Falling Down and Getting Up

This is the book that I just ordered and started reading.  Audrey had recommended Mark Nepo and I thought it was time to try to focus myself.  The title is: Falling Down and Getting Up: Discovering your Inner Resilience and Strength.  That is where I am.  I actually am rediscovering my resilience - finally.

He writes this: "A spiritual warrior is one who remains committed to the removal of confusion within us and between us.  In truth, healing often begins by removing what's in the way within us, while justice often begins by removing what's in the way between us."

One of the questions for reflection was to describe a confusion that exists within you and how you might begin to clear that confusion.

I believe that in the last week or so, I have greater clarity about my cancer journey.  At my peer group on Thursday I was able to put into words what is happening within me.  Surprisingly, the whole quest for healing has been a source of confusion.  I pray and I know that others pray for my healing.  Remove this cancer so that I might "get my life back."  At the same time, I believe that the healing is random.  I don't deserve it - nobody "deserves" healing.  We receive it as grace.  So I pray and wonder about everything.

What I now understand is that regardless of "healing" - (removal of cancer kind of healing) - God is still at work reforming me and strengthening me and deepening my faith and my love.  It has been six months and I have experienced "shifts" within me along the way.  This week, Joanna, from my church,  came to give me "pastoral  care" and I was just able to sit and tell the story of my life since July 4th.  In the telling of the story I recognized the many ways in which I have been blessed and graced by God.  It was such a blessing to just be able to see it and say it.  This is in the midst of what feels like consistent bad news - losing my hair, having surgery, extensive cancer, concerns about the aftermath of the coming surgery etc.

So, this morning I wrote in my journal about how I would now describe the confusion within me and it is this: living with the inconsistencies - my own inconsistencies.  I move between faith and fear and while this morning I am filled with gratitude and trust - who knows how it will be next week after chemo.  I fall down and then I get up again.  

This is what I wrote today -   I know that:

 -  As hard as it is, Living in the present is the key

 -  God will ultimately  give me what I need

 - I need to acknowledge my fear and doubt as it comes

 - I need to forgive myself for being weak and afraid

- Ultimately I am resilient.

 - It is a lonely journey and yet it is communal.

 - The support group reminds me that other women are experiencing the devastation, degradation and losses that ovarian cancer brings and still are able to embrace life.

 - I live in gratitude for all that I have experienced in my life:  Having children I adore, falling in love, a fulfilling career and deep friendships. 

I am getting UP this morning.  I am resilient. I am a warrior.

Becoming Something New

This morning I read Richard Rohr's devotional and was stopped in my tracks.  The meditation by Ilia Delio spoke to my soul.  The line : "For we shall become something new together."

This journey with cancer has been difficult and it has changed my prayer life.  For years I woke up and read a morning devotion and prayed and wrote in a journal.  That practice ended when I was diagnosed and I have felt like I have been floating and ungrounded but still resisted.  My theology is clear and has not changed:  I believe that God is love and God is with us always - within and without.  God is guiding, strengthening and healing.  I never ask - why me or expect that I deserve a life free of suffering.  God is here and God is mystery.  This reading is exactly on point for where my faith has evolved to over the years.

The difference is my felt experience.  I have been numb and distracted and scared.  At the same time I believe  - in my head - that God is with me and I have felt greatly supported by the love expressed by so many people over these months.  I now know that the prayers of others can make a real difference.  You pray for me when I can't or won't pray for myself. And in the mystery of God's love, it helps me.

However to become something new is to relinquish the old.  And that is what I don't want to do.  I just want to be "back to normal."  Back to having energy, and hair, and a fuller life.  There is something new that God has for me.   I write this blog and I do ruminate.  I want to have a record of this process of becoming - this infinitesimal process of letting go and what was and who I was and trusting the "something new" that I am becoming.

This truly is a cancer "Journey" and right now I am experiencing the season of Advent - waiting in the darkness for the new life that is coming.  May I trust it.

The Christic  

I am looking at a tree, but I see such astounding beauty and  
graciousness, the tree must be You, O God, 
I look at the wild weeds playing across the fields, and their 
wild joyful freedom speaks to me of You, O God. 
Yesterday, I saw a child crying alone on a busy corner, and  
the tears were real, and I thought, you must be crying, O God. 
God, you are the mystery within every leaf and grain of sand, 
in every face, young and old, you are the light and beauty  
of every person.  
You are Love itself.  
Will we ever learn our true meaning, our true identity?  
Will we ever really know that we humans are created for  
love?  
For it is love alone that moves the sun and stars 
and everything in between.  

We are trying too hard to find You, but You are already here,  
We are seeking life without You, but You are already within,  
Our heads are in the sand, our eyes are blinded by darkness,  
our minds are disoriented in our desperate search 
for meaning.  
Because You are not what we think You are:  
You are mystery.  
You are here and You are not, 
You are me and You are not,  
You are now and You are not, 
You are what we will become.  
You are the in-between mystery 
The infinite potential of infinite love,  
And it is not yet clear what You shall be,  
For we shall become something new together.  

 

More of the same

I have not written for a while and much as happened and still it is the same.

The day before Thanksgiving I had a chemo infusion and then John and I drove to Camp Christian where we rented the lodge for three days.  We had dinner with the family and played games and drove home.

The next day, Thanksgiving, we drove back.  We had a wonderful breakfast with everyone followed by more games and then the big feast.  After the feast we had our first annual - will there be a second?) family talent show.  What fun!  All three girls sang separately - Kacey a Taylor Swift song, Marnie, a duet with Erik and Audrey a folk song about the pagans and Christians.  I sang a song - to the tune of my Favorite things - and John told jokes throughout.  It was silly and fun for everyone.  We went home about 4:30 and proceeded to crash.  We slept for three hours just sitting in the couch!

It was a great Thanksgiving and really messed up my sleep.  I have again been through the roller coaster ride of insomnia, lack of energy, hopelessness that happens in the bad days.  I wish I could write that it gets better - but it doesn't.  It just is what it is.

So, now I am three days into feeling better and ready to get back on the pickleball court, although I feel like the cumulative effect of the chemo brings me to a new normal.  

Last night I attended the virtual support group for women with gynecological cancers and it was good for me.  There were women who have completed treatment and are living pretty normal lives.  There were others who were in "maintenance" and one who was in hospice.  One woman is looking at the same surgery that I am facing in January and her response is so similar to mine.  There were some very practical suggestions about managing anxiety from people who have been there.  I felt inspired and strengthened by the examples that they are of accepting this life now - finding coping strategies and managing the energy loss and LIVING.

The surgery has been scheduled and it is January 14th.  That means that John and I are going to be able to join the kids on a cruise to the Caribbean to celebrate Marnie's 50th birthday.  I move in between anxiety about how it will be - with John's sciatica and my issues - and excitement about getting out of town and being with the family. The mood swings, I guess, are just part of who I am.  A ton of fun.  

So, I am including the words to my song that I wrote for Thanksgiving - I need to focus on the blessings - and they are many.  As the surgery in January looms large.

My favorite things

Spelling bee, wordle and coffee with cream

Connections with John and  a hot morning shower

Writing to Susan and hearing a song

These are a few of my favorite things

 

Texting the connor girls every morning

Listening to podcasts and Audrey’s phone calls,

Smacking the ball on the pickleboard court

These are a few of my favorite things

 

When there’s chemo

When the bucks lose

When I’m feeling bad

I simply remember my favorite things and then I don’t feel so bad

 

Watching the laughter of Nora and Maggie

Lunching with Addie and Reagan and Hailey

Sharing the Tea with Alyse and her Mom

These are a few of my favorite things

 

Stories from Jackson, Brett coming to Trivia,

Dogs grilled  by Erik and Gossip from Marnie

Sitting with John seeing stunning sunsets

These are a few of my favorite things

 

When there’s chemo

When the bucks lose

When I’m feeling bad

I simply remember my favorite things and then I don’t feel so bad