Living in Hope

Many of my questions have been answered and I now live in hope. Actually it is hard for me not to live in hope.  I loved the poem by Emily Dickinson

"Hope" is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul - 

And sings the tune without the words

And never stops - at all

So, yesterday was the day that I had been waiting for ever since I heard the word "cancer."  I was blessed to be seen so quickly by Dr. Backes and her team.  They did not disappoint.  After a pretty painful endometrial biopsy the Doctor sat down with me and Audrey and laid out the next six months of my life.  

This cancer, she said, is not a mass but more like "couscous" which is quite a picture.  And it is not easily seen but clearly present.  I will have three chemo sessions three weeks apart and then surgery and then more chemo.  

My hope comes because I heard the word "cure" - not just remission.  I am not good with details, but fortunately Audrey was with me taking notes the whole time.  She asked questions that had been submitted by Marnie, so I felt well cared for.  The percentages about remission and cure were very positive.  

Going into this, my desire was that i would not have surgery or lose my hair.  It turns out that both will happen.  But I could feel the shift within me as I accept what is coming and know in my heart that "all will be well."  Ultimately.  In the meantime my daughters are already arranging an outing when we will have a girls day and pick out a wig.  I know I have a husband and friends who will help in any way possible.  

There is no question that I would rather be the one helping than the one who is helped.  My companion these days is Richard Rohr as I listen again to a book on Audible about "Letting Go."  That is surely the life task as we get older - letting go of our plans, letting go of our pride, letting go of our control, ....and trusting that God is in this and will show me the light and the life throughout.

The first chemo is going to be Monday and right now I am savoring how good I feel in this moment.  I look forward to pickleball tomorrow and a party for 10 year old Maggie and a play at Otterbein on Saturday and church on Sunday.  I look forward to this life that is mine even as I dread some of what is coming.  

But all will be well.  Right?

I am going to end with another poem by Mary Oliver which expresses  layers of hope and then go outside and look at the birds and the geese!

 

Wild Geese


You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.