After Christmas Wonder

It is saturday morning and I got up at five.  Christmas is officially over for me - I had the kids here last night and my house has all the remains of the meal and the gifts and the games.

Today I have nothing on my calendar but writing a sermon called "Mary Pondered."  Basically what I want to write about is the "After Christmas pondering and wondering about what God has done.
And the looking ahead to what this year with Jesus is going to bring.

So here I am doing it myself.  Christmas was really perfect for me.  Christmas Eve day I felt sad and at the Christmas Eve Eve service I really dipped down into the grief of the Holy Night from last year.  It was the holy night of watching Chuck leave this earth.  Holy.

And then Christmas Eve I read the familiar words of the nativity twice more at the service and then just entered into the fun of the season.  I felt very loved and supported by my whole family.  Christmas Eve dinner with having Erik make such a special meal meant everything to me.;  And Christmas morning with the Powells was comfortable and just special.

Our movie on Christmas day was not the greatest - Uncut Gems with Adam Sandler.  It was a nerve jangling ride and I kept thinking at the time - this is not a Christmas day movie.  However, I find myself still thinking about it afterward.

Then last night was just so much fun with the kids all coming over.  I planned it for 4:30 but Alyse and Kacey wanted to come over early and play games and I invited the others and all the girls were here by 4 and we were playing games and eating lots of food.  We had our dinner and then got into the business of the gifts.  The girls give each other such funny presents (like Kacey giving Marnie and Erik matching aprons with the picture of a bikinied woman on hers and a body builder on his)
I am going to an Office parody with Kacey, a young frankenstein play with Marnie and something called "Who lost my fucking hat?" with Audrey.  The teeneagers all buy presents for each other and me and it is just plain heartwarming to watch their interest in each other and generosity.  We all played Christmas charades and it was especially fun watching Maggie. Afterward Kacey, Alyse, Audrey., Jackson, Ephrata stayed and played games with me until 11 pm.  They went home to go to Dayton tomorrow for another Christmas with their Aunt Pattie and the Connor side.
I am happily done.

I have been listening to Elizabeth Gilberts "City of Girls" for the last 4 days and just now finished it.  It was a nice backdrop to this week.  I think you read it - but it really was the story of an older woman who has come to peace about her life and her acceptance of the dark sides of self and others. I could identify with it and really enjoyed the story telling.

There have been such moments of joy this week and wonder at the gift of love in my life.  I may not have a man who is a partner anymore - but I have so many people who care about me.  It is all gift.

And when it is all said and done - as trite as it is - I come away pondering and wondering at the blessing of receiving and giving love.  That is what this week has been.

Looking ahead to 2020 and what is next for m

Christmas Eve

So a year ago I drove to the care center and sat with Chuck for a couple of hours.  Then Marsha and John came and then Sandy and then Melanie.  And then I returned with Audrey and sat there with him - with Melanie and Erin until he died.  I held his hand at the end and prayed that "all will be well" and "it is all good" and he passed away.  That phrase - "passed away" really does describe it.

 Its funny that as I wrote about last year my first thought was - why didn't I stay the whole day with Chuck.  It was my last day with him.  And the answer is that I did not know that.  I thought this was going to go on for a while.  I was tired and others encouraged me to take a break. And I will always be grateful to my friends who sat with him on that last day.


Last night we had our first Christmas Eve service - actually a Christmas Eve Eve.  I was so touched by the familiar readings - some of which I read for the 60 some people who gathered at the church.  The music was haunting and familiar and holy.  It was O Holy Night that almost did me in.  It has always been my favorite Christmas Eve song and every church I have been in has included it.

This time it was a violin and guitar duet and it was soulful and soaring. .  Unfortunately I was sitting in front of the church trying to control my emotions the whole time.  All I could think of was the Holy Night of Christmas Eve last year as I sat with Chuck.  It was overwhelming.


I am reading scripture for 2 out of the 3 services today.  I decided that after I read I will go sit in the congregation so that if the tears come again I can allow them.

Christ came into this world as a baby - and represents for me the vulnerability of love.  It was a Holy Night that happened because a young woman said YES to an angel and assented to allowing her body and her life to be changed and used by God.  And the baby came and showed us what love is. And represents "incarnation"  - God is with us even in the darkness.

On Christmas Eve I feel the blessing and the grief of love and believe that Jesus is here with me. 

The Gift of Music

For the last two days music has touched my soul.

Saturday I went - with Audrey, my granddaughter Alyse and her boyfriend Ephrata - to a Beatles marathon.  It is an annual 12 hour concert where these musicians play every song the Beatles wrote in order.  It starts and noon and ends at midnight.  We were there for about three hours - from 12:30 to 3:30.  And it was so much fun.

First, it took me back 50 years to when I was a teenager and loved the Beatles.  I still remember leaving Youth Fellowship with a gang of kids and going to our basement to watch the Beatles on Ed Sullivan.  It was truly the music of my youth.  As I listened Saturday I found I knew so many songs and the words just came.  The funny part was that Ephrata - whose parents are from Ethiopia - is a young Beatles lover and like me he knew many many songs.  We stood on the sidelines of a packed dance floor and moved to the music, sang along and were entertained by the various musicians who played.  It was fun, fun, fun.  I don't usually go to concerts and I experienced the music just letting me let go and laugh and sing.  It was great!!!!

Sunday we had a church cantata and I was absolutely affected by this music as well.  It was about, of course, the birth of Jesus and it expressed the truth that Jesus came for the broken and the lost.  One of the songs brought me to tears and then we had communion.  It was so powerful for me.

There is something about music - playing it, singing it, hearing it and moving to it that really touches our souls.  I look forward to the Christmas Eve services and the familiar carols and gift that the music will bring.

A Gray Advent

I think that is how it is for me this season - gray.  Not black, and certainly not technicolor. Just gray. 
Kind of like the sky was last week when I was with my brothers in North Carolina in the early morning.  There is a fog and there is a beauty to it.  I walk through it and cannot see in the distance, but step by step I am moving.

This has been a busy time for me and I guess that is good.  Today I will finish up the 2 grief groups at church and visit at least one person post surgery.  I am looking ahead to a book group at the church in the new year and preaching a couple of sermons.  It is very good to be there and to be in such a nurturing community.

Last Saturday I led a retreat of about 20 women  for Advent.  I called it "One Candle is Lit" and I realized the theme for the day was "waiting in the dark for the light."  That is a pretty good description of how Advent is for me this season.  When I was walking around camp I spent a good deal of time just gazing at the lake that was partially frozen and flowing in the middle where there was a fountain.  I had the sense that it reflected how I am these days - both flowing and frozen.  The work I do and the time with friends and family does feel life giving and like I am flowing with God's spirit.  However, there is a frozenness within me as I know that a year ago I was caring for Chuck and watching his condition gradually weaken.  And I look ahead to the one year anniversary of his death which is Christmas Eve and just wonder about it all.

I am preaching on the 29th about Mary "pondering all these things" and I think that deep inside my soul there is a lot of pondering going on.  So I wait in the dark for the light.  Or rather - I wait in the gray for the light.

And trust that life goes on, the light shines and I am somehow being guided.

I shared this poem at the Retreat.  It speaks to me this season.  It is by Ted Loder.

O God of all seasons and senses,

grant us the sense of your timing to submit gracefully and rejoice quietly in the turn of the seasons.

In this season of short days and long nights, of grey and white and cold, teach us the lessons of endings;

children growing, friends leaving, loved ones dying, grieving over, grudges over, blaming over, excuses over.

O God, grant us a sense of your timing.

In this season of short days and long nights, of grey and white and cold, teach us the lessons of beginnings;

that such waitings and endings may be the starting place,

a planting of seeds which bring to birth what is ready to be born—

something right and just and different, a new song, a deeper relationship, a fuller love—

in the fullness of your time.

O God, grant us the sense of your timing.

And now Advent

So this most important season of the year is here.
At least it has always been important to me.  When I started at Karl Road Christian Church my first Sunday was the first Sunday of Advent.  This was by design for me - it is the start of a new year in the church and it was a new beginning.

Last year at Advent we were in the midst of Chuck's seeming recovery from surgery.  Alyse and Jackson put my tree up the Friday after Thanksgiving and I spent a fair amount of time during Advent sitting on the couch and finding comfort in the lights and the memories represented by that tree.  I really saw it as a tree of hope and a promise that God was with me in the darkness.

Even though Chuck's recovery did not happen and on Christmas Eve he departed this earth, I continue to somehow find hope in the midst of the darkness.  There were more blessings than I can recount throughout that hard time and I felt supported by God's unseen presence in the midst of the suffering.

Now, we begin again at Advent.  I got to preach on Sunday about "walking in the light" and, as always I was preaching to myself.  I ended the sermon talking about the "slender threads" that are the glimpses of God's presence.  Here is a quote from my sermon:  (actually quoting a reading from the Geography of Grace class I have been in)


"It is an audacious notion to put forth in this age of science and willful determination that one’s existence is somehow inspired, guided and even managed by unseen forces outside our control.  (we would call it the hand of God ) slender threads are at work bringing coherence and continuity to our lives.  Over time they weave a remarkable tapestry."

 And now a new Advent is here for me and I am experiencing both aspects - darkness and the promise of a new beginning.  These days I sit companionably in my family room - me on one chair and Ginger on another.  I watch TV or read and she is just present occasionally asking to go outside.  The sense of the third person missing (Chuck) is fading and I feel like this new reality - Margot living alone and becoming whole is emerging.  As always I don't know yet what is coming and who I am becoming.  But I have greater peace within my spirit as I trust in God's presence and grace.

At the same time I know I am still in a period of adjustment.  I can't seem to land on an Advent "practice" beyond sitting and writing.  It is like I am just drifting between darkness and new beginnings and trusting the grace of God will guide me. 

I will end this with an Advent prayer by Henri Nouwen that speaks to me this season.

Lord Jesus,Master of both the light and the darkness, 

send your Holy Spirit upon our preparations for Christmas.

We who have so much to do seek quiet spaces to hear your voice each day.


We who are anxious over many things look forward to your coming among us.


We who are blessed in so many ways long for the complete joy of your kingdom.


We whose hearts are heavy seek the joy of your presence.


We are your people, walking in darkness, yet seeking the light.

To you we say,

 ‘Come Lord Jesus!’ 

Amen.