Preparing to go on Silent Retreat

It is Saturday morning and I can hear the clothes dryer going with some clothing that I need to pack for a week away.  Tomorrow evening is the beginning of a seven day silent retreat at Our Lady of the Pines.  I am going to be silent and for an hour a day companioned by a spiritual director.

It took some time to decide whether or not I wanted to go to this.  Last year I went as a "Director in Training" and it was a powerful week of sitting with two directees, writing and reflecting on the experience and having supervision the whole time.  That week I received a call from my doctor saying that Chuck's mailed in fecal sample tested positive.  And that was the beginning of the journey that led to his colonscopy, surgery, gradual weakness and then death. 

Now I live in a very different place.  I still carry deep sorrow and grief but am remaking my life as a widow, a single woman, living alone.  It is about 8 months since his passing and it does feel like a good time for extended time with God and reflection with another.

My preparation for this time away is not only packing.  It is also my trip to Toledo today to release Chuck's final ashes into the Maumee River.  It was clear when he died that he would not want to be "in the ground" and this seemed a fitting last place.  When I met him he was a devoted fisherman.  I remember being amazed that he had - at the time - 40 - (Forty!) tackle boxes!  When we lived in Bowling Green he went through about 7 boats - buying and selling them and also fishing in the Maumee and Lake Erie.    So there is definitely a sense of appropriateness to this occasion today - both for him and for me in saying goodbye.

Tomorrow I will meet with Rachel and Brad to do some more premarital counseling for their wedding in January.  Which is so nice for me - a sign of new life for them and my continued part in the Truex family even though Chuck is gone.

So, it is a lot to hold in my heart today.  I trust that the retreat will be what my soul needs.  Silence to be with God's healing and holding presence.

May it be so.