A glimpse of hope

In many ways I feel more hopeful than I have since I was diagnosed with cancer almost a year ago.  Tomorrow I start with a new chemo.  It just may work.

For the past two months I have been an maintenance chemo and watched my numbers on the fateful CA 125 test go up.  This is not a good thing.  I thought Dr. Backes was going to recommend a clinical trial. Instead she proposed a different chemo.  A new chemo.

John had done research and found that there was a new chemo that had just been approved by the FDA in March.  It was expensive but he wanted her to consider it.  He was willing to pay for anything that would work.  It turns out that this chemo - Elahare - is what she was recommending.  What amazes me is that it was not even available when I was originally diagnosed in July 2024.  And I just got a letter from Aetna saying that it is covered by insurance.  It feels like a real miracle.  One of many I have experienced on this challenging cancer journey.

Yesterday I saw an eye doctor to have a baseline exam.  One of the side effects of this is blurry vision and they will be monitoring my eyesight before every infusion.  This all makes me feel well cared for and hopeful.  Maybe the numbers will go down.  There is hope.

Saturday I went to Camp Christian as my 10 year old granddaughter Maggie had the closing "ceremony" after a week of Otter Camp.  I heard  her and the other campers sing songs  and I watched pictures of their activities of the week.  It was all so familiar to me as I have spent over 25 years of my life counseling and being an assistant director at various camps.  I have watched kids come together and have fun and experience an acceptance  and a feeling of love they don't always get at home and school.  Being at camp has been one of the blessings of my life.  It really is a week bathed in prayer and God' love.

I thought as I watched everyone that this is part of my legacy to my family.  All of my daughters have been both campers and counselors.  Audrey was this week.  All of my grandchildren have experienced camp in some form or fashion beginning with Grandparents Camp  I have no idea what they have taken away from it, but what has stuck with me has been the singing.  I want this music to get inside Maggie's soul so she can remember it as I do.  I want her to find herself  humming a song that speaks of God's love.  

I think about what has gotten me through this year of struggle and sometimes fear and sometimes despair.  It is the reminder that I am not alone and that - in ways I often cannot see in the moment - God is with me and guiding me through the valley.  

And giving  me hope.

 A word from Emily Dickenson

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me