Groundlessness

I am listening to some talks by Pema Chodren titled "Living Beautifully With Uncertainty and Change."

I am living with uncertainty and change - but I wouldn't say "beautifully."  It is quite a challenge these days.  John is starting his second week at Dodd Hall and today I will learn of the plan for his release.  There is definitely uncertainty and change here.  Will he be walking with a walker?  Will he be able to go up the stairs to our bathroom and our bedroom?  Do I need to put a hospital bed in the den?  Can he be alone?  What help to we need?  

These are the questions that may be answered.  There is the big question - how long will it take for his brain bleed to heal and what will this new life look like.  And then there is my cancer.  I will have blood work done this week and will find out how much the cancer has progressed or diminished since my last chemo.  The date of the surgery is now February 20th and it is coming whether I like it or not. 

I am living in groundlessness.  I found this quote by her:

But it’s not impermanence per se, or even knowing we’re going to die, that is the cause of our suffering, the Buddha taught. 

Rather, it’s our resistance to the fundamental uncertainty of our situation. Our discomfort arises from all of our efforts to put ground under our feet, to realize our dream of constant okayness. 

When we resist change, it’s called suffering. But when we can completely let go and not struggle against it, when we can embrace the groundlessness of our situation and relax into its dynamic quality, that’s called enlightenment, or awakening to our true nature, to our fundamental goodness. 

Another word for this is freedom-freedom from struggling against the fundamental ambiguity of being human.

 I find wisdom from Buddhism that gives me a sense of peace about my reality at this time. It speaks of a universal truth about life - my life, John's life and everyone else's. I listen to Pema Chodren and it helps but it also is about living with these uncomfortable feelings and they are hard - fear, anxiety, free floating grief. 

 I try to see the little moments of "miracles" and experience the love that surrounds me - but it is challenging.  It is adapting to the groundlessness of life.  Facing it - I can't welcome it - but I accept it.  I like to intellectualize and "figure it out"  .  but I don't like feeling the fear.  I don't.. 

But I find hope in my Christian belief that God is with me strengthening me, guiding me and healing me - even though I often feel alone and adrift.  

Isaiah 41:10

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"