath and just to catch up with what has happened.  And of course, that means time and rest and trying to be present.  Not easy

I talked about this blog  and someone suggested that they are "mourning pages."  And that is so true.  So true.

So, it is another day of me trying to find the balance between numbing and feeling and doing and resting and weeping and laughing.

I have been so blessed to have been with Chuck for 25 years.  I remain grateful and grieving.