Life is Beautiful. Life is Hard.

"Life is beautiful.  Life is hard. "  This is a quote from the book Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I've Loved by Kate Bowler.  This is a book I bought before I went on our annual beach vacation.  It is her story about being diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer at the age of 35.

I read the book last week and it was a wonderful companion as I learned that I now have been diagnosed with cancer myself.  It all started on the 4th of July as I went to the emergency room the day before we left on vacation.  I felt like I was bloated and "something is not right."  It turns out that I was filled with abdominal fluid that was likely caused by cancer.  It was drained on Friday and during the next week I received messages on "My Chart" that confirmed that there was cancer which has been determined to be gynecological.  Tomorrow I have an appointment with a gynecological oncologist and will learn more about the cancer and the treatment.

I have just returned from a week at Emerald Island with my family: husband, daughters and their families, 
Geoff and Vicky, my brother and sister in law.  And my niece Gillian with her boyfriend Mitch and three dogs. It was beautiful and it was hard.   

For me the beach is truly my happy place.  We had an oceanfront cottage and every morning I could look at the surf and sand and birds and sky and feel a sense of wonder.  I got to walk the beach, swim in the ocean with my daughters and float in the pool with John.  We played games every day and ate well.   We did synchronized swimming and karaoke and had a picture contest.  We laughed and talked politics and gossiped and laughed some more.  It was vacation.  I love it.

And in the midst of it, there were these messages  on MyChart from the testing of the fluid.  Messages that indicated that there were dark clouds on the horizon as the reality of cancer became more and more evident. If there was ever a time that I did not want to return home from vacation - it was this year.  I really did not want to face the future.

Now I sit at this computer living in the midst of gratitude and dread.  I am so grateful for the week at the beach and for a family and friends whose love is almost palpable.  I am grateful that I was able to secure an appointment tomorrow with the doctor of my choice.  I am grateful for a husband and daughters who walk with me.  I am grateful for my faith and my belief in the presence of God with me that gives me strength and guidance.

And I dread what is coming.  Surely chemo and maybe surgery.  I watched my mother go through eight years of living with ovarian cancer and I hope to have at least that much time.  It will not be easy, but it will be worth it.  I know that in the deepest part of my soul. 

Meanwhile, I know that the  "answer" is easy to say and hard to do - live in the present.  Enjoy this moment in this morning.  Breathe in the new life that is there is every breath.  And know that in the midst of fear and worry, there is one who is loving me, holding me, and will not let me go. 

Life is hard, yes and Life is beautiful and I am blessed to live on the water in the woods.  I found this poem by Mary Oliver that speaks to me this morning. 

When I am Among the Trees

Mary Oliver

When I am among the trees,
especially the willows and the honey locust,
equally the beech, the oaks and the pines,
they give off such hints of gladness.
I would almost say that they save me, and daily.

I am so distant from the hope of myself,
in which I have goodness, and discernment,
and never hurry through the world
but walk slowly, and bow often.

Around me the trees stir in their leaves
and call out, “Stay awhile.”
The light flows from their branches.

And they call again, “It's simple,” they say,
“and you too have come
into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled
with light, and to shine.”