This morning I thought about what I learned from Walter Brueggemann decades ago about "Orientation, Disorientation, Reorientation." That is his classification of the Psalms. That is the rhythm of life - similar to life, death, and resurrection.
Brueggemann further suggests that human beings regularly find themselves in one of three places:
- a place of orientation, in which everything makes sense in our lives;
- a place of disorientation, in which we feel we have sunk into the pit; and
- a place of new orientation, in which we realize that God has lifted us out of the pit and we are in a new place full of gratitude and awareness about our lives and our God.
That has surely been my journey for the past three months. July 4th was the day that I first heard the word carcinoma applied to me and it immediately led me into a time of fear, confusion, despair and grief i.e. the "pit" This blog has been a testament to that.
Yesterday I had my fourth chemo and the first following the surgery two weeks ago. I had a long conversation with Tammy, the nurse practitioner, and feel like I am getting some clarity about what is coming. And knowledge is power and peace giving. For me, anyway.
I know now that I do not have cancer of the lining of the stomach. I had feared that because it was listed on the mychart and I talked it through with the nurse practitioner who assured me that I have ovarian cancer which is - while aggressive - not the death sentence that I thought the other was.
She says that likely after I finish everything - chemo - surgery and then maybe more chemo - I will go on a maintenance chemo for a couple of years. That will only take a half hour infusion - unlike the 8 hours we spent yesterday.
And yesterday was really not bad. I was able to read a quarter of a book and John sat with me and worked on his stock portfolio and went to Panera to bring back lunch. It was really a good day.
The past three month have truly been a time of disorientation. And I have learned and experienced a lot. I have experienced chemo, the loss of my hair, and had an aborted surgery which resulted in a long scar in my abdomen. I guess you can say I have been changed outside and in. I have learned about nausea meds and stool softeners and monitored my blood pressure and lived through the no energy days.
I have certainly learned about being on the receiving end of love and care from others. I has been humbling and gratifying and beyond words. Right now, people are bringing us meals and it has been a gift that I didn't realize I needed. My living room is graced with gorgeous blankets made by Eileen and Melanie which keep me warm body and soul.
And so, slowly I am turning the corner into reorientation. Living this new life that will include regular chemo treatments and lots of pills and an "iffy" hair situation. And trivia nights with family and pickleball and game nights and church and and spiritual direction and lunch with friends, and eventually trips with John. It is a new life - with the emphasis on LIFE.
I thought I would end with a prayer by Walter Brueggemann
We say, "Yes, yes"
Holy God, to whom we turn in our trouble,
And from whom we receive life and well-being….
We gladly and without reservation assert:
You are the one who gives life;
You are the one who hears our prayers;
You are the one who turns our jungles of threat
into peaceable zones of life.
You are the one who has kept us since birth,
who stands by us in our failure and shame;
who stands against our anxiety to make us free.
You are the one who does not hide your face when we call.
So we praise you. We worship you. We adore you.
We yield our life over to you in glad thanksgiving….
As an act of praise, we submit more and more
Of our own life to you;
As an act of praise we notice your poor,
And pledge our energy on their behalf;
As an act of praise we say “yes” to you and to your rule over us.
We say “yes, yes,”
Amen and Amen.
