Christmas Eve

So a year ago I drove to the care center and sat with Chuck for a couple of hours.  Then Marsha and John came and then Sandy and then Melanie.  And then I returned with Audrey and sat there with him - with Melanie and Erin until he died.  I held his hand at the end and prayed that "all will be well" and "it is all good" and he passed away.  That phrase - "passed away" really does describe it.

 Its funny that as I wrote about last year my first thought was - why didn't I stay the whole day with Chuck.  It was my last day with him.  And the answer is that I did not know that.  I thought this was going to go on for a while.  I was tired and others encouraged me to take a break. And I will always be grateful to my friends who sat with him on that last day.


Last night we had our first Christmas Eve service - actually a Christmas Eve Eve.  I was so touched by the familiar readings - some of which I read for the 60 some people who gathered at the church.  The music was haunting and familiar and holy.  It was O Holy Night that almost did me in.  It has always been my favorite Christmas Eve song and every church I have been in has included it.

This time it was a violin and guitar duet and it was soulful and soaring. .  Unfortunately I was sitting in front of the church trying to control my emotions the whole time.  All I could think of was the Holy Night of Christmas Eve last year as I sat with Chuck.  It was overwhelming.


I am reading scripture for 2 out of the 3 services today.  I decided that after I read I will go sit in the congregation so that if the tears come again I can allow them.

Christ came into this world as a baby - and represents for me the vulnerability of love.  It was a Holy Night that happened because a young woman said YES to an angel and assented to allowing her body and her life to be changed and used by God.  And the baby came and showed us what love is. And represents "incarnation"  - God is with us even in the darkness.

On Christmas Eve I feel the blessing and the grief of love and believe that Jesus is here with me.