And the road to recovery........

Whatever that looks like.  

Both John and I are recuperating - me from surgery and him from the effects of a brain bleed.  What I notice about recovery first of all, is that it is slow.  Much slower than I expect and much slower than I like. I am ready to play pickleball mentally but unable to move very fast these days.  And after a little bit of exercise or movement I am tired again.  It is just not time. 

I have learned that walking up stairs takes energy and so does doing laundry and putting together a meal.  What surprises me the most is how much energy it takes to talk and engage with people.  I am usually only good for two hours with the family eating and playing a game and then it is time for them to leave. 

And so the word is always PATIENCE.  Patience with my body and patience with myself.  There is always the problem of my inner voice that says - "you should be doing more.  You are lazy.  You are irresponsible."  That is a lifelong companion and at a time like this is not helpful.  

One of the wrinkles of this time of recuperation is that John has not be cleared for driving.  He has double vision at times and will need to take some cognitive tests to be allowed to drive.   This means that I do all the driving - which is okay for the most part.  Honestly, if you spent any time with me, you would know that I am my favorite driver - so it really is okay.  However, it means I go to all his doctor's appointments as well as my own - that keeps me busy. We have spent a couple of hours waiting for our cars to get tune ups and I have gotten a lot of reading done then.

John noticed that I currently am reading two books with surrender in the title: Surrendered - the sacred art by Rami Shapiro and the Surrender experiment by Michael Singer.  I am in the process of reading them slowly.  Patiently.  What I know is that living patiently waiting for healing is a subset of a life of living surrendered.  I have a lot of ways to resist the reality of the patience necessary for recuperation.  I push myself  with expectations that are in ways that are not healthy and I engage in a myriad numbing activities so I don't have to be present to the waiting time.  Living surrendered is being present to the moment as it is and living in trust that "all will be well."  I wish I were there.

I thought I would share how Rami Shapiro describes living surrendered:

 - Living surrendered is being genuine - feeling your feelings without hesitation, thinking your thoughts without reservation and staying present to it all.

 - Living surrender is awakening to truth, your essential nature, the good and the bad, and finding yourself at home with what is.

- Living surrendered is having your arms opened wide enough to embrace everything, even as you cling to nothing.;

 - Living surrendered is holding nothing back, abandoning your escape route, not looking for alternatives, not thinking things can be or should be other than they are in this moment.

 - Living surrendered is seeing without distortion or deception, and knowing that it is possible to have an unconditional relationship with this moment and this moment and this moment. 

 - Living surrendered is stepping out of hiding and abandoning refuge in security and confirmation, in affirmations and fantasies.

 - Living surrendered is going beyond what is comfortable, safe and secure.

 - Living surrendered is free.  But it costs you everything!