My new normal

 For the next two weeks John is at Dodd Hall receiving intensive therapy following his fall.  I am living alone in the house and it is very different for me.

He was at the brain and spine hospital for eleven days.  After I recovered from the flu I was spending 4 to 6 hours a day with him there.  It was physically and emotionally exhausting for me (and also for him!) as we lived through the questions of what next?  How much damage did the fall do? Where will he go now?We were blessed to be accepted into the program at Dodd and already he is feeling stronger and developing strategies for coming home next week.  I am very hopeful. 

He has therapy until two o clock in the afternoon and then I come to visit.  This is a manageable schedule for me and I finally am getting rested.  My surgery has been postponed until February 11th or the 13th which enables us to figure out how we are going to make this work.  One problem is that John will not be cleared for driving right away and after surgery I will not be able to drive.  I know that friends and family and Uber will help.  This is one more "lesson" in dependence which is hard for us.  What I know is that the answers will come in due time.

In the meantime my doctor told me I should get stronger for my surgery and I am determined.  Yesterday I played pickleball for the first time in over a month.  I am blessed by my group that has been so kind to me throughout this cancer journey.  I felt nervous about playing but it all does come back and while I have less energy - I know this is a healing place for me. Body, mind, and soul.  I plan to play three times a week until the surgery.

Because John is at Dodd, I have been given time to play pickleball, and to pray and to read and to clean the house.  There is a strangeness and a loneliness to living in the house without John.  And surely he is lonely in a hospital.  Yesterday I texted him a picture of the sunset over Hoover - with the words "We will get our life back."

Yet, I welcome  a definite  schedule and for these next two weeks I feel a sense of peace.  John is where he needs to be and I am where I need to be.  And God is holding us and healing us.

Big Ups and Big Downs

A week ago John and I returned from the cruise with the kids.  If you are on facebook, you might have seen the pictures that they posted.  It was a lot of fun, food, rest, and family.  The only drawback for us was that John's sciatica continued to be an issue and there was a lot of walking on the ship itself to go back and forth from the room.  He was a trooper and we really enjoyed the time away.

A highlight for me were some special meals with first Audrey and her friend Morgan and then with Marnie and Erik. The specialty restaurants were really excellent and there is nothing like being with my kids in an environment where we can really talk to fill my soul. We played trivia most every day and the last day we actually won with Audrey.  We took interesting tours of both San Juan and Dominican Republic which were great.  When we got off the bus in San Juan we ran into Marnie and her family and I was able to join the girls for lunch and shopping while John went back to the boat with Erik and Maggie.  It was real serendipity.  Lots of blessings!

On the way home John fell out of a bus in Orlando which was not good.  That was only the beginning.  When we got home, it was clear that I had a cough and a runny nose which kept getting worse.  By Monday I had a fever and it looked like I would not be able to have my surgery Tuesday.  Monday night we went to the urgent care and it was determined that I had Type A Flu.  Early that morning I fainted twice.  In the middle of that - when I was upstairs recovering I heard a thump and John had fallen and hit his head.  I called 911 and he was then taken to the emergency room.  We still don't know why he fell - did he faint? pass out? what?

Long story short - he is currently at OSU's Brain and Spine Hospital recovering from a brain bleed.  I am so happy that he really is recovering.  After many CT scans his hematoma is stable and he is able to talk and he seems like himself.  It has been a long and hard week.  For the first two days I could not see him because of the flu.  I was down and out on Tuesday and finally coming back.  I have been with him on and off for the last few days and watched his recovering.  It is heartening.

I don't yet what the future is going to bring.  The doctor says that he will need rehab.  I worry about his muscles atrophying after a week in bed and they are not walking him.  He got no physical therapy yesterday and who knows about today or tomorrow which is a holiday.  These are the kinds of concerns i have.  I have yet to have my surgery rescheduled.  They are waiting for me to be free of the flu.  And I have no idea how all will work with that.

Everybody tells me to stay in the present and that is what I try to do - because the future is so uncertain and much of it is out my hands.  There is - as usual - a lot of waiting for healing.  When I googled "brain bleeds" it said that the recovery can be days, weeks, months, if at all.  So, we are doing really well by those standards.

What I do see is a lot of mini miracles in the midst of the dark times.  We were so blessed that there was a bed for him at OSU.  When he left Tuesday he went to St Ann's hospital and their protocol was to take him to yet another hospital in their system.  That was the first miracle.

My girls came to my assistance immediately and spent the day and Kacey spent the night with me initially.  That was so helpful.  I was told that if I fainted again I should go to the emergency room.  Thank God I didn't and am getting better every day.

I have been concerned about the snow and ice at my home and was so delighted to find a neighbor her taking care of salting my walkway yesterday and Audrey provided me salt.  And Nikki showed up and shoveled around my car to get me a clear path to go back to the hospital today.  I had a friend drive me to the hospital Thursday when I couldn't and neighbors watching our dog.  So, I feel held my the love and prayers.

I wait in anticipation for what is coming next.  I trust that all will be well and as my Spiritual Director Loretta says: "God's got this!"

A Grand Distraction

 Ever since my next surgery has been scheduled, that date - January 14th - has been a focus for me.  Whether I like it or not.  The thought of another surgery is daunting.  I go into this one with my eyes wide open.  I know that Dr. Backes will not know what she will find until she "opens me up" That's a phrase I really do not like.

There are so many unknowns about this surgery.  It is going to be a hysterectomy and a "De bulking" and maybe more depending on the extensiveness of the cancer that remains.  I know that the chemo has done something - but the question is how much?  And what will be the aftermath?  What will the recovery be like?  Will I need help? These are the questions that I live with.

I wish I could compartmentalize but I really can't.  The reality is that it is coming.  However, I can distract myself and I find lots of ways - TV, movies, games, But this week - the week before the surgery I am blessed by a grand distraction.  We are going on a cruise.

It feels like a miracle.  I signed us up for the cruise nine months ago to celebrate Marnie's upcoming 50th birthday. When the cancer journey began we thought everything would be over by mid December and I could go.  It was after the first surgery that it seemed that my plans had to change.  I was resigned to cancelling it because I had learned that I was to have a second surgery in January probably at the beginning of the month.  However, I kept putting off actually cancelling it.  Thank God.  Three weeks ago I learned that the surgery was  January 14th which meant we could actually go.  And we are!

Tomorrow John and I leave for Orlando Florida and Saturday we board the Norwegian EPIC ship with family and friends for what I know will be a memorable week together.  So I am looking forward to playing bingo and trivia and a little bit of the slots and sitting on a balcony and looking at the ocean.  I am looking forward to Islands and beautiful sights and sounds that you can only experience in the Caribbean.  I am looking forward to being away. I am looking forward to laughing with my daughters and dancing with my husband. I am looking forward to being distracted and not thinking about you know what.

May it be so!