My Morning Routine

I am a morning person and I look forward to every day.  Part of it is my routine.  When I go downstairs the first thing I do is make coffee.  Then I take my morning pills and my blood pressure.  By that time, the coffee is ready and I sit down to do my puzzles, 

I subscribe to the New York Times daily puzzles and it is an investment in sanity for me.

What the puzzles do for me is to help me to use my brain in ways that give me  great satisfaction.  I start with Spelling Bee and after I have made some progress I move to Wordle.  My opening word is always ARISE and usually I am able to discern the word.  (My stats are 97% success)  Then I go back to spelling bee and usually get a few more words and then on to the mini crossword.  I do it as quickly as I can and it can be frustrating because my fingers don’t work as fast as my mind does.  Then I go  back to spelling bee where I look at the hints.  At this point I am usually “Great” or “Amazing.”  If I am not yet a genius, I will l glance at it throughout the day.   At some point in the morning, John comes by and we do "Connections" together.  It is usually very gratifying as we talk through the various meanings of  words that  can link them together.   It can also be frustrating as the answers contain information that we literally don’t know – like hip hop artists or cartoon characters. Our win statistic is 88% so we have room for growth.

Every time I solve a puzzle,  I share it with the girls on the text we all do in the morning.  So, it is definitely a way to connect even though it is pretty superficial.  On reflection, what puzzles do for me is present a problem that actually has a solution.  And usually I get it.  It helps me with my “dementia watch” - but it also almost gives me a sense of grounding.  There is a problem and there is a solution.  

The rest of my life is not so clear.  I take pills and I take my blood pressure because of the cancer.  I am now on a third kind of chemo whose side effect is to raise my blood pressure which is already high.  So morning and evening I am monitoring it - hoping that it will be under 150.  Otherwise, getting the chemo is in question.  If there is one thing I have learned through this cancer journey is that I carry more anxiety than I ever knew.   These days every time I take my blood pressure, I try to consciously relax and breathe.  My default seems to be  tension and worry,

The problem is cancer and the solution is very much in question.  There is so much that I don't know and don't get to know.  I don't know when the next chemo is; I don't know whether the chemo is working; I don't know if I will have surgery again.  I don't know if I am going to survive this.  I live in “I don't know.”

But my morning routine helps.  I get to connect with my husband and my daughters.  And I get to live in the reality  that some problems - like what is the  "Wordle" word - are actually solvable and knowable.

If only that were true of cancer.