It is a mystery

Every time I have chemo I have the same reaction.  There are three days in which I am gradually getting more tired.  There is often one or two nights of insomnia and then a lot of sleeping.  I sleep on the couch, in front of the TV, I go to bed early.  I wake up and I am tired and feel myself dragging through the day. 

There is now the added tension of tracking my blood pressure which adds to the stress and anxiety.  I wrote about this - as I have several times over the past months.  It is not just physical issues, but also emotional and spiritual as I feel a sense of despair take over especially as I look forward   to surgery in January.  How will I do this?

And today is Thursday and I am in a completely different place now.  I wake up feeling well and look forward to going to my Peer Group today and participating in life.  It is amazing how the despair melts away as the energy comes back and sleep restores me and all is well.  It is a mystery.  

 I have been thinking a lot about helplessness lately.  I, of course, experience it in my health as I don't know what is happening inside my body right now.  I don't know what is going to happen the next time I get my blood work done.  I don't know what will happen with the surgery. 

 Really, the blood pressure is an example of how this works.  There is a part of me that doesn't want to be helpless - instead I try to fix it with deep breathing or praying or drinking green tea or laying on my side.  I try everything that people suggest.  No one wants me to be helpless - there must be some way I can control this.  All of which leads to a deep frustration with myself.  I keep hearing that I have to have a good attitude - that will make all the difference people tell me.  And I do and I don't.

Yesterday before I did spiritual direction I glanced through the Pema Chodren book "When Things Fall Apart" and came across this quote

"If we are willing to give up the hope that insecurity and pain can be exterminated, then we can have the courage to rest in the groundlessness of our situation."

I have these conflicting thoughts these days.  Can I accept the helplessness and at the same time believe that there is divine guidance and healing?  Are they in opposition to each other.  To give up the hope that insecurity and pain can be eliminated is not the same as giving up hope.   And I guess the hope is in the existence and power of love.

The last few days have been full of a lot of love directed toward me and John.  I have received meals from friends and family, a pie from a friend, chocolate covered strawberries and the great affection of my pickleball gang.  Yesterday I came back to paddle taps after six weeks away and was greeted by so much love.  I played a little bit and 20 of us had lunch together.  Just writing about it brings me to tears.  Love sustains me these days and fills me with wonder and awe.

So, the helplessness is real and so is the love.  Both And? 

It is a mystery.