I am writing this from home, Thank God. I got home yesterday from the hospital and am sitting at the computer and feeling somewhat like myself. Dressed and fed and with my wig on. Looking good.
I also have an long abdominal incision from the surgery. The disappointment is that it was not the surgery I expected. The doctor came in after an hour and said that the cancer was extensive and would require removal of the colon and so she shut it down.
The past week has been pretty hard in the hospital. Even though I was trying to eat lightly and sensibly after surgery - it was too much and I got sick. That meant two days of no food and drink and trying to have my system both settle down and "wake up." Eventually I started eating again and was deemed ready to go home yesterday.
At the same time John has had his own challenges this week with both sciatica and breathing problems and respiratory issues that landed him briefly in the emergency room. So, right now, we are both feeling pretty good by comparison to that!
The silver lining is that the chemo has been working and we are going to continue with that for the next few months. My prayer is that the chemo will be the miracle that I need. My numbers on the CA 125 test have been going down every month and that is a very good thing.
The surgery that was planned was daunting and while I was ready for it, I was not looking forward to it. The aftermath of this surgery is truly hard enough as I wait for this incision to heal and staples to be removed in a couple of weeks and finding my way back to real health. I am grateful that she did not go forward in light of what she learned on Tuesday.
And so I live in a new hope. I have learned much through this time. First of all, and most importantly, I have learned that I am surrounded by love - of friends and family and husband. I have received numerous texts, cards and calls which remind me that I am not alone. I have learned that healing requires real slowing down of everything and a willingness to ask for help at times. That is hard for a woman who likes to move fast and be independent, but that is clearly the way forward. I have learned that God keeps showing up in the nurses and other caregivers at the hospital. It is like a little ray of light in the midst of the darkness. Often recognized in retrospect but very, very real.
The doctor has suggested that we go back to chemo and then the surgery again in a few months. I don't know whether that will happen - whether I am up for it. I don;t need to know right now - I need to - wait for it - LIVE IN THE MOMENT. Never easy - but that of course is the answer.
And the moments at home - the beauty of an autumn day, the blessing of children and grandchildren visiting and doing my laundry, the constant reassurance from friends are just aspects of God's light at work in the midst of it all. The clouds are real in my life - but so is the silver lining.
I cling to the hope that I find there.
Do you remember this song?
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