Letting Go and Holding On

And holding on and letting go.

That is what I find myself noticing lately.  I just returned from an overnight to Toledo where I saw Chuck's daughter Lisa.  I brought her necklaces with "cremains" in them for her and her daughter and Chuck T shirts for her to have made into a T shirt quilt.  As I was packing the T shirts I had to set one aside for myself.  For some reason.  I told Audrey I was taking them and she kept three.

This seems like a metaphor for how it is for us these days.  We do want to and need to let go of some of the "Chuck stuff."  My house is full of his treasures, his clothes, his dishes, his passions.  It is full.  And I don't need or want all of it - but I want some of it. 

I am trying to be responsive to my soul's desire and to not move too fast but still to move a little towards the new reality that he is physically gone.  I watched a couple of episodes of the netflix "The magic art of tidying up" and find myself using her example.  I take each item and hold it and see if it "sparks joy."  And I think it is helpful.  But you would be surprised at what makes the cut - like the T shirt that says Poppi and all the grandchildren's names and the bandanna that is like the American flag.  I even did that today sorting through 30 pairs of glasses that had accumulated around the house.  It is a process and part of this journey of grief.  Of course, she writes about how items "spark joy" and what that looks like in me is often "brings tears."  But whatever - it is the same thing.

I continue to read slowly through several books.  One of which is The Five Invitations: Discovering what death can teach us about Living Fully>"  This morning I read about "non-waiting.: the antidote to the trap of expectation - an open receptive quality of mind."  My expectation is that God is at work and comforting and healing me. In God's own time and when I am "waiting" I find myself impatient for the healing to begin!  When will these tears end?  I am waiting!  If I can adopt "non-waiting" maybe I will trust that all will be well in due time.  I do my "work" - feeling both the grief and the gratitude and moving slowly forward and trust that eventually all will be well, all will be well.

So I let go and I hold on and hold on and let go and trust God and live in hope.  I will end this post with a quote from the book:

Hope with an attitude of non-waiting gives rise to a timeless expansiveness, a joyful openness, a receptivity not contingent upon circumstances and conditions. 

 It arises from an immediate connection with the benevolence of this human life....

.Mature hope is a bit like Brahm's "Lullaby". a sweet reminder that helps us to relax and appreciate the potential for new life that always infuses the present moment.