There is much less Chuck and much more Margot. And there is - in the living, dining and bed room much less period. I have less furniture in every room and less stuff on the furniture. It feels peaceful and with much more order than in the past. However, there is still a part of me that misses the shoes I tripped over of Chuck's and the glasses that were on every surface. And I will miss Audrey's back pack on the floor and her mail and snack wrappers strewn about. It is going to be different. It already feels different because now I really am - for the first time in my life - living alone.
And the blessing of my life is that friends remain. I have three entries yet to write in my other blog "Breakfast with Margot" which recount meals and conversations with special women in my life. Today I went to Gena's Restaurant with Trixie and it was good to literally have someplace to go. I know I am absorbing the loss of Audrey's presence in my home and friends help.
As I drove to breakfast realizing my sadness, I got a phone call from Debbie who was with another friend, Barbara. She shared a Psalm I wrote with Barbara and told me they were both thinking of me. What a gift it is to have people in my life that touch base with me and to whom I do not have to explain that this grief - almost 6 months after the loss of Chuck - continues. It is like waves that come and go and while it is much less dramatic than months ago - the sorrow is always with me.. Even though I do so many activities that I love - like movies, meals, family time.
So, life is hard and life is beautiful and I remain blessed to be able to experience all of it and to have friends who companion me along the way.
Here is the Psalm I wrote - about 10 years ago.
Margot’s
Psalm
My enemies are always present and speaking
With seeming authority
And perfectionistic advice
And anxious certainty
They speak words of NO
Don’t….wait…..not yet
You can’t… You shouldn’t….your
time is over
There is nothing new to
see. To find. To be
You need to be Practical
My enemies warn me about losing control
Be careful! You could
fail
Or look like a fool
Watch out! You could
start a fire
Or release a flood
My enemies come with stings attached
Strings like propriety, normalcy, reasonableness, sensibility,
self protection
They bind my body and start to suffocate my soul
And they tell me, This is
for your own good.
This will protect you.
This will keep you sage.
And I think I am safe and also becoming dry….and bored….and isolated….and
lifeless.
And then I hear your voice
I hear you in early morning hours as you speak your words of
love
You come in the noonday sun and show me visions of grandeur
You appear in the night and plant your dreams of possibility
You speak softly and persistently your words of YES
I love you and I have
always loved you
You are my beloved
I am awakening your soul
I am igniting your spirit
within you
I am filling your life
with my light
You can trust me with
your life.
You speak and the strings start to fall away
I breathe in the peace you have for me
I move with freedom and dance with joy
I sing the songs you want me to sing
I see the mountains you want us to move
I listen for your voice today
You speak and the voice of the enemy is silenced
You speak and the world is new and life is a gift
You speak and I am free
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