Falling Down and Getting Up

This is the book that I just ordered and started reading.  Audrey had recommended Mark Nepo and I thought it was time to try to focus myself.  The title is: Falling Down and Getting Up: Discovering your Inner Resilience and Strength.  That is where I am.  I actually am rediscovering my resilience - finally.

He writes this: "A spiritual warrior is one who remains committed to the removal of confusion within us and between us.  In truth, healing often begins by removing what's in the way within us, while justice often begins by removing what's in the way between us."

One of the questions for reflection was to describe a confusion that exists within you and how you might begin to clear that confusion.

I believe that in the last week or so, I have greater clarity about my cancer journey.  At my peer group on Thursday I was able to put into words what is happening within me.  Surprisingly, the whole quest for healing has been a source of confusion.  I pray and I know that others pray for my healing.  Remove this cancer so that I might "get my life back."  At the same time, I believe that the healing is random.  I don't deserve it - nobody "deserves" healing.  We receive it as grace.  So I pray and wonder about everything.

What I now understand is that regardless of "healing" - (removal of cancer kind of healing) - God is still at work reforming me and strengthening me and deepening my faith and my love.  It has been six months and I have experienced "shifts" within me along the way.  This week, Joanna, from my church,  came to give me "pastoral  care" and I was just able to sit and tell the story of my life since July 4th.  In the telling of the story I recognized the many ways in which I have been blessed and graced by God.  It was such a blessing to just be able to see it and say it.  This is in the midst of what feels like consistent bad news - losing my hair, having surgery, extensive cancer, concerns about the aftermath of the coming surgery etc.

So, this morning I wrote in my journal about how I would now describe the confusion within me and it is this: living with the inconsistencies - my own inconsistencies.  I move between faith and fear and while this morning I am filled with gratitude and trust - who knows how it will be next week after chemo.  I fall down and then I get up again.  

This is what I wrote today -   I know that:

 -  As hard as it is, Living in the present is the key

 -  God will ultimately  give me what I need

 - I need to acknowledge my fear and doubt as it comes

 - I need to forgive myself for being weak and afraid

- Ultimately I am resilient.

 - It is a lonely journey and yet it is communal.

 - The support group reminds me that other women are experiencing the devastation, degradation and losses that ovarian cancer brings and still are able to embrace life.

 - I live in gratitude for all that I have experienced in my life:  Having children I adore, falling in love, a fulfilling career and deep friendships. 

I am getting UP this morning.  I am resilient. I am a warrior.