Living in the Both/And

We in the spiritual direction biz use the term: "Both And" frequently.  I just looked it up and the definition was: 

"Both And is a concept which refers to a form of resaoning which resists binary or either/or styles of thinking."  It is non dual and part of the contemplative journey is learning how to sit with seemingly opposing thoughts and feelings.  That is how it is for me these days.

Like I wait for my first chemo treatment on Monday with a combination of faith and fear.  Both.  Not necessarily at the same time.   I feel pretty darn good these days and this morning - like Monday I played pickleball with my friends and really enjoyed everything about it..  I know that there is cancer residing in my body, but my body can still really enjoy the experience of keeping my eye on the ball, moving back and forth and whacking the heck out of the ball.  I love pickleball and even as my mind knows "I have cancer" - I have fun. And for a moment - or a couple of hours - I forget that everything changed two weeks ago in the emergency room at OSU.

Several people called me yesterday and I told them how good I felt and grateful that I am able to get chemo so quickly and really "all will be well."  

This morning I woke up with a sense of dread and found myself thinking about the chemo with the wondering about the possible side effects.  And then the hair loss and how that will be for me.  I have watched other women go through this - including my sister and my mother - but this is me, now.  The thought of it fills me with dread.  And then there is the surgery that will happen in about 10 weeks.  How will that be ?  How long will the recovery be?  I hate to think about it and for the most part I don't.

Except the thoughts come and go - like clouds in the sky.  The thoughts of gratitude and grace and blessing and hope and the thoughts that bring worry and angst and concern.  It is the both and of waiting, the both and of cancer, the both and of life itself, I guess.

So, when someone talks to me about this I wonder which thought is dominating in this moment because that will make a difference of who you might encounter.  But all of it is real.  I get it.

I found myself thinking about one of my favorite prayers/poems by Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  I will post it here - Who Am I?  The faithful confident prayer warrior or the worried anxious tearful Margot.  I am, of course both.  Both And.

Who am I? They often tell me
I would step from my cell’s confinement 
calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They often tell me
I would talk to my warders
freely and friendly and clearly,
as though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me
I would bear the days of misfortune
equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I know of myself,
restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
yearning for colours, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
thirsting for words of kindness, for neighbourliness,
trembling with anger at despotism and petty humiliation,
tossing in expectation of great events,
powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making, 
faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
fleeing in disorder from a victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, thou knowest, O God, I am thine.