My Fifth Chemo

And lots of anxiety.  

Wednesday I had my fifth chemo.  It turns out that there will be two more - one the day before Thanksgiving and one mid December.  Then I will go into surgery again in January.  This is part of the anxiety.  It is called "debulking" and it will help to literally remove the cancer in bulk.  And that should help bring down my "numbers" which appear to have plateaued.  That is another source of anxiety.

And then there is my blood pressure.  The third chemo that I am on raises my already high blood pressure.  Friday I was on the phone with the nurse getting yet another medication to try to bring the high numbers down.  It is a real struggle and yet another source of anxiety.

Finally, there is the intermittent problems I have with insomnia.  Two nights ago I was up for a couple of hours and last night it seemed like I did not sleep at all.  I am sure I did - and at least I rested.  None of this is good for blood pressure and contributes to anxiety. 

So, there you have it.  I am waiting for the next three "bad days" to pass so I can get back to being "me" again - or the variation of me that is hopeful and somewhat optimistic and more peaceful.  Instead of fretful, anxious and scared.  Now I wait and pray and rest and trust that somehow in ways I cannot imagine right now - all will be well.

And I AM going to talk to the doctor this week about sleeping pills and other meds.  I need help.

I was grateful to read this practice.  It has been helpful.

James Finley guides us through a contemplative practice that anchors us in the transformative love of God:

In this contemplative practice, sit and renew your awareness that you’re sitting in the presence of God all about you and within you. As you inhale, inhale God’s silent “I love you,” in which God is being poured out and utterly given away to you as the miracle of your very life. Then when you exhale, exhale yourself in love: “I love you.” And so, we are breathing along with God, “I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.” From the reciprocity of love, destiny is fulfilled, and the foundations of suffering are healed.

As we sit this way, suffering arises. The suffering then might be our anxiety and concerns today, for ourselves, for our loved ones, for the world. As we sit in the midst of the arising of the anxiety, when we inhale, we inhale this love of God loving us through and through, anxiety and all, finding no hindrance in our anxiety, loving us so unexplainably forever. Then when we exhale, we exhale ourselves in love, anxiety and all, to the love that loves us. This requires gentle perseverance, because anxiety arises again. It doesn’t automatically go away. We sit with it, we lean into it again, and we hold fast to this love that sustains us in the midst of things….

This practice, then, experientially grounds us in this love wisdom. This love wisdom—grounded in practice—empowers us to go out and share this with other people in the circumstances in which we find ourselves.

So......in the midst of facing a lot of unknowns and the resulting anxiety - All will be well, right?

On Facebook there was a helpful reading by James Finley