Waiting

I don't think that this is the first post I have titled "Waiting."  That is my continual status.

Right now I am waiting for more healing for this long incision in my abdomen.  On the one hand, I wait with curiosity.  It is fascinating to see how the skin actually comes together after being severed.  The body really does want to heal and there are places that seem seamless.  On the other hand, I wait with dread.  There are many staples and some of them look suspiciously pink.  I watch for infection.  All I want is healing and live with the unrealistic dream of going back to "normal."

Monday I will have another chemo treatment - this time adding a third chemo to the blend.  I have gotten used to the process in the past and hope that this will be manageable.  I also will have my staples removed which causes me some anxiety, but what are you going to do?  It is a step forward.  That is what it is all about.

Meanwhile I fluctuate between hope and doubt with a deep sense of sadness underneath everything.  At the same time (the eternal "both and") I am aware of the many blessings of my unique life.  Not everyone gets to find love AGAIN in their seventies and not everyone has children who live close by, And my friends are far and wide and a source of constant support.  As I titled one blog entry: Life is Hard; Life is Beautiful."

And so I wait, wait, wait not knowing how this story is going to unfold.  Living through doubt, fear, hope, gratitude and faith.  Trusting always that " All will be well"

I found this quote by Pema Chodren which speaks to me this morning:

“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. 

They come together and they fall apart.

 Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. 

The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”
Pema Chödrön